Tag Archives: Love

2020’s Last Impression.

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2020:

January: The beginning of the end

I hit my goal of working for at least a year at one workplace. Despite all the friends I made there, it was time for a change. At the end of the month, the company closed and everyone was laid off. I’m glad I worked there, and grateful for all the friends made there.

About 5# of cannabis sugar leaf to be ground into a fine ground product for joints.
What it looks like to receive weed at a legal weed company.
The last one was a joke meme I posted at work. Everyone got sick at work in January. Thankfully it wasn’t covid…

February: Where one door Slams shut, others open.

Old friendships end in an awful way. I never did end up apologizing to that person. I wish I said “I’m Sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I won’t enter your house again, or bother you again.” It’s best we went our own ways. “Sometimes it’s best to leave a relationship broken, than picking up the pieces and hurt yourself. I had to face reality and move on.”

I wasn’t alone anymore because the truth set me free. There was no way for me to continue on like none of this happened. That end marked new chapters with new friends.

March: the Pandemic Saga begins

I was pretty useless in March this past year. I was heartbroken from the rejection-breakup. I had to reevaluate my entire life and life choices because of that loss. I was grieving the death of my 18 year old kitty from December 2019, I was grieving being laid off from a job I liked. It was extremely stressful at home as Mom and I adjusted to being around each other all day at home. I had a nervous breakdown on day two of a new job at the end of February and had to quit that job. I felt suicidal… This time I asked for help from Mom and I went to the hospital. Because of this difficult experience, the psychiatrist there pointed me to the right help. At home, I lived on the couch in comfortable pajamas, wrapped in a blanket. I split my time on the phone, or watching relationship and psychology videos on YouTube. I started seeing my current therapist in March, and started doing groups over zoom too. As of the date of this post, 12/31/20, I haven’t met my therapist in person yet. It’s been a weird year for therapy. Oh and I started this blog on 03/27/20!

April: Bargaining & Depression

Looking back in my journal, I was torturing myself with excessive blame and trying to right my sense of sanity. Worse yet I had to deal with all this grief in a pandemic world away from family and friends. Weekday zoom therapy groups became my social life.

May… More of the same

It was still early into my recovery phase. But this month produced two of my personal favorite blog posts this year:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/05/01/blue-sparkly-shoes/

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/05/29/not-a-eulogy-a-letter-of-hope/

June: Comfort eating

Brownies, roses, poetry, and Anthony bourdain oh my!

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/06/07/brownies-for-a-friend/

July: The long summer part 1,2, and 3

August: The long summer parts 4,5, and 6.

September never ends: The long summer parts 7-10.

Gumpa passed away at age 92 in September.

October: part 1 of the 2020 election.

November: The election parts 2 & 3.

December: It doesn’t feel like the end.

Happy new year!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Every blog post in 2020! Happy New year!

Remembering my cat Flip.

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Picture of my car flip in the grass, looking at something
Flip in his prime, and the best photo of him.

To Flip:

A year ago, on 12/18/19, I had to put my 18-year-old kitty down. He couldn’t drink water, eat food, or void. He couldn’t bathe. His kidneys had been failing. The poor baby couldn’t move around, and his meows… A weak squeak. Despite his health problems, he didn’t want to leave my side. So I helped him get on my lap or my bed. His name was Flip. He has been my best friend since I first met him at 16. He was there every day through the most challenging years of my life. And his death marked the beginning of a new chapter in life. He taught me about unconditional love. Loyalty. Patience. And eventually, how to love again after a devastating loss. Though I never wanted him to leave, Rest in peace, Flip. I’ll always love you. Fly on, my sweet Angel…

