Category Archives: Rumination

Unique Opportunity: Epilogue

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It’s been a long time since I feel I did something trophy worthy.

I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I’m starting to feel fantastic positive feelings as a result of writing that essay. I achieved a goal I wanted. This victory shows that I am capable of so much more. This shows that all the inner work I’ve done has paid off.

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/08/02/a-unique-opportunity-part-2/

Part 1:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2022/05/12/a-unique-opportunity/

This blog post is part 3 of a series of posts about this experience

I have an article in a newspaper! I told my story and hopefully will help change the world for the better. Holy shit. That’s a big deal!

This is evidence of how great a writer I could be. I had a lot of help from the Seattle Times journalist. This situation shows me that I can grow as a writer. I stood up and spoke out about problems in the mental health system. I’ll be helping someone else struggling. It feels good to help others by speaking up.

What a big deal! …

Someone told me "whenever your life is feeling stagnant or as if nothing is happening, that means you're being given the time & space to heal & release the baggage that you cannot carry to where you're meant to go soon..." I haven't looked at shit the same since.

Follow up details

I need to add details to the last post and the article. I didn’t mean to overlook these details. Ever have that feeling after a conversation where you remember something after the fact? That’s been me since Monday.

I did have successes in therapy. I feel I discounted how much of an impact therapy has had when it does work. I was able to work through so much with my therapist and everyone at Sound.

They had great groups and any support you needed. I can’t say enough how grateful I am to Sound Mental Health in this therapy journey. Life from April 2020 to June 2021 was good. That’s because I was in therapy. That’s because the zoom groups were so great. Those kept me going despite the lockdown social distance phase of the pandemic. I attempted to return for treatment there; however, they only take Medicaid. Disappointing that I couldn’t continue… But I get it. Those on Medicaid who need therapy need great providers the most. Just as I did during my time there.

Groups were helpful and supportive at Valley Cities while I was there. I really enjoyed the activities and the people. The employee turnover and changing therapists was too much for me. I wish I could have found that therapist match there. Oh well. I got some helpful skills out of this disappointment.

Back in 2009, I had a favorable year-long therapy treatment that helped. We worked through PTSD I was experiencing then. A year later, I recovered from PTSD through exposure therapy. It’s what I needed at the time.

Ah… I should have accepted the suggestion by the reporter to say something positive about therapy. I hope I didn’t mislead anyone about my experience. Therapy can help. It is maddening to get that help you need.

My problem has been how hard it was to get started, get comfortable, and progress in therapy. It’s been a long roller coaster ride I didn’t want. I was frustrated because now I know how it feels to be healed. What it feels like to have your work pay off. I have become better. I’ve become a better man. I never thought life could feel so fulfilling. I forgot how success feels to achieve something difficult with persistence and hard work. Therapy became my higher power. The dream is to heal all the trauma, fix the suffering as a side effect of mental illness, and break the line of generational trauma.

Faith is an act of trust in the unknown. Alan Watts
I’m not big on faith or spirituality, so posting thus is significant.

I’m choosing to take this as proof that I have grown as a person. I’m enough of an adult to take care of myself by finding a therapist. I know that I can follow through and win. I know there is more to dream about. I know that I want more from life.

I wouldn’t be here without therapy, psychology, the internet, and not giving up despite the heartbreak. All the therapists and social workers all the way. I didn’t give up at my lowest. I somehow held on. I wouldn’t be here without all the excellent support from my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side of the family. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cousins. I wouldn’t be here without blogging. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my cats. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have my mom or brother. I wouldn’t be here with my friends. I am here because I had so much support along the way. The pandemic has shown how many good people I have in my life.

This is a victory for my values. A concept I learned with my previous therapist. This is a life-changing victory on all levels for me. I am more capable than I ever thought possible. I stood up for better mental health. I stood up for better healthcare. I stood up for civil rights. I stood up for personal accountability. I did it because it felt like the right thing to do.

I’m back in the arena, ready for the next mountain to climb.

I’ve become a published writer in a big publisher!

