A year ago, on 12/18/19, I had to put my 18-year-old kitty down. He couldn’t drink water, eat food, or void. He couldn’t bathe. His kidneys had been failing. The poor baby couldn’t move around, and his meows… A weak squeak. Despite his health problems, he didn’t want to leave my side. So I helped him get on my lap or my bed. His name was Flip. He has been my best friend since I first met him at 16. He was there every day through the most challenging years of my life. And his death marked the beginning of a new chapter in life. He taught me about unconditional love. Loyalty. Patience. And eventually, how to love again after a devastating loss. Though I never wanted him to leave, Rest in peace, Flip. I’ll always love you. Fly on, my sweet Angel…
My favorite picture of my kitties Flip, and Tip. Such good boys.
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I’m having a hard time keeping my head straight. One hand I’m choosing to be mindful of these wonderful feelings. To accept all the love and affection I’m feeling.
Oh, love is a wonderful feeling when it’s the right time, the right person, the right self. I fear it’s a drug that will swallow me.
I worried that I’m oversharing this budding relationship on the blog.
Balancing radical honesty and healthy boundaries is tough.
I’m learning. This change has come so fast that I’m blown away at how amazing life can be with romance!
A dream is coming true… Be patient.
Christmas shopping in pandemic.
Yesterday I went Christmas present shopping.
It was time.
Hard to believe that Xmas is a week away.
I listened to Christmas music all yesterday and it felt right. I wasn’t rushed into it in November at stores because of the pandemic. It was time to do my presents shopping.
I usually buy presents throughout the year as spend time with people. I listen to things they say they would like, and I write it down to give them as a present.
I’m in the mood… I’m in the mood for Christmas.
Outside shopping right now is like choosing to be John McCain in Die Hard. To don your mask, and drive to a store to go shopping is to willingly put yourself at risk of contracting Coronavirus. I know because I was exposed at work despite everyone following the guidelines.
I took the risk because I’m tired of staying at home.
I feel like I have to consider the risk of the health risks of loneliness by being safe, or risk getting covid because of my natural human need to see the world, and be around my fellow humans.
I assumed stores wouldn’t be too busy on a Thursday evening.
Despite everyone in the 3 stores wearing masks and distancing, it was also a bit thrilling.
Sometimes the aisles wouldn’t allow 6 feet of space between you and the other person. Even with both of u having masks on, it felt dangerous. I took pre-pandemic life for granted. When all you had to worry about at the store was what you were going to buy as a gift for a loved one… Without the risk of dying yourself.
I have a love-hate relationship with Xmas. I love gift giving, wrapping presents, and being with family. One of my love languages is gift giving. I enjoy getting presents for people that gives them joy. I hate the consumer-capitalist aspect of Xmas. So, I like to be a sly shopper while buying what people want for presents.
This Christmas is lean for me. Problem is, is that I have so many new friends in my life that I want to give a present to. And I want to do something for all my family members who stepped and supported me this year.
Time to get creative.
Another day in the pandemic. Where all we can do is be patient and do the best we can with what we have.
I hope I get a new job by the end of the year.
Not gonna lie, getting presents is awesome. What I want most for Christmas is to be able to spend quality time with my family and friends without fear.
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This is the first romantic relationship I’ve had. One where you are boyfriend and girlfriend.
I’m ecstatic, yet nervous.
It’s so easy, yet challenging as we adjust to each other.
Love in the time of covid is strange.
All our relationships are at a distance. All new relationships long distance.
We matched on Tinder. She liked my profile. Our relationship is alive through WhatsApp texting.
Chatting with a new person only over text is hard sometimes. I imagine it feels like it did in my grandparents generation, communicating over letters.
My grandparents on my mom’s side communicated over letters before meeting. My grandfather was drafted and in WW2. They eventually married when he proposed with a ring in a letter.
Online only interaction makes me crazy.
Coronavirus complicates traditional dating. In person is at 6 feet with masks on.
I’m worried because I’m falling hard, and it’s going well.
It’s hard to temper my feelings when I’m high off of the love.
On one hand, I’m glad this is slowly building. On the other I want to meet her and spend quality time together.
This is so much better than a crush, or an almost-not quite relationship.
I’ve been patient for so so long…
Tried so hard, didn’t get too far. Murphy’s law in action.
It’s hard to believe this bliss is real. Balancing optimistic and pessimistic thinking.
Must be nice to have faith and religion.
This will be my first romantic relationship at age 34. My previous efforts in vain. Not any more.
I feel like I’ve won the lottery.
In these dark days there is light.
Don’t forget about love.
