Tag Archives: self acceptance

Burned out, Frozen In.

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A zoomed in picture of my car from the Ice storm in Seattle, December 23rd, 2022. The car is a white prius. There is so much ice that there is a reflection of my car on the surface.

Frozen in.

It’s 36 degrees Fahrenheit outside today. It’s been cold and snowing all week, and last night was an ice storm.

I called out one day this week because I felt unsafe driving to work. My Prius spins out in normal conditions; I’m not going to risk driving on ice. I may need new tires. It’s probably how the car is. I drive safely and maintain it, and the mileage is about 69k.

I’m waiting on whether or not work will be open today. One more hour and the boss will give the word. That said, I’m leaning on staying home for safety because conditions haven’t changed much since 730am.

Today is a metaphor for how I’ve felt about my life outside of work. Frozen in place, surrounded by ice.

Burned out

I’m thriving at work, getting attention for working hard, and pushing myself to do things that I’ve never done at any job before, and I’m proud of myself for that. Proud but exhausted.

In the past month, I’ve: written 4 SOPS or standard operating procedures for work and writing a draft for two more. I can do this now because of my strong relationships with my department lead, boss, and ownership. There’s mutual trust and respect. This is possible because I stuck with this company when times were tough earlier in the year. This is possible. After all, I bet on myself because I chose to respond to situations differently than I had in the past. I decided not to give up.

I’m in charge of planning a Holiday Potluck Party for next month. I’m excited about that while being worried about it being a super spreader covid event 1 year after I got covid at a Pizza party I threw at work. I’m so tired of being worried about covid… This time will be different. I will do everything I can to prevent this from happening again.

Along with this, I’m making friends at work! Didn’t think it would be possible to be friends with a boss and have professional boundaries.

I’m successful. Finally! Despite this long-ass journey to find secure work, I’m successful because I’ve worked hard in therapy, despite years of struggling to find that too. All this persistence is paying off. Next month will be 1 year since I became a manager. My time was short as a manager. However, I’m content being an assistant manager.

Long-term, career-wise, I don’t want to own my own business or manage people as a life. I don’t know what I want to do, and that’s okay. I could manage a small group of people in the future like I’m doing now, but I’d prefer not to. It’s not a strength, and my social battery drains fast.

Physically I can’t be a full-time manager. I can’t because of long covid. Next month will be a year since I caught covid, and I’m just coming to terms with the fact that I might have this for the rest of my life. Maybe it will heal on its own like some who have long covid. Possibly there will be a cure. For now, I have to live with it. I am doing better compared to earlier in 2022… But it’s a daily thing to manage.

I’ve been getting by this month, getting home, watching anime, and going to bed early.

I shouldn’t be dating right now.

I’ve had some time to reflect on how I’m living and showing up outside of work, and I don’t enjoy seeing how I am.

I go to work and come home to watch an anime show, tv show, or movie I’ve watched several times before for comfort while browsing Instagram and occasionally playing with Coconut or playing video games.

I’ve let myself go, and I’m over 240 pounds… The heaviest I’ve ever weighed. It’s no wonder, considering how unhealthy I eat.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am a disabled person because of Long Covid. Next month will be a year since I caught Covid. I have a chronic illness that doesn’t have a cure and might never ever have a cure. Medicines and treatments might be on the way, but I can’t control that. I am hopeful that treatments and drugs will come because I don’t want to pray for bad things to happen. Until then, I have to accept that it is my life. I’ve become a different person than I was a year ago. I haven’t come to terms with that.