Flip the cat sitting on my lap
Flip the cat sitting on the vent to keep warm.
Flip the cat on my lap
Flip the cat being cute in a box playing
Flip the cat sleeping on my lap
Flip the cat sleeping on my bed.
Flip the cat and Lucy the cat on the top of the couch.
Flip the cat visiting me on my bed.
Flip the cat and Lucy the cat sleeping on towels on a table.
Flip the cat sleeping outside during the eclipse in 2017.
Flip the cat hiding.
Flip the cat and Luct the cat sleeping together curled up on the couch.
Flip the cat on the table
Flip the cat sleeping in a box.
Flip the cat and Lucy the cat sleeping together on a parka.
Flip the cat sleeping on a deck table outside
The cats Flip and Lucy sleeping next to each other in a yin yang shape
Flip the cat sleeping in a sun spot
Flip catloafing in the neighbors yard outside
Flip the cat sleeping on my lap
Flip the cat sitting in a small basket
Flip the cat looking up at me with a toy on the carpet
Flip the cat sleeping in a sun spot
Flip the cat sleeping in a sun spot
Flip the cat and Lucy the cat playing 1
Flip the cat and Lucy the cat playing 2
Flip in a drawer being silly for attention
Me sitting on a lazy boy chair with cats Flip (left), and Tip (right) sitting on the chair arms.
My favorite picture of my kitties Flip, and Tip. Such good boys.

Thank you for reading this; if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share it on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Love and Christmas shopping in Pandemic

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Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

Love and happiness +

Just like that, I have a girlfriend.

For the first time, the feelings are mutual!

…Finally. Everything’s right.

I’ve got a woman, by Ray Charles

I’m having a hard time keeping my head straight. One hand I’m choosing to be mindful of these wonderful feelings. To accept all the love and affection I’m feeling.

Oh, love is a wonderful feeling when it’s the right time, the right person, the right self. I fear it’s a drug that will swallow me.

Soon I won’t have to do “Fake it ’til you make it” because I’ll have made it!

A life long goal of romantic love… 🙂

This is happening because I can trust myself.

I worried that I’m oversharing this budding relationship on the blog.

Balancing radical honesty and healthy boundaries is tough.

I’m learning. This change has come so fast that I’m blown away at how amazing life can be with romance!

A dream is coming true… Be patient.

Christmas shopping in pandemic.

Yesterday I went Christmas present shopping.

It was time.

Hard to believe that Xmas is a week away.

I listened to Christmas music all yesterday and it felt right. I wasn’t rushed into it in November at stores because of the pandemic. It was time to do my presents shopping.

I usually buy presents throughout the year as spend time with people. I listen to things they say they would like, and I write it down to give them as a present.

I’m in the mood… I’m in the mood for Christmas.

Outside shopping right now is like choosing to be John McCain in Die Hard. To don your mask, and drive to a store to go shopping is to willingly put yourself at risk of contracting Coronavirus. I know because I was exposed at work despite everyone following the guidelines.

I took the risk because I’m tired of staying at home.

I feel like I have to consider the risk of the health risks of loneliness by being safe, or risk getting covid because of my natural human need to see the world, and be around my fellow humans.

I assumed stores wouldn’t be too busy on a Thursday evening.

Despite everyone in the 3 stores wearing masks and distancing, it was also a bit thrilling.

Sometimes the aisles wouldn’t allow 6 feet of space between you and the other person. Even with both of u having masks on, it felt dangerous. I took pre-pandemic life for granted. When all you had to worry about at the store was what you were going to buy as a gift for a loved one… Without the risk of dying yourself.

I have a love-hate relationship with Xmas. I love gift giving, wrapping presents, and being with family. One of my love languages is gift giving. I enjoy getting presents for people that gives them joy. I hate the consumer-capitalist aspect of Xmas. So, I like to be a sly shopper while buying what people want for presents.

This Christmas is lean for me. Problem is, is that I have so many new friends in my life that I want to give a present to. And I want to do something for all my family members who stepped and supported me this year.

Time to get creative.

Another day in the pandemic. Where all we can do is be patient and do the best we can with what we have.

I hope I get a new job by the end of the year.

Not gonna lie, getting presents is awesome. What I want most for Christmas is to be able to spend quality time with my family and friends without fear.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Distanced love

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Distanced love

I’m learning on the fly.

This is the first romantic relationship I’ve had. One where you are boyfriend and girlfriend.

I’m ecstatic, yet nervous.

It’s so easy, yet challenging as we adjust to each other.

Love in the time of covid is strange.

All our relationships are at a distance. All new relationships long distance.