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We need to talk. Let’s get one thing straight. A work relationship is a conditional relationship. Which means that this is an agreement to meet both of needs based on the conditions of the job, and mutual matching needs of the employee and employer. I am not your friend, though if everything goes well, maybe in the future after the employer-employee relationship is over. We are not family. Nobody growing up said that their “passion” is to work a minimum wage job. At best you are a transient stepping stone to a better career.
Fuck you for requiring a bachelors degree for entry level pay. I am fortunate at this time to not have any college debt because my first degree was a trade school for Culinary arts at a community college. I was lucky to get grants to pay for it. According to a Forbes article from 02/03/2020, the average student loan debt is: “for members of the Class of 2018 is $29,200, a 2% increase from the prior year, according to the Institute for College Access and Success.” It’s hard to pay so many bills when you start from behind, and that doesn’t include credit card debt, rent, or basic expenses. Its really hard to get by on minimum wage. In fact:
Every $1 increase in minimum wage decreases suicide rate by up to 6%
No, I don’t want to work a flexible schedule, or be open to working 7 days a week. This is code for split days off. Humans thrive on routine, not chaos. This affects my work production because I have no time to fully unwind. Because I’m exhausted from working, and can’t make plans. I want a life outside of work, and I can’t do that without a predictable schedule. So no, I will not commit to a place I have to be at 7 days a week on call, when you won’t respect your employees basic needs. This is a privilege only for my family, loved ones, and dear friends. No I won’t work holidays. I don’t care if you pay time and a half. I’ll never have that time back with my family and friends. The CEO isn’t working and is off.
Flexible.
Clo-open
No I won’t work a closing shift followed by an opening morning shift, otherwise known as “Clopen”. I used to work in the restaurant industry and did this for a bit, and never want to again. The fact that this is still legal is appalling. I might as well be working 16 hours straight. I’d rather work 16 hours and have a day off after than do this bullshit. I have to go home and somehow make due with maybe 6 hours of sleep after getting home at 2am… While you want me there at 9 am for the morning shift. of course I’ve never seen you work this shift boss. The only people who do this are those vulnerable immigrants who make these jobs possible. Who are desperate for any kind of work because American society won’t give them a fair chance at citizenship. They can’t complain about being paid under the table, or make less than minimum wage while doing the hardest jobs, being the hardest working people I have ever met. They can’t complain because they will be deported. That is an abusive relationship, and employers who further this are enabling this abuse for profit.
No I don’t want to work overtime. Not for time and a half minimum wage pay. (I’ve done this once before when I had a good paying job as a truck driver and it was too much. I didn’t have a social life because work was so unsuitable) For many people at the bottom, this isn’t a choice because they need to pay bills. I have and want a life outside of work. Required overtime at entry level might as well mean “disposable, replaceable employees”. In some industries you are competing with unpaid interns from college.
Any “profit” made from the time and a half is negated because I’ll have to eat out to get a decent meal. Because I often don’t have time to plan ahead because of your last minute schedule change.
Fast paced? Fast pass.
Fast paced work environment and multitasking? Get a robot. Pass.
“Willing to assume additional responsibility” Sure as long as you are willing to pay additional money.
“Outgoing personality” This isn’t a customer service job. I know because I’m not suited for that type of work, and filtered those posts out on indeed. Stop burying this requirement halfway down the post. It’s dishonest at worst, and wasting everyone’s time at best. Everyone can’t do every job, that is being human. This is discrimination against introverts.
Team player
I am only a team player because it’s not a choice. I’m curious which “team player” from which sport you are referring to. If this is any of the big American professional sports, this means you will cut me from the team whenever I get too expensive while you draft a replacement for pennies. Glad to know you will be playing by the rules of a team owner billionaire. Meanwhile my “coaches” will be finding ways to screw the players over so they can maybe make more money.
I feel like the Center lineman in team play or groups.
Honestly employers need to stop putting this in job descriptions. What it translates to in real life is: “I as an employee will sacrifice my dignity and time so the business thrives while I am paid the same amount.” None of us are pro athletes. It’s get along with strangers or lose your job. I get along with people and work well with others. It’s insulting to have this pointed out so much in postings. Do people really not know this? 🤔
You are not my friend or family.
Management: you are not my friend or my family because this is a conditional relationship. We employees are here for the money and the benefits you provide to pay bills. This is an “at will” State. Which means you can fire employees if we mess up too much (valid) or you don’t like us. That’s it. Yeah, there is the rare unicorn who does this as a “passion”. They’d do it for free either way. It would be like paying a crackhead to get high every day. (Coworker friends are awesome!)
What employers expect when they say “like family” in entry level jobs.