I was browsing DuckDuckGo, searching various phrases, and I found this article by Dr. Nerdlove titled “How Do I Date When I Have A Disability?“ that I came up with as a related blog post at the end of “5 Times When You Shouldn’t Be Dating”. The original article is helpful, but it didn’t nail why I’ve felt this unique frustration that I have felt this year and the past couple of years. I should be taking a date from dating, but I didn’t know why. I can’t change if I don’t understand the problem. Knowing why helps me challenge anxious or depressing thoughts that come up. Knowing why helps me set boundaries and be mindful of when I need self-care. The article is much longer and has a bunch of helpful gems in it, but for the sake of this blog post, I feel this portion nails how I feel:

“I wonder – and you’ll have to tell me if I’m wrong about this – if part of the problem is that you’re still in the adjustment period. I mean, come on, you just had your life blown apart in a way that’s changed everything for you. Yeah, it’s been three years, but that’s less than a tenth of your life; you had thirty years of living life one way, then suddenly having to change almost everything. That’s not a lot of time to come to terms, to mourn or to build the new systems that work for you. And while I have no doubt that you’re a magnificent badass with the heart of a volcano and the passion of a thousand burning suns in your soul, even Lucifer needed time to say “well…. fuck” after hitting the ground.

So it may be worth looking inward and seeing if you’re still holding yourself to standards – the “good working order” – that are literally impossible any more. Acknowledging your disability doesn’t mean you’re “not in good working order”, it means recognizing that you have a new reality and you need to adapt to it. Being upset at how your life changed and what you’ve had to give up – at least for now – doesn’t mean you’re not fit to share your life with anyone. Acknowledging that you’re lonely and feeling isolated and wanting more doesn’t mean that you’re not fit to date, it means you’re dealing with some shit.

So maybe… be a little easier on yourself for the moment and deal with that shit. Recognize that life is different, your operating rules are different and maybe your definition of “in good working order” needs to adjust as well.

“But it’s been three years!” I hear you cry. “Treatment and therapy hasn’t helped.”

OK… but are you sure that the therapy you’ve been getting is what you need? Is it possible that maybe you don’t have the right therapist? Or, hear me out: is it possible that you’re trying to fit into an able-bodied framework when you simply aren’t abled anymore?”

https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-do-i-date-when-i-have-a-disability/

I’m burned out from dating and need a break. I will feel much safer after winter, and I don’t have to worry about catching covid again.

Yay, I managed to grind out a post…

35 years old

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selfie of author
A selfie of blogger Unknown Reilly.
I really need a haircut and my beard styled.

Today I turn 35 years old.

Happy Birthday, Reilly. This was quickly the most extended year of our life. Last year this time, it felt like your entire world imploded. Then the earth closed down because of the danger of coronavirus. Despite that, you also finally got the help you needed in therapy. That took ten-plus years for everything to line up right. The right combination of medicine, treatment, and groups. This was so effective because you were and are committed to doing the work. You made that happen by not giving up. You gave it another chance by resisting that call to end your life last year.

Cats

You got a new cat. It was tough to lose my old cat, Flip, in December 2019. Like other loved ones I’ve lost, I think about him from time to time. He was a great kitty that lived a long life of 18 years. But, nine months later, you found Coco (nut). She is fantastic in other ways than Flip, and I look forward to having her as my cat in the future.

Cat posing in grass on a sunny day
Coco the Siamese cat exploring the dry baking goods in the lazy Susan.
Coco exploring the dry pantry. She’s become an inquisitive teenager.

Work

You got another job, way better than expected, and did a good job. Sadly, the product didn’t sell, and it didn’t work out. That’s life. Thanks to that job, you have had two interviews in the past month. Finding work is way easier now compared to a year ago. There are so many job postings. Despite being laid off from your previous job in January 2020, if it wasn’t for your efforts to be successful, work hard, and achieve your goal of working there for at least a year… You wouldn’t have had unemployment to pay your bills all this time. I don’t remember ever thanking them, so I will now. Thank you, Willie’s Reserve, for hiring me and for that 14-month job experience.

pallet of cans, boxed

Dating

You tried several times to find a person to date, and you did. It was a short online relationship of two months. It didn’t last because we weren’t compatible, but she was still my first girlfriend. That was the first time I’d experienced romance, and it was terrific. I certainly did not think this was possible after that painful friend’s breakup/crush. Maybe I’ll return to online dating in the future, but for now, it’s on pause. The apps are deleted from my phone. I would consider dating someone I met in person. But that’s after I get the vaccine, and social stuff opens up again.