I’m the first family member to be published in the Northwest section of the Seattle Times! My mother, the poet, hasn’t done this. She’s been writing for 40-plus years. My cousins won state championships in high school basketball but they never did this. Nobody on either side of my family has achieved this.

I have made it, and the 15 minutes of fame are over. It was nice while it lasted. I’m grateful to have wrote that. I’m grateful for the experience.

Source

I’m back to square zero. I gotta figure out the next goal. What do I desire?

I’m taking a blogging break.

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I just made the same mistake twice and over-shared on a blog post. I took that post down now. I had a bad feeling and reread that post. I was disgusted. That post could have caused problems. I’m was best to trash it. Something just didn’t feel right. Maybe I’m overthinking again.

I’m sorry about that.

I need a break from blogging. A mental health break from blogging. I need to clear my head. Been a lot going on with my family. I’m scraping by mentally. Feeling emotionally exhausted.

I have some therapy assignments as a new weekly goal. Going to the park twice a week, going to meetup.com, and more. I’m doing this for my own sake. I chose to commit again to therapy. I’m in therapy to heal, learn, and change. I need to remind myself that this is what I want.

Less time away from my phone will help too.

I need experiences to write about.

Gotta get my groove back.

On second thought, I shouldn’t have blogged that.

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That wasn’t right.

I made a private family matter, public. I’ve felt bad about blogging by oversharing.

I forgot to consider how that would feel to read by someone involved. That isn’t right, and I would be upset.

I made a mistake, and need to apologize.

I’m sorry.

That should have been private. I won’t do that again.

Life sure is tough right now, huh? 🙂

I wish there was something I could do to help.

This situation is triggering…

It’s got me thinking about the past. How I could’ve handled situations better.

Remembering past breakups, thinking about if I could have said things better. Been a better man who could communicate. How could I been better as a man. Thinking how I could have been mature.

Work is amazing. It’s consistent, everyone is great to work with, I like my job though it’s repetitive. I feel like I belong. I’m becoming comfortable being social. I’m grateful to have this.

Social life

Work being a rock allows me to cope with my lack of social life… It’s time. I’ll be looking for an in person group on meetup.com Time to go out and safely socialize.

Well, this isn’t true. I did go out to see comedian Ron Funches live at the Neptune theater in Seattle last Saturday. That is the first time I’ve ever gone out to see a standup comedian at a theater…. Never thought of doing that before, and the show was hilarious. It was Ron Funches and 3 comedians I forgot the names to (sorry!😬)… The opening comics were funny too, it was interesting to see the contrast of comedic styles between them.

So, keep moving forward… You are progressing in life. There is hope and good things in your life. You’re doing great handling everything. Its been a long week.

Self-Evaluation: Catharsis

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Man sitting on a rock near the shore of an ocean, staring at the sunset.

This is the conclusion to this post from May 24th.

Catharsis: discharge of pent-up emotions to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition. Source.

Song of the post: “Nessun Dorma from Turnadot, sung by Luciano Pavarotti.

After delays, several days of anxiety… A result. (A week later, feeling normal.)

To begin, I am so over (in an intellectual sense) being sick. Feeling sick for no reason or exhausted.

Just as I think that long covid is gone, the flame is reignited. Damn, these nagging symptoms…

So. Gotta let it go. I need to accept that I am not feeling well and give in to this mysterious, chronic illness. Fighting against my body makes it worse. I can’t change this. It is what it is. 😷

I can acknowledge my emotions in my body and use therapy skills.

Worrying? That would be torture. At times, I talk to my anxious thoughts to gain clarity. Is this feeling something that I can act on? Is it a need that requires attention? Or is it unhelpful fear? What to do next? Decide how to proceed.

I use the following quote to ground myself when I recognize myself worrying. Or, also known as anxiety.

“Why. Worry? Worrying is praying for the thing you fear to happen. So stop worrying.”

Natalie Stavola, dating coach, youtube

I’m paraphrasing this quote and need to fact-check it. There’s also a concept in Zen Buddhism that supports this concept. To notice when you are hijacked by a feeling, acknowledge it’s happening, then choose how to proceed forward.

In the therapy world, it’s called The STOP skill.