10k life insurance policy? Glad to know my death is only worth the value of a used car. Which the insurance company will be fighting 24/7 to not pay out because they too only care about money over humans. I’ll be missed at work until you find someone new to hire in a week.
Reality.
“Customer service”
“With a commitment to delighting customers”. I didn’t realize prostitution had a job description. I know Amazon wants to take over the world, then take over Mars, but I didn’t realize their next move was into prostitution. Not that surprising based on how they treat their low level workers. I haven’t had a prostitute relationship before, and don’t really want to have one, but I know what to expect from them. Which is being honest communicators because they know it’s a transactional relationship.
See if you can guess what this Amazon job posting is for?
Actual phrases used in an amazon job:
High School or equivalent diploma
1+ years experience in a retail or customer facing environment
Candidates must be at least 18 years of age
Amazon does not sponsor for immigration, including for H-1B, TN, and other non-immigrant visas, for this role.
**This is a flex time position, averaging 0-19 hours/week**
unique, physical extension of Amazon.com, unique in-store shopping experience where customers can discover the next product they’ll love and interact with our knowledgeable and engaging associate. (Nothing like the combination of a prostitute and MLM seller all in one. I doubt people who go to sex workers want to buy tupperware.)
You are flexible while working in an ambiguous environment with strong attention to detail, possess the ability to quickly prioritize tasks, collaborate, multi-task, (Flexible in an ambigous environment and collaborate/multitask with customers? ….So kinky sex in a back alley? LOL)
e a willingness and enjoy learning new things, with a commitment to delighting our customers.
help identify customer needs and exercise great judgement in handling requests or difficult customer interactions. (Must have a happy ending, and handle their “needs” while not having a pimp as security)
facilitates discovery of anything Amazon has to offer including device demonstrations in a simple and accessible way. (Aka experimenting with sexuality and sex toys… Amazon prime brand)
Follow standard processes, identify opportunities for improvements and escalate when appropriate in a timely manner (lol)
Handle cash and provide accurate change to customers.
Must be able to work flexible hours including nights, weekends and holidays
You are comfortable working in a physical environment. You have the ability to lift up to 49 pounds and be on your feet for shifts lasting up to 10 hours at a time with or without reasonable accommodation
My guess is this classic song by Chef from South Park:
If you’ve been living in a cave without tv, internet or contact with the world, (and lets be real, most of us have all of those things) The world sucks.
The world has plenty of problems to solve, and it needs all the help it can get.
I don’t feel entitled to not work, or to not contribute to society. This year has felt like a sports off-season, where a team dumps all it’s players to rebuild it’s roster. To use a common sports idiom to describe my off-season mental journey… I’m in the best (mental/mature) shape of my life. So it’s my responsibility to have the best season(year) ever. I’m working every day to be the best person I can be. (…Or so I tell myself to psych myself up. Gotta be positive too! Every bit counts.)
I did the best I could at that time, sometimes life works out a certain way. Thankfully I am at peace that I need to constantly be working on myself. That’s life.
All I want is a job I can reasonably do, with reasonable livable pay, with consistent hours and possible health benefits. Where I can make a positive impact on the world, while having a life outside of work. Where I enjoy going into work everyday because I have a healthy work environment.
Since I started working at age 22, I’ve never had the right combinations of job fit, pay, hours, consistency, and healthy work environment at one job. I know perfection isn’t possible. I just want a reasonable compromise so the needs of my employer and me are met. I thought I finally found that for my job at clēēn:craft. It sucks that there’s no work because our great product didn’t sell. On to the next thing.
And don’t even get me started on writing jobs that “Pay for exposure”… While they own all rights to the content you produce for them in perpetuity. AKA FOREVER. 🙄
George Carlin may be dead, but his material is timeless:
Sigh. Back to looking for entry level work while I figure out my long term work plan… At least I have a place to live, food, water, clothing, family and friends. And that I’m getting help from a Career Counselor through my therapist. I find a job that I like… and I’m laid off because the product doesn’t sell. So I have that going for me…
FYI it’s Tuesday… Also, don’t be the person that says this.
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
So much for ever working another entry or minimum wage jobs after this post >_> 😅🤦♂️
I think… I have a girlfriend. 😳 The mysterious woman I met on Tinder that I’ve blogged about recently. We have communicated thus far over WhatsApp, but haven’t met in person yet because of the pandemic, and this new relationship. I’m euphoric that this is happening, and incredibly anxious because I’m worried she might reject me. I haven’t had a girlfriend before and now that’s so close I’m worried. It feels too good to be true… My dream of finding some I love, that loves me too is coming true. That also wants to meet in person. All of my suffering and hard work to become healthy has meaning. Because I earned meaning by being persistent. In my romantic life, 2020 has felt like a classic Romantic Christmas movie…. A Cinderella Christmas story for me? 2020 has also taught me to be patient, and be bold too. Please let this be real!
