My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict. I’m a love addict. I’m a recovering codependent. I’m a recovering hermit. I’m in therapy getting help. I guess it’s helping. The past year, I’ve greatly cut my marijuana consumption.
A year ago I hit rock bottom.
I felt out of control and needed help. It didn’t help that night that I smoked two infused joints, and two dabs (a dab to a bowl of weed is like a shot of hard alcohol to a glass of wine/beer) when I got home from work. The previous week was an emotional roller coaster. I had friends over for board game night… The first time in about 10 years that I invited new friends over to visit. It was a great night. A couple days later I started a new job. After one day, I was convinced it was the best place I’d ever worked. I was really excited about it.
That wasn’t enough to prevent a nervous breakdown and near suicidal attempt. I somehow held on, and asked my mom to take me to the hospital for help.
It was the worst day of my life. My biggest goal in life was gone, and was never going to happen. I I was too late in asking her out, and acted like an asshole. Rejected nicely, and I decided to breakup.
It was an ugly end to a long relationship. I couldn’t go on living like that. It was too painful to continue on. Sometimes you fuck up and there’s nothing to do but move on. This is the last time I’m going to blog about this situation.
I thought I was over this before my first girlfriend, but I guess that breakup opened this scar again. I don’t like being stuck on this. Sigh. Grief has its own schedule.
A year later
I can’t help but think about how I’ve changed since a year ago. If it wasn’t for that regretful situation, I wouldn’t have given therapy another chance. I am grateful that I did, and that I’ve finally got the right help for me.
Yesterday in therapy, my therapist said two things that really stuck out regarding this.
One: Have you learned all the lessons from this event? (I have. I won’t ghost again, and I’ve worked at increasing my relationship knowledge and communication skills this past year. I learned how to break up with someone in an adult way. I learned I needed help and got it myself. Plus much more.)
Two: She was worried that I would still be unable to move on and be in the same headspace 5 years from now. This also applied to me not wanting to change or grow. Which came down to: I don’t know why I act this way, and I don’t have a reason to get up every day. I don’t feel that I have purpose or meaning to my life.
So, my therapist suggested that we update my values. Values give you a way to make decisions on how you want to live life.
Updated Values that I want to have:
Vulnerability
Honesty
Humility
Accountable
Communication
Respect
Vision
Independence
Healthy
Boundaries
Sense of Meaning
Connection
Personal Growth
Creativity
Kindness
Physical & mental health
Live in the present, not past or future.
Values based on how I live currently:
Selfish
lazy
entitled
hipocrate
Don’t care about physical health
self centered
Poor discipline
Not a good list. However, to change, you have to accept who you are right now.
I don’t know what the future will bring. All I know for now is that I don’t want to be this version of myself anymore. I’m the only person who can change myself. I’m stuck because I’m not doing the necessary things that I can do. I’m the one who has committed to therapy. I’m not happy with my life and that’s on me. Enough is enough.
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Only without electricity do I realize how I’m addicted to power.
Can’t cook, can’t read, can’t check the news, can’t escape via a screen, can’t connect with others.
I’m not completely sober from it today. My phone has power: 67%, I’m powerless to it.
My life is completely online. I live through screens.
An hour in, I feel withdrawal from not having my fixes– the internet, watch a video, read an article, check Facebook, read blog posts, write a blog post.
I’ll have to miss therapy today because it’s online or phone. No connection for either. It took 2 hours to send 1 text message, and 1 email.
An hour in, I consider taking my sleep meds and going back to sleep.
Holy crap is this really how I want my life to be?
Addicted to screens, sitting in a corner like a zombie as life passes by outside?
Internet addict:
I am the problem. My name is Reilly and I’m an internet addict.
Only by being unplugged does this stick.
I’m so desperate for a powered on screen that I look to the digital thermometer for stimulus. I look to the clocks for a fix. No good.
This prison is of my own making. I choose every day to be it’s victim. The internet addiction demon is in control.
My worst nightmare has come true… I’m an addict just like dad. Like my late addict Aunt. The internet is my demon.
One big difference is that you’ve been committed to therapy. That’s a big deal, Rei.
Working on changing counts.
Maybe I’m crazy.
Stop being brutal to yourself. You can be honest and kind to yourself.
Time for change.
My inner connection is blinking orange.
I need a reset. I need to unplug, be offline for 30 days, and replug.
It’s been 5 hours… How much longer do I have to cope without my power fix?
Like all the powered devices around the house, I’m off.
Won’t somebody plug me back in? I can’t do it myself.