We matched on Tinder. She liked my profile. Our relationship is alive through WhatsApp texting.

Chatting with a new person only over text is hard sometimes. I imagine it feels like it did in my grandparents generation, communicating over letters.

My grandparents on my mom’s side communicated over letters before meeting. My grandfather was drafted and in WW2. They eventually married when he proposed with a ring in a letter.

Online only interaction makes me crazy.

Coronavirus complicates traditional dating. In person is at 6 feet with masks on.

I’m worried because I’m falling hard, and it’s going well.

It’s hard to temper my feelings when I’m high off of the love.

On one hand, I’m glad this is slowly building. On the other I want to meet her and spend quality time together.

This is so much better than a crush, or an almost-not quite relationship.

I’ve been patient for so so long…

Tried so hard, didn’t get too far. Murphy’s law in action.

It’s hard to believe this bliss is real. Balancing optimistic and pessimistic thinking.

Must be nice to have faith and religion.

This will be my first romantic relationship at age 34. My previous efforts in vain. Not any more.

I feel like I’ve won the lottery.

In these dark days there is light.

Don’t forget about love.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Xmas come early? Covid test negative!

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Christmas tree 2020.
The Christmas tree.

Breaking news…

I think… I have a girlfriend. 😳 The mysterious woman I met on Tinder that I’ve blogged about recently. We have communicated thus far over WhatsApp, but haven’t met in person yet because of the pandemic, and this new relationship. I’m euphoric that this is happening, and incredibly anxious because I’m worried she might reject me. I haven’t had a girlfriend before and now that’s so close I’m worried. It feels too good to be true… My dream of finding some I love, that loves me too is coming true. That also wants to meet in person. All of my suffering and hard work to become healthy has meaning. Because I earned meaning by being persistent. In my romantic life, 2020 has felt like a classic Romantic Christmas movie…. A Cinderella Christmas story for me? 2020 has also taught me to be patient, and be bold too. Please let this be real!

It’s been such a long time since I could jam to this music. Omg it’s really happening!

Covid test result: negative!

I got fantastic news today, I had a negative test result, so I don’t have Coronavirus! This is also true for everyone at work! I’m grateful for this! This means that I can meet my new beau in person soon. I’m so excited!

My love life is in bloom.
This is the first selfie I’ve felt confident about my looks in a long time.

The end of the Tinder saga?

Today I got rid of all the dating apps I had on my phone. It was nice to get so many matches on Bumble, and even 1 on Hinge, but I’m a one woman man. Omg I can’t wait to see what life has next for me and my new lady. What an amazing turn of events!

Have love and a girlfriend is a thing I’ve secretly wish for as a Xmas present for years. And it’s here? Woah.

Previous December Blog marathon posts:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Tinder saga part 2: Success?

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Maybe it's not the fear of the unknown, but a fear of the known coming to an end -Dr Jaime Zuckerman.
Saw this on Instagram today, from #anxietyproblems page. It really captured how I feel lately. Maybe this is why I subconsciously started this blog… Because I was afraid I didn’t know myself enough. I guess knowing yourself is a lifelong process.

How this journey into the Unknown began: https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/03/

Tinder saga part 2:

I’m worried this new relationship is too good to be true. I’ve been texting a lady I matched with on Tinder. It’s been going well for a couple weeks! It’s so new that it feels fragile. I’m hopeful that it will continue to go well. There isn’t any guarantee of course, but I feel that I’m showing up and being comfortable expressing my needs, being myself, and communicating with her.

Bolero performed by The London Symphony Orchestra.

I’m a romantic relationship noob. The reason I chose Bolero for this post, is because this piece of music is how I feel about the romantic relationship dance. Be patient, but brave. It’s healthy to go slow, and grow. You want a partner with you, not anyone to complete you. The best analogy I’ve heard to describe a healthy relationship is from Russell Brand’s youtube channel. I couldn’t find which video this quote is from, so I’ll paraphrase it… Something like: A healthy relationship is like two buildings next to each other. Each one needs to have a healthy sense of self. Two separate beings next to each other.

