Category Archives: recovery

Nindō, a Naruto blog post.

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Credit: wikipedia

Warning: Naruto spoilers.

Nindō/Naruto

Nindō is a philosophy from the Japanese tv show Naruto, an epic fantasy about ninjas with powers. The main character is Naruto, a teenage boy who has an evil demon fox sealed inside him. He starts the series as an outcast. He starts the show as a failure, not being good at anything or having anyone as a support. His parents died before the show began due to the demon fox inside him.

Nindō (忍道, literally meaning: Ninja Way) is a personal rule that each shinobi lives by. It is their way of ninja life, their motto, belief, or “dream”. A ninja’s nindō can be anything, no matter how immoral their personal point of view is. Most often Naruto Uzumaki proclaims his ninja way, to be: “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!”

Naruto

Like the show, I’ve changed quite a bit since I was introduced to it back in 2002/2003. I was in my sophomore year in highschool, and I watched it week to week as it was aired in Japan. My friends and I would watch it not long after it aired live in Japan thanks to the awesome power of the internet. Anonymous fans would translate it, add subtitles in english, them upload it online for free. All anyone had to do to get it was to know where to get it. Which wasn’t that difficult, most message boards, or a simple google search would tell you how and where to find it. Thanks to the internet, and pirates, you could watch anything ever made from anywhere in the world… Legality be damned. Which I didn’t care as a first generation internet user. I’m old enough to remember being introduced to AOL by my aunt only a couple years earlier. It didn’t take long for me, my brother, or my friends to master using the internet.

Anyway… I was talking about Naruto, and nindō, and how it relates to now. Since Naruto started, it’s been one of my worlds. It’s Epic fantasy, and of the shonen genre, so these types of fiction last a long time. Naruto took 15 years for the original comic, and about the same amount of time for the tv show to finish. A new chapter would be made each week, with some random breaks for the author, Masahi Kishimoto, every so often. Last year in 2020, I finally got around to finishing watching the anime (animated tv show) from the beginning part two. Watching it through now as an adult, and rewatching some episodes, hit differently. It made me remember good times in the past talking about the show with friends from high school, and later in college with them.

Naruto at it’s core is the heroes journey.

Naruto starts as a child, with nothing, not good at anything, and completely alone. He is shunned because of the demon fox inside him, that he is born with. Watching again now, during the pandemic, as I struggle in my own life, is necessary medicine. It sure would be nice to have my mental health problems be hidden strengths or demons I could master instead of weaknesses. But, this is reality instead of fiction.

Nindō part 2: (minor spoilers)

Naruto succeeds because he doesn’t give up. He makes his worst skill a strength. He wins over people and eventually his inner demon due to his super human persistence. He is successful because he wins over the support of others 1 at a time. We learn in the first episode that the first person he wins over, Iruka sensei, had his parents murdered by the same demon fox inside Naruto. Iruka forgives Naruto despite this because he went through the same struggles as Naruto. Through empathy, and forgiveness, and Iruka sacrificing himself to protect Naruto does Naruto begin to believe in himself and stand up for himself. He is successful because he has dreams (Massive goals). He is successful because he has supporters in his life that he wins over. Naruto is constantly telling everyone about his goal to become Hokage. To be recognized by everyone in his ninja village. He is successful because he has a way of life. A Nindō.

Once again, a Nindō is:

Nindō (忍道, literally meaning: Ninja Way) is a personal rule that each shinobi lives by. It is their way of ninja life, their motto, belief, or “dream”. A ninja’s nindō can be anything, no matter how immoral their personal point of view is. Most often Naruto Uzumaki proclaims his ninja way, to be: “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!”

So, what’s my way of life? What are my goals?

My way of life? For a long time, it’s been survival. I’ve been in the mental health treatment struggle since 2008. I struggled with establishing a career, or being employed at one place for a long time. I sacrificed a social life due to the work cultures around the restaurant (and to a lesser degree) trucking industries, finding time for therapy, and avoiding interaction with new people because I didn’t feel healthy. Nothing’s been stable.