The power returns as the sun sets and darkness falls… Back into my hole I willfully go. I need some help.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being depressed…
Power on, brain off.
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This year, I have focused on self improvement. It’s been my major goal for a long time to be mentally healthy, and I finally was able to break through this year thanks to having a therapist. Thanks to having professional support and guidance. Thanks to the right mix of medications. I’m not perfect, and I have things to work on, and that is okay! Finally my hard work and persistence is paying turning into massive positive change. Finally I’m turning into the person I’ve always dreamed I could be.
Though 2020 has been really hard, I’m healing. I am recovering from my mental illnesses. Those that I can’t escape are managed. Lately I don’t even recognize this person that I’ve become. For a long time, I never thought that I would be enough as I am. That I would like to be around people. I didn’t think that I would like to talk to new people. That I would have so many cool people in my life I can call friends. I’m not alone, and I am comfortable being single, by myself. It would be awesome to have a girlfriend to share my life with. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am an awesome person by myself. I can be my own friend and help myself. I am a recovering depressed person. I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I am a recovering hermit. I am a recovering Nice guy. I am enough. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything and everyone else. I am responsible for myself and my life. I was watching Avengers: Endgame for the second time, and this quote really resonated:
“I Used To Have Nothing. And Then I Got This – This Job, This Family – And I Was Better Because Of It. Even Though They’re Gone, I’m Still Trying To Be Better.” -Black Widow, Avengers Endgame.
Though this quote is about loss, I feel it really describes what the world currently feels like. Only interacting with friends, family, and people online isn’t the same. We are connected, but not. I really miss pre pandemic life. I took it for granted. Even before this, I was touch starved. Thankfully I’ve had kitties fill this void.
Thank goodness for my dear kitten Coconut.
It’s not like I wasn’t like I wasn’t hugged or had caring touch from family. I simply crave affection. The need for touch, intimacy, tenderness, and affection is a human need. Missing out on romance sucks too. It’s tough for me to admit this.
More on touch starvation:
“The COVID-19 pandemic has meant increased isolation for a lot of people. Even with lockdowns no longer as stringent as they were in March, many people are still working from home, minimizing their social outings, and avoiding intimate contact with people they don’t live with. The truth is, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing outside of your pod will probably feel risky until there’s a coronavirus vaccine. And for people who are super strict about avoiding that risk, that lack of contact can have a serious psychological impact, causing something called touch starvation.
Psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that contact with peoples’s bodies, whether it’s the hug of a friend or interactions with hairdressers, massage therapists, ornail techs, can be a key part of our self-care — and when we’re deprived of it, we experience higher levels of stress. “This has had devastating impacts on the mental health of most of the population,” she says, pointing to the fact that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) have found higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts across the U.S. since the pandemic began. “Even one long genuine platonic hug from someone we trust may be enough to help our mental and physical health.”
That said, I am working on my need for romantic connection as demonstrated by working on myself, and joining the limited online dating scene.
Current Goals:
Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
Goal: find a long term career.
Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
Goal: hang out with friends.
Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.
Songs of the post:
Make yourself by Incubus.
Like a Rolling Stone, Live at Winterland, covered by Jimi Hendrix
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I’ve struggled since 2008 to find the right therapist, medications, and treatment combination. As soon as I recognized there was something wrong with me, in this case a mental health problem, I asked for help. Despite all my efforts, my Mother’s efforts, and doing the right thing by giving a combination of 10 different psychiatrists/therapists time and faith in the system, nothing worked. If I did make any progress, it was so small and subtle that I couldn’t tell if it was from therapy. This is incredibly frustrating compared to my experience with other medical treatments, such as physical therapy, which helped me after a car accident and a job injury. Both injuries weren’t that bad. When I went in, I knew a realistic schedule for treatment, could see and feel progress, and would have answers for problems. This wasn’t the case with therapy.
My first therapist nearly kills me by prescribing a medication that gives me three heart attacks at 23. To be fair, this is a risk for any amphetamine ADD medication. The disconnect was that he didn’t bother to visit me in the hospital, or seem to care when my Mother called and said what happened to me. The few visits we had weren’t helping, so I ended treatment immediately. I’m lucky that I was young and didn’t have any serious damage to my heart. It took me another year or so to try therapy again.
In the 12 years when I started in 2008, only one therapist was somewhat effective for treating me. In 2009, I had PTSD as a result of a robbery-home invasion. I did exposure therapy with that therapist, which kinda worked. At home, I sped up treatment by binging true crime shows such as FBI files, Forensic Files, and various crime documentaries. Oh, and watching the news. I knew I had recovered after I stopped watching all of those. I feel that using the true crime shows as a treatment helped far more than therapy sessions. This wasn’t a suggestion by the therapist at the time. Fortunately I had Dr google to help. (You know searching stuff in a search engine to treat yourself because the actual world isn’t helping.)