It’s been such a long time since I could jam to this music. Omg it’s really happening!
Covid test result: negative!
I got fantastic news today, I had a negative test result, so I don’t have Coronavirus! This is also true for everyone at work! I’m grateful for this! This means that I can meet my new beau in person soon. I’m so excited!
My love life is in bloom.This is the first selfie I’ve felt confident about my looks in a long time.
The end of the Tinder saga?
Today I got rid of all the dating apps I had on my phone. It was nice to get so many matches on Bumble, and even 1 on Hinge, but I’m a one woman man. Omg I can’t wait to see what life has next for me and my new lady. What an amazing turn of events!
Have love and a girlfriend is a thing I’ve secretly wish for as a Xmas present for years. And it’s here? Woah.
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
Today, I’ve slowly felt more exhausted over time. I hope this isn’t from covid. I haven’t had the energy to do anything but watch football games. I did some stretching earlier in the day, and that helped a little bit with my sore muscles. There isn’t a reason for this exhaustion or sore spots. Hopefully this congestion I have is due to allergies.
Maybe my body is finally processing the stress from the 2020 election since the Supreme Court threw out a recount in Texas. It won’t feel real until January 20, 2021 when Biden becomes president.
Symptoms:
Fatigue
Muscle soreness
Congestion
That’s 3 symptoms of coronavirus according to the CDC. It’s now been 8 days since I was exposed at work. I’m still waiting on results from the test I took on Friday. So, I’m staying positive, hoping for a negative!😅😷
Last Sunday, I deleted my Tinder account. Overall, I had 4 matches with real people, and 8 with fakes. Of those 4, only 2 actually met my preferences. 1 ghosted me after a little bit, and the last one I’m still talking to.
I felt like deleting it because I hadn’t had a new match in weeks. I didn’t feel like paying another $10 on top of the $30 monthly fee for super likes. It felt like most of the women I swiped were super popular users. So the only way to stand out was to pay more just to be able to send a message. No thanks.
In Tinders place I’m trying Bumble and Hinge (again). I’ve had a Bumble account for a while, with no luck… Until today when I discovered I had a match. 🙂 I swiped right today, so now I have to wait 24 hours for her to message me. Seems to be the story of 2020… Patience and waiting.
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
As I sat down to my computer and logged into wordpress, I checked the blog email and notifications and had a moment of clarity.
Fellow Blogger Zoewiezoe says it best in her post today:
“(didn’t realize I was coming off as that much of a wreck? But just fyi – I’m actually doing quite well all things considering – the dark tone that works so well in blogs is not my general state of being all day every day )”
For a while now, I’ve been doing blog posts with little editing, thus little awareness of how I might be perceived by readers. For these marathon December posts, I’ve been writing them by the seat of my pants. Straight from the heart because I guess as I write this, I’ve had a goal to be vulnerable and honest. Basically, practicing doing this through my values than choosing decisions from emotions. Every post is a slice of my life and state of being at that time. Whatever emotions are most alive in me as I write.
Growth is uncomfortable:
I like I’m a metapod this year, and in the process of evolving into Butterfree.
“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.”
Sometimes what we need is a pick me up from others. Especially right now in our socially-distant-pandemic-world-society.
“I think you’re really brave to put that kind of information about yourself out there and I know it can be depressing –the reality of life and stuff– but I think you’re in a good spot even if you don’t feel like that. Writing about how you feel can help you feel like realize how you actually feel maybe I don’t even know dude.”
My long time friend, Gus, who wrote a lovely email to me with this gem in it.
Meander:
Where do we go from here? What can I do to radically change my life with what is available to me with what I have? Right now, I don’t know. For now, for today, I need to restart self care. I haven’t had a long walk in a few weeks. I can’t remember the last time I had a really long meditation. Nobody else can answer what I need most right now, I have to discover this on my own. Mindfulness meditation for insight it is:
Some days in life, puzzle pieces match up witin and you learn something.
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It was simple as calling the doctor’s office yesterday, and getting an appointment.
I drove to the facility and parked at a designated parking spot. I arrived to nab the one open space. Three white tents with a taped piece of paper: call ***-***-**** to check-in.
I open the phone app on my phone, and enter the phone number. As it connects, I press speaker option. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring… Nobody is picking up. The parking lot is about 80 percent full, and it’s 110pm, so they must be busy. The call ends.