My previous long term job as a cannabis processor at Willie’s Reserve (which closed their only state branch last January) gave me a taste of stability and socializing I’ve missed for years. The kind you can only fulfill with coworkers and friends. This past year has shown me that I need to take the initiative with friendship. It isn’t the same interacting over social media.

I have to figure this out, and put in the effort because nobody else will. Or as Mel Robbins said: “Nobody will stop you.”

What are my goals?

To start, I need to continue to recognize and celebrate the progress I make. I’m not at rock bottom anymore. I’m in the process of changing, though it’s slow.

I’m not sure what I want to do for a career, or if I really want one. For now, I’ll find something to pay the bills.

My primary goal is to move out of Seattle, and out of the house I’ve always lived. So I need a place that will be affordable, hopefully not a long commute, and accepts cats. I’d rather not live with roommates if possible.

I’m still new at this new chapter of life. So continue on practicing values. My future feels hazy, yet I feel it’s becoming less so.

I’ve felt unsure about posting this for a while since it didn’t feel like the right time. I technically “finished” watching Naruto last year, and started this in January. I need to figure out new goals for blogging. A different creative approach that fits my life now compared to last year. I look forward to the pandemic being over!

Thanks for reading!

Recovery during the Pandemic

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A person holding a lantern in a smokey corn field.

Rock bottom

Trigger warnings

My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict. I’m a love addict. I’m a recovering codependent. I’m a recovering hermit. I’m in therapy getting help. I guess it’s helping. The past year, I’ve greatly cut my marijuana consumption.

A year ago I hit rock bottom.

I felt out of control and needed help. It didn’t help that night that I smoked two infused joints, and two dabs (a dab to a bowl of weed is like a shot of hard alcohol to a glass of wine/beer) when I got home from work. The previous week was an emotional roller coaster. I had friends over for board game night… The first time in about 10 years that I invited new friends over to visit. It was a great night. A couple days later I started a new job. After one day, I was convinced it was the best place I’d ever worked. I was really excited about it.

That wasn’t enough to prevent a nervous breakdown and near suicidal attempt. I somehow held on, and asked my mom to take me to the hospital for help.

It was the worst day of my life. My biggest goal in life was gone, and was never going to happen. I I was too late in asking her out, and acted like an asshole. Rejected nicely, and I decided to breakup.

It was an ugly end to a long relationship. I couldn’t go on living like that. It was too painful to continue on. Sometimes you fuck up and there’s nothing to do but move on. This is the last time I’m going to blog about this situation.

I thought I was over this before my first girlfriend, but I guess that breakup opened this scar again. I don’t like being stuck on this. Sigh. Grief has its own schedule.

A year later

I can’t help but think about how I’ve changed since a year ago. If it wasn’t for that regretful situation, I wouldn’t have given therapy another chance. I am grateful that I did, and that I’ve finally got the right help for me.

Yesterday in therapy, my therapist said two things that really stuck out regarding this.

One: Have you learned all the lessons from this event? (I have. I won’t ghost again, and I’ve worked at increasing my relationship knowledge and communication skills this past year. I learned how to break up with someone in an adult way. I learned I needed help and got it myself. Plus much more.)

Two: She was worried that I would still be unable to move on and be in the same headspace 5 years from now. This also applied to me not wanting to change or grow. Which came down to: I don’t know why I act this way, and I don’t have a reason to get up every day. I don’t feel that I have purpose or meaning to my life.

So, my therapist suggested that we update my values. Values give you a way to make decisions on how you want to live life.

Updated Values that I want to have:

  • Vulnerability
  • Honesty
  • Humility
  • Accountable
  • Communication
  • Respect
  • Vision
  • Independence
  • Healthy
  • Boundaries
  • Sense of Meaning
  • Connection
  • Personal Growth 
  • Creativity
  • Kindness
  • Physical & mental health
  • Live in the present, not past or future.

Values based on how I live currently:

  • Selfish
  • lazy
  • entitled
  • hipocrate
  • Don’t care about physical health
  • self centered
  • Poor discipline

Not a good list. However, to change, you have to accept who you are right now.