I haven’t been as mindful and in the moment for a romantic relationship as I am in this one. It’s been easy to be myself and be vulnerable. I am worthy, I am strong, I am enough. I can handle myself and any problems that come up!

So am I ready to love?:

https://ousoescrever.com/2020/11/28/are-you-ready-to-love-article-requested-by-reilly/

So, as I promised Alexandra Marie Santos in the blog post above, I will answer her response to my question on her blog. Below are questions she posed in her post:

  • Being single doesn’t mean waiting for love entrance, which is the wrong move. When you wait, you slow down your movement towards what is waiting for you. 

Thankfully, I learned this lesson the hard way earlier this year. I’m not waiting for someone again.

  • When you are single, it doesn’t mean that you are emotionally broken, unlovable, incomplete, or missing out on life. In reality, this is your opportunity to glow and master your tools as a future partner by educating yourself. 

It’s not that I feel I’m missing out on dating because I’m single, it’s more like I’m curious what that aspect of life feels like. I haven’t dated much before because I had to focus on my mental health. I’ve been on this journey for 12 years, and finally got the help I’ve sought for for long. To be mentally healthy has been my biggest goal in life for a long time. I’ve been constantly educating myself in whatever way I could over the years.

  • Confidence. When you embrace your singlehood and stop think when and how love will materialize in your life. You build your confidence but also peace of mind. 

Love and relationships don’t just happen. I didn’t learn this until this year. You have to work at it. I simply don’t want to be single for the rest of my life, and would not want to be. I feel like I have to accept this weird contradiction to finally find the right person. Like I have to give up wanting to be with anyone to find someone? Huh? I get that you need to be healthy on your own, and have your own life. How am I supposed to practice relationship or dating skills? You have to practice with people.

  • Singlehood offers the opportunity to explore what you want to explore without being a doormat of somebody else whimsical demands because we tend to choose bad partners or reject good ones when we don’t feel great about ourselves.  

Agreed.

  • Being single isn’t a synonym for death, but a great period to evolve and understand that love and partnership is the merging of two souls, not as a Hollywood portrait, but as how real-life demands. 

Agreed.

  • How do you feel about your single life and being single?

Though the pandemic life right now sucks because I can’t go out and see friends or family in person, or not be able to go try activities with people, I’m comfortable being single. I’m already introverted so I am careful with people I bring into my life.

  • Are you using this time to fulfill your emotional needs and also discovering new parts of yourself? Or are you ruminating about how in the future it will be having another person by your side?

Yep. Basically why I started blogging earlier this year. To fulfill my needs, and discovering parts of myself. I’m not ruminating about anyone anymore because I already made that mistake and waited 7 years for someone to be available. It ended in an embarrassing, ugly, bitter breakup. I feel I’ve learned from it and moved on.

  • Not all relationships will survive, but I see, and research has shown that around 90% of intimate relationships fail because people don’t have mental clarity about what they want, don’t know themselves. And don’t explain how they want to be loved by their partner or think there is someone always better waiting for them. And this takes us to another important point: the necessity to acknowledge their’s and our’s romantic dynamics history. How many serious relationships they had? They were the ones who ended it? At what stage, the relationship ended? What about us? Do we need to chase people? Do we need to prove ourselves and our worth, and so we tend to chose unavailable partners?
  • I know what I want, and have explained to my new person what I want. We haven’t talked much about our histories, yet. I’m not chasing anymore, and I don’t think I’ve been trying to prove myself to my new person. I am enough as I am right now.

If you would like to read the whole blog post, here is the link again:

https://ousoescrever.com/2020/11/28/are-you-ready-to-love-article-requested-by-reilly/

New all time record!

This is a picture of my old dream board. In 2017, my goal was to finish a novel I started. I made it 47,458 words on a draft. I want to finish it. Man, I need to clean this… 🙃

This is significant because, the total word count for this blog before this post is:

Total word count on this picture of a dry erase board is 47,284
Word count for this post is 1108 currently.

Considering some of that is quotes from other people, I’m going ahead and say that I made it! This is officially the most writing I have ever done in a single year! Woohoo!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

2/31 posts done for the December writing marathon!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.