In my experience with prescription medication, you might get told the top common side effects, then given paperwork with small text including a hundred other possible scenarios. At that point, you don’t care because you (have) to assume the medicine will help you with your problem. Despite all the testing and research each person’s body is different. If everything goes well and the side effects of medicine are helpful, great! If not, it takes months to years to try and get off of medications. It’s still possible to try dozens of medicines for multiple medical issues and not find the 1 right prescription for you. This is for one health problem. If you have multiple conditions, this becomes more complex as you and your provider have to balance the benefits and side effects.
The car windows are dirty. My finger is on the camera lens. The sun is causing a reflection in the windshield. The road is windy and its in a canyon. But I’m moving forward on the road. This is a photo I took on a road trip through Yakima Canyon heading back home. An apt metaphor for my journey with therapy.
Past experiences with health insurance and therapy:
In October 2019, I tried again to get help to find a therapist under my work’s Kaiser plan. Nothing was covered including medication (Which Kaiser lied about in the plan we got. Says 80% of medicine costs, but if you do a price comparison online, every medicine I got except one was the same price as prescriptions under zero coverage.) You also have had to find a therapist from a third party website (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us) by searching through profiles one by one like browsing the grocery aisle. After a while, all the therapists feel the same. I don’t get why finding a doctor or dentist is as easy as finding somewhere to eat, but finding a therapist is like online dating?
You couldn’t search for therapists on Kaiser’s website. (According to the last time I had Kaiser, February 2020) You could only get a referral from a psych coordinator at one of their facilities.
When they did have therapists, there were only a handful of them all booked for months, not accepting new patients. That’s bullshit. This is way too hard for someone suffering from health problems. So, I got medications I could afford on the minimum wage. Except my anti depressant which was $220 for a month of medicine. I couldn’t afford paying $150-200+ a month for therapy on a minimum wage job in Seattle. A major reason I chose this job, and accepting the $1600 a month wage was because Health Insurance was offered. I admit that I didn’t have much negotiating power before I got this job. My employment history isn’t that great. In large part because I’ve been in industries unsuitable for me, and my combined mental health over my adult life has been poor. Honestly, that Kaiser plan I had wasn’t much better from the health plan I had when I had a high demand, high paying job, as a local CDL truck driver a few years ago delivering soda. But that work drove me crazy. Maybe some are suited for that, but it’s another lifestyle career. Where you live to work as your life. That isn’t me. I work to live. I also wasn’t available much during business hours between working in the restaurant industry, which meant I was either sleeping during the day or working at night. Sigh.
Shopping around for plans isn’t an option when you are broke and don’t make much. All the plans are awful, and leave you saddled with debt. I actually have better insurance now, unemployed, with Washington AppleCare than any bullshit private plan over my entire life. My biggest obstacle after the quarantine is over is having to give this up again for a lesser plan. I know I’m lucky to have that, but this time period will be the only vacation I’ll likely have in years. Maybe in a few years after I figure out long term career goals I won’t be making minimum wage anymore, and might have better health insurance plan options. That feels like an eternity right now.
The good news is that I am making progress in therapy. I have to remember to give myself credit, and not be so hard on myself. You made mistakes. Life hasn’t gone as I’d liked, but that’s how it was. It doesn’t have to continue sucking.
I don’t want to do anymore blue collar work because I’ve done that a few times already. College is extremely expensive, and it’s not smart to go without a concrete plan. I need to know the degree and career path I want to achieve. I have some ideas of things I don’t want to do. Either way I have to pay the bills. I’m not going to make the mistake of choosing a path too fast, or because of fear again. It doesn’t help that I don’t like working. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate dating now that I know it’s work too. Guess that’s just the way it is. Well, you have no idea bro. Don’t make assumptions before you’ve really got into it.
Post thoughts…
Thank you for reading my blog! I had a lot of trouble writing this post. I wrote a draft of something on Tuesday, but realized it wasn’t publishable. I lost Wednesday to a migraine, and Thursday recuperating from it. So, I salvaged this from scraps from other posts. (I keep a separate file when writing to put content that doesn’t fit with the current post. This is the first time I’ve found something useful from it!) I guess my writing style is to be completely consumed by one thing at a time. This is progress. It’s one step closer to finding my niche, my purpose in life.
All nature photos from the car taken by me.
Song of the week:
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