I don’t know what the future will bring. All I know for now is that I don’t want to be this version of myself anymore. I’m the only person who can change myself. I’m stuck because I’m not doing the necessary things that I can do. I’m the one who has committed to therapy. I’m not happy with my life and that’s on me. Enough is enough.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2021. All rights reserved.

Unplugged

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Lights out, Disconnected:

Around midnight, in the storm, blackout.

Blown away in the wind.

Only without electricity do I realize how I’m addicted to power.

Can’t cook, can’t read, can’t check the news, can’t escape via a screen, can’t connect with others.

I’m not completely sober from it today. My phone has power: 67%, I’m powerless to it.

My life is completely online. I live through screens.

An hour in, I feel withdrawal from not having my fixes– the internet, watch a video, read an article, check Facebook, read blog posts, write a blog post.

I’ll have to miss therapy today because it’s online or phone. No connection for either. It took 2 hours to send 1 text message, and 1 email.

An hour in, I consider taking my sleep meds and going back to sleep.

Holy crap is this really how I want my life to be?

Addicted to screens, sitting in a corner like a zombie as life passes by outside?

Internet addict:

I am the problem. My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict.

Only by being unplugged does this stick.

I’m so desperate for a powered on screen that I look to the digital thermometer for stimulus. I look to the clocks for a fix. No good.

This prison is of my own making. I choose every day to be it’s victim. The internet addiction demon is in control.

My worst nightmare has come true… I’m an addict just like dad. Like my late addict Aunt. The internet is my demon.

One big difference is that you’ve been committed to therapy. That’s a big deal, Rei.

Working on changing counts.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Stop being brutal to yourself. You can be honest and kind to yourself.

Time for change.

My inner connection is blinking orange.

I need a reset. I need to unplug, be offline for 30 days, and replug.

It’s been 5 hours… How much longer do I have to cope without my power fix?

Like all the powered devices around the house, I’m off.

Won’t somebody plug me back in? I can’t do it myself.

The power returns as the sun sets and darkness falls… Back into my hole I willfully go. I need some help.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being depressed…

Power on, brain off.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

2020’s Last Impression.

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2020:

January: The beginning of the end

I hit my goal of working for at least a year at one workplace. Despite all the friends I made there, it was time for a change. At the end of the month, the company closed and everyone was laid off. I’m glad I worked there, and grateful for all the friends made there.

About 5# of cannabis sugar leaf to be ground into a fine ground product for joints.
What it looks like to receive weed at a legal weed company.
The last one was a joke meme I posted at work. Everyone got sick at work in January. Thankfully it wasn’t covid…

February: Where one door Slams shut, others open.

Old friendships end in an awful way. I never did end up apologizing to that person. I wish I said “I’m Sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I won’t enter your house again, or bother you again.” It’s best we went our own ways. “Sometimes it’s best to leave a relationship broken, than picking up the pieces and hurt yourself. I had to face reality and move on.”

I wasn’t alone anymore because the truth set me free. There was no way for me to continue on like none of this happened. That end marked new chapters with new friends.

March: the Pandemic Saga begins

I was pretty useless in March this past year. I was heartbroken from the rejection-breakup. I had to reevaluate my entire life and life choices because of that loss. I was grieving the death of my 18 year old kitty from December 2019, I was grieving being laid off from a job I liked. It was extremely stressful at home as Mom and I adjusted to being around each other all day at home. I had a nervous breakdown on day two of a new job at the end of February and had to quit that job. I felt suicidal… This time I asked for help from Mom and I went to the hospital. Because of this difficult experience, the psychiatrist there pointed me to the right help. At home, I lived on the couch in comfortable pajamas, wrapped in a blanket. I split my time on the phone, or watching relationship and psychology videos on YouTube. I started seeing my current therapist in March, and started doing groups over zoom too. As of the date of this post, 12/31/20, I haven’t met my therapist in person yet. It’s been a weird year for therapy. Oh and I started this blog on 03/27/20!