I connect bluetooth and put on the Cloud of Unknowing.:
It’s a somber, soulful song which matches my worries. I don’t know how this test will turn out.
I call the number again, and check in. Now I have to wait.
I don’t have long to worry, as the man in the car in the parking spot to my right has a medical professional approach his car. The professional is wearing a white lab coat, N95 face mask, a plastic face shield, and disposable gloves.
I pause the music to observe.
The man in the car opens the door ajar, wearing a baby blue disposable mask. The professional explains the procedure to him.
Put the swab in each nostril and swab inside each for 15 seconds. Then you hand the swab back to her with your mask back on.
He finishes his test, hands the swab to her, and she tells him to expect results in 2-5 days depending on how busy the lab is. The man asks about work, and the professional says that the office will write a letter if requested for a positive result.
A moment later, the medical professional repeats the covid-19 test procedure with me. She ends with “Until you get your results, act like you have it.”
I drive home. Pondering my life. While it’s unlikely I have it, and there is a high chance I recover, I could die. I could die in the next two weeks.
I feel like I’ve barely become an average man. Never known romantic love, what it feels like to achieve a dream, never been independent, haven’t even had an amazing date… Haven’t had sex.
Is this really it? Is this really the best I could do in 34 years?
I’m trying to be positive about my life. But I’m not satisfied how it is. I hope my destiny isn’t to die from covid.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A few minutes ago, my coworker called me. He got news from the company we rent the commercial canning machine from that one of the employees tested positive for Covid-19. The risk for exposure is likely low, as everyone wore masks and because of how the machine is set up, we are always 6 feet or more away. When we do canning, the spot for the machine is well ventilated. On top of this, I have been really on top of washing my hands.
Tomorrow I’m going in for a test. It will be the second time I have tested this year. The first being a couple months ago just to be safe, and to further science. This time is for the real thing. The nurse at my doctors office said it takes about 5 days to get results after.
I haven’t had any symptoms yet, but since I last worked on Friday, I might not be showing symptoms yet. Here is the current information from the CDC:
Watch for symptoms
People with COVID-19 have had a wide range of symptoms reported – ranging from mild symptoms to severe illness. Symptoms may appear 2-14 days after exposureto the virus. People with these symptoms may have COVID-19:
Fever or chills
Cough
Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing
Fatigue
Muscle or body aches
Headache
New loss of taste or smell
Sore throat
Congestion or runny nose
Nausea or vomiting
Diarrhea
This list does not include all possible symptoms. CDC will continue to update this list as we learn more about COVID-19.
When to seek emergency medical attention
Look for emergency warning signs* for COVID-19. If someone is showing any of these signs, seek emergency medical careimmediately:
Trouble breathing
Persistent pain or pressure in the chest
New confusion
Inability to wake or stay awake
Bluish lips or face
*This list is not all possible symptoms. Please call your medical provider for any other symptoms that are severe or concerning to you.
Call 911 or call ahead to your local emergency facility: Notify the operator that you are seeking care for someone who has or may have COVID-19.
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
Every year, Spotify, my choice of music app, gives every user a playlist of the top 100 songs you listened to over the year. Until now, it’s been a neat bonus to see how you were feeling in that year. Whenever I’m in a nostalgic mood, I like to turn on the lists I have from 2017, 2018, and now 2019. 2020 was crazy in the US, and the world with the Corona virus pandemic. So, I’ve been waiting to listen to this since March. It’s cool that Spotify gives you this for December.
I’ve never had a year like 2020. On one hand, a large portion of this year was utter hell for me. Going through an ugly friendship breakup in an ordinary year is hard enough. This in a pandemic year where you can’t visit friends or family, can’t safely go out and do social activities, and everything is online has to be a layer of hell. Despite all the bad, I feel looking back that this will be a positive year.
On the other hand, because I finally got the support from therapy, I’ve had great personal growth. I still don’t feel like I have my shit together, but hey, progress is progress. I have been working on my problems this year, and not been a total potato while unemployed. Nothing like being laid off, and the world shutting down 2 months later. Thankfully I got unemployment. At this point, life is one day at a time.
On initial glance of this list because I just discovered this list today, my impressions are: Nostalgic, wistful, angry, depressed, heartbreak, Chillin, Shock, delusions, glimpses of a new life.
This playlist might as well be a glimpse into my soul.
My life on Spotify, summed in 6 hours, 58 minutes. While I doubt anyone will listen to all 7 hours, hopefully I can introduce a new song or two you haven’t heard before. Anyway here’s my Spotify top 100 of the year:
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