Flashing stop sign
  • 1) STOP Everything.
  • 2) Take a moment. I like to close my eyes and breathe slowly.
  • 3) Observe within, as you would in meditation, what you are thinking and feeling in your body in the present.
  • 4) Proceed forward. Translation: this is when you decide what to do. Sometimes it’s just to remember that you always have a choice in your actions in life. Other times, it’s to redirect your thinking from unhelpful thinking, such as an anxiety blitz.

Results

Overall grade B+.

Need to work on communication, especially in text. I need a soft start because I’m direct. So direct that it comes across as cold and/or insensitive. Which backfires because the tone detracts from the message. This trait is common to be on the autism spectrum. My late grandma always said that I was so “literal.”

Okay, it’s autism, and I spent most of my life online on message boards, gaming, and my family dynamic.

I need to improve my leadership and inspiration. The trimmers want more leadership and inspiration from me. Part of this was due to how my direct supervisor and I were figuring out our roles the past 4 months and me stepping back to fit the chain of command.

I need to be comfortable asking for assistance from others in communication situations. How to approach or how to effectively communicate. Or recognize when I need to draft a message and wait on it. I said in the comments that I need to trust myself and be confident.

Once again, life relates the same situation to show me that I need to learn something. I need to learn to practice how to edit writing. And to write for the audience of the piece.

Solution: the app Grammarly. It’s built on an AI that gives you feedback on the impression your message gives. One word or how the message is structured makes a huge difference. Grammarly gives suggestions and specific tips as you type. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this advice, either. It was a tip by the lovely Pooja of Lifeisfinewhine.

(For those that don’t know, Pooja is a blogger from Kenya who writes about SEO/blogging tips, 6-word stories, poetry, and interesting slice-of-life posts.)

Conclusion: I’m doing fantastic at work.

I’ve already had a couple of opportunities to practice this new way of expressing myself, and it’s working!

I got a raise, and they accepted my idea of bonuses for high performers!

I love my workplace. After so many years of struggling in work and life, finally, I’m getting my needs met. I’ve grown so much in the past 6 months. I’m catching up on my emotional and communication issues that were impossible to work on in the socially distant phase of the pandemic. 😤🥰

Edit: Welp, so much for SEO practice. I scheduled this post for midnight instead of 11 am today. 🙃

Thanks for reading! Have you ever had a performance meeting at work? How was it? Tell me below in the comments!

Copyright TheUnknownReilly 2022.

Days in a Life

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Picture of an Ihealth covid-19 test. Result, Negative.
The first result was negative for covid. This is the home test supplied by the American government. There is hope in our cloudy future.

Or waiting for the results 2022…

What a busy day. It’s 10:54pm Friday, and I’m in bed trying to sleep. Cue: The Beatles – A day in the life.

Been here before with a negative result and a positive result. This possible result could be worse than the positive test result for covid. There are scarier diseases in the world than covid. I simply now know what’s going on with me right now. That’s the problem of diagnosing health issues online with duckduckgo or any search engine. It could be a cold or rare cancer that a thousand people have worldwide. To be safe, I texted out from work.

Friday was test day…

A PCR covid test, a dentist appointment, and an STD test. I had no idea I’d need the latter a week ago, this time because I was a virgin. A former 36-year-old virgin. I’ve mentioned it on the blog… I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. 😂🤣😎. Gotta laugh at your own stupid jokes. Guess I had to get a fuck to not give a fuck, hahaha. 😉

…

Okay, I’ll stop.

I’ve talked about it online anonymously. Me being a virgin, that is. Other than that, I’ve only told a friend I lost contact with and my pandemic therapist. I don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing. After a certain age, you are mocked or thought of as less of a man by women and men. My biggest secret is that I’ve only felt safe discussing online with other virgins and masked. In a future post, I’ll write more about my long experience as a wizard (a man over 30 that is a virgin). For now, I’ll say that I was a safe and consensual one-night stand. Suffice it to say I’ve been really happy.

Tried for a long time to lose it in a romantic relationship… It is what it is.