April: Bargaining & Depression

Looking back in my journal, I was torturing myself with excessive blame and trying to right my sense of sanity. Worse yet I had to deal with all this grief in a pandemic world away from family and friends. Weekday zoom therapy groups became my social life.

May… More of the same

It was still early into my recovery phase. But this month produced two of my personal favorite blog posts this year:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/05/01/blue-sparkly-shoes/

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/05/29/not-a-eulogy-a-letter-of-hope/

June: Comfort eating

Brownies, roses, poetry, and Anthony bourdain oh my!

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/06/07/brownies-for-a-friend/

July: The long summer part 1,2, and 3

August: The long summer parts 4,5, and 6.

September never ends: The long summer parts 7-10.

Gumpa passed away at age 92 in September.

October: part 1 of the 2020 election.

November: The election parts 2 & 3.

December: It doesn’t feel like the end.

Happy new year!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Every blog post in 2020! Happy New year!

Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays!

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Covid Christmas

It’s Christmas, but it doesn’t feel like it. I just couldn’t get into the spirit this year.

Life is going well, but I’m exhausted from 2020.

I’m fortunate that I had savings to get presents this year, despite being unemployed.

It’s a slim year for presents.

Even though I got everything my family asked for, today feels like an ordinary Friday.

I’m fortunate to visit with my family today.

I feel like I haven’t given my best for this Christmas.

I’ve already gotten everything I wished for this year. Friends, reconnected with family, therapy I’ve needed for years, being able to love a kitty again, being able to love again, to move forward in life, and a girlfriend!

I’m at the point in this long distance relationship where I’m wondering if my girlfriend is a catfish. We haven’t met in person yet because of coronavirus. The good news is that we have plans to meet.

Trust but verify.

I’m staying hopeful, but careful.

Damnit don’t be a catfish. No catfish will fool me. Never give a creative person inspiration. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d be this mature about this potential difficult situation a year ago.

Trust but verify. Take no shit, do no harm. Trust yourself, trust patterns. I’m prepared for any result.

Guess I’ll know when her present to me is delivered.

Take no shit, do no harm.

Also known as: “2020 in a nutshell.”

Shopping this year felt like I was the covid Grinch. Behind my masked face was a scowl at every person not masked, or not distanced. Each time out my heart shrunk in size.

;

I felt like George Bailey in my own wonderful life. I had to be my own angel on the bridge this year. I chose to continue on, and try one more time to get help. My breakdown and suicide attempt led to rebirth. I chose to say: Fuck you depression, no more!

What a wonderful world…

I’m so grateful for my sweet kitty.

This is the best I can do today. Happy holidays to all. Be safe!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!


Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

December Goal: Post 31 days in a row!

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From Mt Rainier wonderland trail.

It’s time to set more goals. The first I set in a long time was to go on 1 date by the end of the year in this post: https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/11/14/goal-go-on-1-date-before-2021/ .

This year, I have focused on self improvement. It’s been my major goal for a long time to be mentally healthy, and I finally was able to break through this year thanks to having a therapist. Thanks to having professional support and guidance. Thanks to the right mix of medications. I’m not perfect, and I have things to work on, and that is okay! Finally my hard work and persistence is paying turning into massive positive change. Finally I’m turning into the person I’ve always dreamed I could be.

Though 2020 has been really hard, I’m healing. I am recovering from my mental illnesses. Those that I can’t escape are managed. Lately I don’t even recognize this person that I’ve become. For a long time, I never thought that I would be enough as I am. That I would like to be around people. I didn’t think that I would like to talk to new people. That I would have so many cool people in my life I can call friends. I’m not alone, and I am comfortable being single, by myself. It would be awesome to have a girlfriend to share my life with. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am an awesome person by myself. I can be my own friend and help myself. I am a recovering depressed person. I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I am a recovering hermit. I am a recovering Nice guy. I am enough. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything and everyone else. I am responsible for myself and my life. I was watching Avengers: Endgame for the second time, and this quote really resonated:

“I Used To Have Nothing. And Then I Got This – This Job, This Family – And I Was Better Because Of It. Even Though They’re Gone, I’m Still Trying To Be Better.” -Black Widow, Avengers Endgame.