This would not have happened if I wasn’t committed to self-improvement and therapy. Thanks to youtube and the videos I watched, I found helpful advice from relationship coaches such as Susan Winter. I felt like I went through college-level classes in dating and relationship skills.

I know on an intellectual level that I’ve improved in many areas. But thanks to the weird anti-social world of the pandemic, I haven’t had many opportunities to practice them. This past year feels like an extended sports offseason.

So, Happy Birthday, Reilly. You made it another year. If I’m lucky, I have another 40-50 years. Maybe longer. Regardless, I made it another year in the most challenging year of my life. Hope is on the way, and I will appreciate all the little things I took for granted before the pandemic.

I feel like this song is a perfect reminder to be tender/patient with yourself and the world right now.

Song of the post: Try a little Tenderness by Otis Redding.

P.S. I’ll be returning to posting once a week on Saturday starting next week. Maybe I can post more often in the future. For now, once a week is the best I can do.

A Step Forward

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Despite recent posts being “down”, I’m doing alright.

“To learn patience is to rebel against every hardship.”

Henry Nouwen.

So, about 2 weeks ago, I quietly returned to the dating pool. Which for the time being, is online dating. Yeah, I have work to do on myself. Yeah, I’m unemployed and looking for work. Yeah I rent from my mom. So what? I don’t like it either, but I’m working on improving these things. I’m worthy, I have good things I can offer too!

I find myself discovering what I want from a future partner by browsing people’s dating profiles. It’s helping me to discover myself and the life I want.

I’m getting better at my worst life skill, dating! Yay!

Social skills aren’t a natural strength for me. (I’m a classic introvert.) That said, the pandemic has tested my limit for being alone. Turns out I do like being around people, and not being a complete hermit. Some is cool.

Lately I’ve been dreaming of the day covid is over because everyone’s vaccinated. For the first time, I want to throw a big party to appreciate everything I took for granted because of the pandemic. I look forward to do activities in person again.

Dreaming of the future

I feel I made a breakthrough on Monday. It feels like a combination of many little things. I’m grateful to achieve this! My hard work in therapy is paying off! Seems a higher dose of buspirone, the anxiety medication I take, and doxepin for sleep was just what I needed. I felt tired and out of it last month because I was recovering from poor sleep for so long. Nothing like waking up rested, and dreaming again.

What I want to do by this time next year is to move out. This is something that I’ve wanted to do for years, but life kept getting in the way. Finally it feels like life is turning around. The next step is to get a job, then figure out the long term career problem. One step at a time.

Gotta celebrate each step forward along the way!

I wonder what the future will bring?

Listen to your emotions & Forgive yourself.

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From Pinterest

It’s been an up and down emotional week. Life has gotten in the way, and taking extra care of myself has been the first priority. I’ve been doing better since Sunday, but still having trouble writing. Which happens whenever depression or anxiety overwhelm me. I feel I’m entering a new phase in therapy and life and it’s difficult. As change is. So, I hope these infographics from Pinterest helps someone else going through the same stuff. I’m new at forgiveness, especially forgiving myself for bad decisions I’ve made. I’m working on it.

-This too will pass.

I let Coco out during the snowy weekend and she tried to escape! She was fearless despite the snow being 26 inches!

2020’s Last Impression.

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2020:

January: The beginning of the end

I hit my goal of working for at least a year at one workplace. Despite all the friends I made there, it was time for a change. At the end of the month, the company closed and everyone was laid off. I’m glad I worked there, and grateful for all the friends made there.