Some coworkers know I got laid because they were at the bar for the punk rock show, but not the significance. I didn’t feel comfortable saying so. Gotta stay professional and be careful with my sharing in real life. I feel comfortable blogging about not because this is a safe space.

The fact is that I’m single and don’t have a girlfriend. This one-night stand is in the past. I hope that I have an official girlfriend soon. I’m 36, and this was a wonderful gift. I deserve good things too. I deserve a woman who says she wants to date me. Who wants me. I’m done wasting my time with women who don’t want me. Or with anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend or wants to be in my life. Show up, or show yourself out. I’m saying this from a place of calm self-acceptance. What if it all works out?

I’m not getting any younger. I have goals to work towards. I have wanted this all my life. I’m a regular dude and a good man. I’m not giving up this peace or confidence.

Austin Powers: I am a sexy beast!
Groovy Baby! Yeah! 🥰 Finally!

I feel comfortable sharing on the blog because it’s the one place I have control. This is my place in the world. By taking ownership of this aspect of this piece of information about me, it makes me strong. One of the big reasons why I blog is self-acceptance by making sense of the unknown. When I started blogging, I was at rock bottom and completely alone… I felt alone. In any case, I’ve written enough. I’m doing well. No need to dig up the past. It’s gone. I’m not a virgin. I’m not that immature person anymore.

It gets easier quote and clip from Bojack Horseman
It gets easier.

Saturday morning, the results… Russian roulette-style:

The wheel spinning on the Price is right. One contestant falls down, another contestant is jumping up and down in excitement.
The title feels right but maybe too grim. Hopefully, this will ease some tension?

I wouldn’t know my fate until today, 05/28,2022…

Covid PCR results: Negative.

This is how healthcare in the world should be. Free. Or very low cost, with no wait. Click. Empty chamber.

STD test results: Negative.

Thank goodness. These were the tests I was most afraid of.

The urgent care location I went to is not covered by the insurance network… I’m so tired of health insurance bullshit.

Maybe I can bill through them or as a tax deduction. Life has been expensive this month.

I called my insurance company nurse line, and while the initial person took the time to connect me to the right department, She couldn’t get an appointment until 10pm in south Renton… Which I couldn’t do on Friday. I was too wiped out by sickness, too stressed to do an in-depth analysis of my options, and barely made it to drive downtown for same-day urgent care STD testing… ASAP.

Continuing the Russian roulette theme… Two clicks, empty chambers.

Dentist appointment results: Negative. A clean bill of health. Empty chamber.

Veterinarian results for Coco: no signs of a UTI. Tests clear.

She might have a heart murmur or heart condition. The estimated cost is $700+ at the vet I go to. God damnit. How is this fair? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Fuck You, capitalism. Fuck you for doing this. Sigh. I’ll deal with this a bit later.

So maybe something might happen with my dear kitty. I sure hope not.

In summary: I’m okay!

Rip savings.🥲

Danny Daveedo walking away from an explosion, money rains down.

P.S. About Life, & …

There’s this cultural meme in dating/relationships that whatever song you hear when you meet is to become your song. For me, after I was walking home after my one-night stand… It was When doves cry by Prince.

I’m reading the lyrics to When doves cry, and wow! What a coincidence that I happened to hear this song that night. It’s amazing how music can sometimes describe your life at the moment.

Even the parts of life I keep private have gone well. Been a good week again, despite the challenges of life.

Prince the musician in costume playing guitar

Prince

While we are on the subject of Prince… Or the artist formerly known as Prince, I’m a late fan and didn’t know or really appreciate him until the last few years. Which, man. I missed out. Prince is awesome. If you can search for Prince – Super Bowl XLI halftime show on youtube. I can’t link it here, but trust me. This halftime show and live music performance is legendary. And the event documentary of it, too, by the NFL. One last thing. This comedy spoof bit by Dave Chappelle about Prince is hilarious! A cultural millennial legend.

(If you can’t see it in your country, It’s called “Chappelle’s Show – Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories – Prince – Uncensored.)

What a week! Maybe this means the time is close for a girlfriend? Certainly ready for friends of all types! 😮 (Maybe these symptoms, me feeling sick is too long, covid or a cold. Everything else is ruled out. Oh well.)