Source

Though this quote is about loss, I feel it really describes what the world currently feels like. Only interacting with friends, family, and people online isn’t the same. We are connected, but not. I really miss pre pandemic life. I took it for granted. Even before this, I was touch starved. Thankfully I’ve had kitties fill this void.

Thank goodness for my dear kitten Coconut.

It’s not like I wasn’t like I wasn’t hugged or had caring touch from family. I simply crave affection. The need for touch, intimacy, tenderness, and affection is a human need. Missing out on romance sucks too. It’s tough for me to admit this.

More on touch starvation:

“The COVID-19 pandemic has meant increased isolation for a lot of people. Even with lockdowns no longer as stringent as they were in March, many people are still working from home, minimizing their social outings, and avoiding intimate contact with people they don’t live with. The truth is, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing outside of your pod will probably feel risky until there’s a coronavirus vaccine. And for people who are super strict about avoiding that risk, that lack of contact can have a serious psychological impact, causing something called touch starvation.

Psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that contact with peoples’s bodies, whether it’s the hug of a friend or interactions with hairdressers, massage therapists, ornail techs, can be a key part of our self-care — and when we’re deprived of it, we experience higher levels of stress. “This has had devastating impacts on the mental health of most of the population,” she says, pointing to the fact that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) have found higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts across the U.S. since the pandemic began. “Even one long genuine platonic hug from someone we trust may be enough to help our mental and physical health.”

Source

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/touch-starvation-symptoms-ways-to-cope-experts

That said, I am working on my need for romantic connection as demonstrated by working on myself, and joining the limited online dating scene.

Current Goals:

  • Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
  • Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
  • Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
  • Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
  • Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
  • Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
  • Goal: find a long term career.
  • Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
  • Goal: hang out with friends.
  • Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.

Songs of the post:

Make yourself by Incubus.
Like a Rolling Stone, Live at Winterland, covered by Jimi Hendrix

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

The 12 year Therapy Odyssey

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The 12 year therapy odyssey:

I’ve struggled since 2008 to find the right therapist, medications, and treatment combination.  As soon as I recognized there was something wrong with me, in this case a mental health problem, I asked for help. Despite all my efforts, my Mother’s efforts, and doing the right thing by giving a combination of 10 different psychiatrists/therapists time and faith in the system, nothing worked. If I did make any progress, it was so small and subtle that I couldn’t tell if it was from therapy. This is incredibly frustrating compared to my experience with other medical treatments, such as physical therapy, which helped me after a car accident and a job injury. Both injuries weren’t that bad. When I went in, I knew a realistic schedule for treatment, could see and feel progress, and would have answers for problems. This wasn’t the case with therapy.

My first therapist nearly kills me by prescribing a medication that gives me three heart attacks at 23. To be fair, this is a risk for any amphetamine ADD medication. The disconnect was that he didn’t bother to visit me in the hospital, or seem to care when my Mother called and said what happened to me. The few visits we had weren’t helping, so I ended treatment immediately. I’m lucky that I was young and didn’t have any serious damage to my heart. It took me another year or so to try therapy again. 

In the 12 years when I started in 2008, only one therapist was somewhat effective for treating me. In 2009, I had PTSD as a result of a robbery-home invasion. I did exposure therapy with that therapist, which kinda worked. At home, I sped up treatment by binging true crime shows such as FBI files, Forensic Files, and various crime documentaries. Oh, and watching the news. I knew I had recovered after I stopped watching all of those. I feel that using the true crime shows as a treatment helped far more than therapy sessions. This wasn’t a suggestion by the therapist at the time. Fortunately I had Dr google to help. (You know searching stuff in a search engine to treat yourself because the actual world isn’t helping.)

In my experience with prescription medication, you might get told the top common side effects, then given paperwork with small text including a hundred other possible scenarios. At that point, you don’t care because you (have) to assume the medicine will help you with your problem. Despite all the testing and research each person’s body is different. If everything goes well and the side effects of medicine are helpful, great! If not, it takes months to years to try and get off of medications. It’s still possible to try dozens of medicines for multiple medical issues and not find the 1 right prescription for you. This is for one health problem. If you have multiple conditions, this becomes more complex as you and your provider have to balance the benefits and side effects.

