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Hey y’all. Is there anybody still reading this blog?

I haven’t blogged since February. I haven’t written anything because I was kind of busy with college and work, dealing with the daily horrors of living in a declining democracy that’s turning into a dictatorship with little resistance. There are lots of reasons, legitimate and not.

The bottom line is that writing and being a blogger wasn’t fun. It didn’t feel fulfilling and pointless to scream into a void, feeling like nobody was reading. (Though stats say otherwise. Point is it that it all felt empty.) So I stopped.

I’m here now. Today, with something. Whatever this post becomes.

Two sides of a vacation

In roughly one hour from now, I’m picking up my mother from the airport. She’s returning from her vacation overseas to Ireland. It’s the first vacation overseas in five years for her.

I’m sure she has had fun, as I’ll find out soon.

However. This is a vent post.

Whenever she leaves for vacation, its one for me as well. Because she’s gone. It’s the only time I truly get to be by myself. Do things when I want and how I want, and its Amazing.

It’s so peaceful. I wish I could live on my own all of the time. I live here because I have to. I can afford to live alone on my own. I suppose I could live with roommates, but do not want to. (I don’t want to deal with one or or multiple other humans.) I want freedom.

Though I am okay with my mother, she is stressful to live with because of her anxiety and need for perfection regarding cleaning.

Things around the house do need to get cleaned on a regular basis. Some things like scooping the cat litter or cleaning it must be done a couple times a week.

I do help with chores, but she does do a larger share of the load.

What grates on me is that it has to be perfect to her standards. There can’t be any dishes in the sink, all must be cleaned, and all of the surfaces must be cleaned. It must be cleaned Right this instant no matter how much energy I have.

I don’t mind it when dishes pile up a bit. When the house is frankly, dirtier.

Because I don’t want to sacrifice my mental or physical health for it.

After years of working in restaurants and other businesses, I do know how to deep clean. But I don’t want to do it unless absolutely necessary, such as when guests are over.

I have had conversations with my mother in the past, and things have improved. To a point. After years of arguing, I’ve learned that it’s pointless. This is the best it can ever be.

She’s a classic case of anxious attachment, I’m somewhere between anxious and avoidant.

Like every human, there is a point in all of us that won’t change. None of us can truly change another person. You can only change yourself. I have to live with the fact that there is always going to be this grating relationship between on us on disagreements. It’s one reason why I stopped cooking with her as much. It stopped being enjoyable.

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Power struggle

More than anything, this vacation reminds me of what could be, but increasingly looking like I will never have. Being an actual adult who lives on their own.

Not having to have this constant power struggle with a parent. To not ever feel like an equal or a peer. To squeeze myself into a box to avoid conflict. Not feeling dread when she comes home from work.

Things would be so much better in this relationship if I only saw her like once every month or two, with limited communication like during this vacation.

Living with my parent at this age pretty much eliminates any hope of dating, especially as a man. I don’t want to bring any potential or actual friends over because I have been embarrassed before.

I might be being a bit facetious or hyperbolic. To sum things up,

We are both human, with flaws and strengths. So take this post in a nutshell.

This chance at freedom may come to pass in a couple years once I have this degree, until then its a fantasy.