Finally, I’m a man in all aspects of life. Victory! 🏁🏆

Single and ready to mingle. I also don’t remember when I felt so comfortable with myself. The last time I had so much attention from women. A big deal for me because I’ve been a nerdy, socially anxious, depressed, shy man, most of my life. Fuck yeah. 😁❤️

In the meantime, I’m getting extra rest this holiday weekend! Excuse me as I leave to jam out to Prince.

Thanks for reading! I would like to hear from you about a time you had days like this. You can subscribe below.

Copyright 2022.

What if it all works out?

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A new poster I bought last month from self care is for everyone . (If someone from here is reading this, I'm willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!) "What if it all works out?"
A new poster I bought last month from self-care is for everyone. (If someone from here is reading this, I’m willing to shill lol, I like your stuff!)

What a turn around!

Music of the post:

Times like these, live acoustic version, Foo Fighters

What a difference two weeks makes.

I’m still standing here. The booster shot kicked my ass. I survived. I’m tired and worn out after a hard workout, but I’m okay. I stood up for myself and my values at work, and everything turned out great! I’m doing an excellent job at work, according to my bosses, despite the mistake. Coconut seems to have recovered from the UTI. Life is going great. I’m not over long covid, but it’s manageable. What’s important is that life feels it is moving forward in an unexpectedly excellent positive way.

Rob Lucci, from one piece looks over his shoulder to see Luffy standing up again after a beating.

I’m reposting this Rocky Balboa quote because it still speaks to me in these good times:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! “

Rocky Balboa

I’m winning at life right now

I haven’t been able to say that in a long time.

Being able to express me through blogging and meeting people with this same interest is much better for connecting. You can have friends and people there for you of all types. It’s been a long time since I felt inner peace. Felt at ease being myself. Able to communicate my needs with others and live my values.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt at peace that I can be myself with anyone. While there were brief periods where I felt at ease, confident, and with little insecurities, it was short. Life beat me down. This breakthrough may have been under the surface due to the pandemic. Being at rock bottom, healing, and being cautious because of the need to survive are factors. The pandemic isn’t over yet, and I’m still taking safety measures…

But it’s all working out. I sure didn’t expect that in (cringe) these uncertain times. (Can we agree as English speakers to kill this phrase after all this?)

I didn’t get here alone, and I’m so grateful I didn’t have to. Yes, I did the hard inner work and improvement. I feel like a man.

Acts of kindness

  • There was an uncomfortable incident in a meeting where a coworker was being critical and making us comfortable with their feedback, which wasn’t asked for and was unprofessional. Right after, my boss apologized to everyone there for the situation.
  • Earlier that week, my boss gave me a high five as I was on my way inside to eat lunch, holding a stack of small containers. I did that strange thing one does when you want to have a pile of stuff with one arm, holding it between my left arm and chin. High five accomplished. Lol.
  • The next day, the owner does the same and says he wants a culture where everyone is treated with respect, no matter what their job title. The latter reinforces my POV of my email, which caused a problem at work and got me in trouble because I overshared. In short, massive green flags. I can make mistakes, and my bosses will work with me to grow as a person.
  • I ordered lunch at this amazing restaurant called Damoori Kitchen. They serve delicious Lebanese cuisine. It’s barely close enough to drive to for pickup, and back in time to eat at lunch. I get there, it’s like 115, but my order wasn’t made because the counter person missed the sound cue. Which sucks, but disappointing. They offer to make it right away, but I explain that I can’t wait because I’ll be late returning for lunch. They refund my order, but I’m left hungry. Damn. I return to my car, and as I’m about to back out in reverse, the owner waves to me so I pause, and she brings me some pita chips, eggplant dip, and hummus free of charge! Awesome.

I feel well enough to blog on a regular schedule once more. I physically couldn’t due to long covid, starting this new manager position, and a problematic coworker who drained me because of their drama… Thankfully that’s resolved. My plan, for now, is for eight posts a month/twice a week to improve the quality of my writing and my SEO knowledge/skill. The key is to keep moving forward.

I’ve got my groove back.