About 5# of cannabis sugar leaf to be ground into a fine ground product for joints.
What it looks like to receive weed at a legal weed company.
The last one was a joke meme I posted at work. Everyone got sick at work in January. Thankfully it wasn’t covid…

February: Where one door Slams shut, others open.

Old friendships end in an awful way. I never did end up apologizing to that person. I wish I said “I’m Sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I won’t enter your house again, or bother you again.” It’s best we went our own ways. “Sometimes it’s best to leave a relationship broken, than picking up the pieces and hurt yourself. I had to face reality and move on.”

I wasn’t alone anymore because the truth set me free. There was no way for me to continue on like none of this happened. That end marked new chapters with new friends.

March: the Pandemic Saga begins

I was pretty useless in March this past year. I was heartbroken from the rejection-breakup. I had to reevaluate my entire life and life choices because of that loss. I was grieving the death of my 18 year old kitty from December 2019, I was grieving being laid off from a job I liked. It was extremely stressful at home as Mom and I adjusted to being around each other all day at home. I had a nervous breakdown on day two of a new job at the end of February and had to quit that job. I felt suicidal… This time I asked for help from Mom and I went to the hospital. Because of this difficult experience, the psychiatrist there pointed me to the right help. At home, I lived on the couch in comfortable pajamas, wrapped in a blanket. I split my time on the phone, or watching relationship and psychology videos on YouTube. I started seeing my current therapist in March, and started doing groups over zoom too. As of the date of this post, 12/31/20, I haven’t met my therapist in person yet. It’s been a weird year for therapy. Oh and I started this blog on 03/27/20!

April: Bargaining & Depression

Looking back in my journal, I was torturing myself with excessive blame and trying to right my sense of sanity. Worse yet I had to deal with all this grief in a pandemic world away from family and friends. Weekday zoom therapy groups became my social life.

May… More of the same

It was still early into my recovery phase. But this month produced two of my personal favorite blog posts this year:

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/05/01/blue-sparkly-shoes/

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/05/29/not-a-eulogy-a-letter-of-hope/

June: Comfort eating

Brownies, roses, poetry, and Anthony bourdain oh my!

https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/06/07/brownies-for-a-friend/

July: The long summer part 1,2, and 3

August: The long summer parts 4,5, and 6.

September never ends: The long summer parts 7-10.

Gumpa passed away at age 92 in September.

October: part 1 of the 2020 election.

November: The election parts 2 & 3.

December: It doesn’t feel like the end.

Happy new year!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Every blog post in 2020! Happy New year!

December Goal: Post 31 days in a row!

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From Mt Rainier wonderland trail.

It’s time to set more goals. The first I set in a long time was to go on 1 date by the end of the year in this post: https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/11/14/goal-go-on-1-date-before-2021/ .

This year, I have focused on self improvement. It’s been my major goal for a long time to be mentally healthy, and I finally was able to break through this year thanks to having a therapist. Thanks to having professional support and guidance. Thanks to the right mix of medications. I’m not perfect, and I have things to work on, and that is okay! Finally my hard work and persistence is paying turning into massive positive change. Finally I’m turning into the person I’ve always dreamed I could be.

Though 2020 has been really hard, I’m healing. I am recovering from my mental illnesses. Those that I can’t escape are managed. Lately I don’t even recognize this person that I’ve become. For a long time, I never thought that I would be enough as I am. That I would like to be around people. I didn’t think that I would like to talk to new people. That I would have so many cool people in my life I can call friends. I’m not alone, and I am comfortable being single, by myself. It would be awesome to have a girlfriend to share my life with. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am an awesome person by myself. I can be my own friend and help myself. I am a recovering depressed person. I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I am a recovering hermit. I am a recovering Nice guy. I am enough. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything and everyone else. I am responsible for myself and my life. I was watching Avengers: Endgame for the second time, and this quote really resonated:

“I Used To Have Nothing. And Then I Got This – This Job, This Family – And I Was Better Because Of It. Even Though They’re Gone, I’m Still Trying To Be Better.” -Black Widow, Avengers Endgame.