The car windows are dirty. My finger is on the camera lens. The sun is causing a reflection in the windshield. The road is windy and its in a canyon. But I’m moving forward on the road. This is a photo I took on a road trip through Yakima Canyon heading back home. An apt metaphor for my journey with therapy.

Past experiences with health insurance and therapy:

In October 2019, I tried again to get help to find a therapist under my work’s Kaiser plan. Nothing was covered including medication (Which Kaiser lied about in the plan we got. Says 80% of medicine costs, but if you do a price comparison online, every medicine I got except one was the same price as prescriptions under zero coverage.) You also have had to find a therapist from a third party website (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us) by searching through profiles one by one like browsing the grocery aisle. After a while, all the therapists feel the same. I don’t get why finding a doctor or dentist is as easy as finding somewhere to eat, but finding a therapist is like online dating? 

You couldn’t search for therapists on Kaiser’s website. (According to the last time I had Kaiser, February 2020) You could only get a referral from a psych coordinator at one of their facilities. 

Source

When they did have therapists, there were only a handful of them all booked for months, not accepting new patients. That’s bullshit. This is way too hard for someone suffering from health problems. So, I got medications I could afford on the minimum wage. Except my anti depressant which was $220 for a month of medicine.  I couldn’t afford paying $150-200+ a month for therapy on a minimum wage job in Seattle. A major reason I chose this job, and accepting the $1600 a month wage was because Health Insurance was offered. I admit that I didn’t have much negotiating power before I got this job. My employment history isn’t that great. In large part because I’ve been in industries unsuitable for me, and my combined mental health over my adult life has been poor. Honestly, that Kaiser plan I had wasn’t much better from the health plan I had when I had a high demand, high paying job, as a local CDL truck driver a few years ago delivering soda. But that work drove me crazy. Maybe some are suited for that, but it’s another lifestyle career. Where you live to work as your life. That isn’t me. I work to live. I also wasn’t available much during business hours between working in the restaurant industry, which meant I was either sleeping during the day or working at night. Sigh.

Shopping around for plans isn’t an option when you are broke and don’t make much. All the plans are awful, and leave you saddled with debt. I actually have better insurance now, unemployed, with Washington AppleCare than any bullshit private plan over my entire life. My biggest obstacle after the quarantine is over is having to give this up again for a lesser plan. I know I’m lucky to have that, but this time period will be the only vacation I’ll likely have in years. Maybe in a few years after I figure out long term career goals I won’t be making minimum wage anymore, and might have better health insurance plan options. That feels like an eternity right now.

The good news is that I am making progress in therapy. I have to remember to give myself credit, and not be so hard on myself. You made mistakes. Life hasn’t gone as I’d liked, but that’s how it was. It doesn’t have to continue sucking.

I don’t want to do anymore blue collar work because I’ve done that a few times already. College is extremely expensive, and it’s not smart to go without a concrete plan. I need to know the degree and career path I want to achieve. I have some ideas of things I don’t want to do. Either way I have to pay the bills. I’m not going to make the mistake of choosing a path too fast, or because of fear again. It doesn’t help that I don’t like working. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate dating now that I know it’s work too. Guess that’s just the way it is. Well, you have no idea bro. Don’t make assumptions before you’ve really got into it.

Post thoughts…

Thank you for reading my blog! I had a lot of trouble writing this post. I wrote a draft of something on Tuesday, but realized it wasn’t publishable. I lost Wednesday to a migraine, and Thursday recuperating from it. So, I salvaged this from scraps from other posts. (I keep a separate file when writing to put content that doesn’t fit with the current post. This is the first time I’ve found something useful from it!) I guess my writing style is to be completely consumed by one thing at a time. This is progress. It’s one step closer to finding my niche, my purpose in life.

All nature photos from the car taken by me.

Song of the week:

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© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Have a good week!

Reilly.