Source

Though this quote is about loss, I feel it really describes what the world currently feels like. Only interacting with friends, family, and people online isn’t the same. We are connected, but not. I really miss pre pandemic life. I took it for granted. Even before this, I was touch starved. Thankfully I’ve had kitties fill this void.

Thank goodness for my dear kitten Coconut.

It’s not like I wasn’t like I wasn’t hugged or had caring touch from family. I simply crave affection. The need for touch, intimacy, tenderness, and affection is a human need. Missing out on romance sucks too. It’s tough for me to admit this.

More on touch starvation:

“The COVID-19 pandemic has meant increased isolation for a lot of people. Even with lockdowns no longer as stringent as they were in March, many people are still working from home, minimizing their social outings, and avoiding intimate contact with people they don’t live with. The truth is, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing outside of your pod will probably feel risky until there’s a coronavirus vaccine. And for people who are super strict about avoiding that risk, that lack of contact can have a serious psychological impact, causing something called touch starvation.

Psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that contact with peoples’s bodies, whether it’s the hug of a friend or interactions with hairdressers, massage therapists, ornail techs, can be a key part of our self-care — and when we’re deprived of it, we experience higher levels of stress. “This has had devastating impacts on the mental health of most of the population,” she says, pointing to the fact that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) have found higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts across the U.S. since the pandemic began. “Even one long genuine platonic hug from someone we trust may be enough to help our mental and physical health.”

Source

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/touch-starvation-symptoms-ways-to-cope-experts

That said, I am working on my need for romantic connection as demonstrated by working on myself, and joining the limited online dating scene.

Current Goals:

  • Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
  • Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
  • Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
  • Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
  • Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
  • Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
  • Goal: find a long term career.
  • Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
  • Goal: hang out with friends.
  • Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.

Songs of the post:

Make yourself by Incubus.
Like a Rolling Stone, Live at Winterland, covered by Jimi Hendrix

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Ikegai: or, finding meaning and purpose

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I need to let go of some things from earlier this year. It was wrong of me to blog about the friendship fallout online. So, I am deleting all the related posts. (It is possible to do harm with a bad apology.) What served me in the past, is not who I want to be in the future. Our present becomes our future selves. Keeping those posts online is only keeping the past alive.

“In the Tao Te Ching it says: By letting go, it all gets done” This is how the meditation below begins. Since I found this meditation on Spotify, I’ve began to use to sleep every night since July.

Therefore I must change. To begin by removing and editing the posts that talk about this relationship. From now on I’ll keep these things private. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I chose to break up. I said that I would keep my word and move on, and I haven’t. It was cruel and immature for me to vent about this online. I regret doing this, and am ashamed that I did this. It’s time to move on. I hate how things ended. This is reality. It ended how it did, and I can’t change that. It’s in the past and will always be a small part of me like every other experience I’ve had. I don’t know what she wanted of me, but I don’t need to know. I didn’t want to end it. All I know is that for my own health, for my own future, it was time to move on. You give yourself closure. No relationship lasts forever. No one is entitled to a friendship with you. We weren’t compatible for any future relationship. That chapter of life is over. I did her a favor.

In order to step forward in life, I need to stop shooting myself in the foot every time I make a mistake.

“Apparently, the Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way. The first arrow is the actual bad event, which can can, indeed, cause pain. The second arrow is the suffering. That’s actually optional. The second arrow represents our reaction to the bad event. It’s the manner in which we chose to respond emotionally.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dont-shoot-the-second-arr_b_5102701

This is explained better by this awesome blog post where I first learned of this concept:

https://bullshitpositivity.com/one-step-at-a-time-a-meditation/

I highly recommend this blog called: “The Bullsh*t Positivity Project: “A tribute to self-love, grace, and real people living real lives.”

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