Year 2 of blogging
It’s been two years since I started blogging!
My social life is mostly online… And that’s not enough anymore.
I certainly didn’t plan on this, on my social life being this way. Last Thursday, I went to see long time friends and neighbors perform live at a local bar. It’s the first time that I’ve left the house to go to a public place during a busy time in almost a year. It was amazing.
The Marshall family band is classic folk-country and played it before it was cool, and still are master musicians, and still getting better. Nostalgic, comforting, sad, beautiful. They’ve been the soundtrack to my past. A past now bittersweet, and a different life. (If you like, check out their music in the link below)
I’ve left to visit family, and my buddy C a couple times, but not in months. Between the fear of catching covid, work becoming my main focus, then getting covid, it’s been a solitary life.
Back in the before times… Before the pandemic, in 2019 (wow that feels so long ago), I was in the process of rebuilding my social life from scratch.
From scratch with friends. Love my family, but everyone needs friends. For a long time, I’ve been like a hermit. Mostly because I was in survival mode. It’s been lonely, as much as I enjoy solitude. Family visits help, but they’re only so often.
I’m online way too much. As much as a boon the pandemic was for personal healing, my social life has been paused. Everyone’s has. If it wasn’t for the social media dominant life due to the pandemic, I wouldn’t have appreciated or noticed how many people that care and like me as I am in my life. Several chapters with people ended. Deaths, and an awful break-up that where I was an asshole. My mistakes, my choices resolved in the worst possible way.
I’m not quite there yet. I still feel weary of public places with lots of people. Or places with close quarters such as grocery stores. Not that I can right now. I’m slowly healing from long covid. I’m excited to go into the world. Yet at the same time being mindful of my physical condition.
Unfinished business I want to resolve
Dear neighbors: I’m sorry for the pot clouds I make smoking weed. This is my choice, and I never intended for it to affect others. I didn’t realize it’s been so bad, so long. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been selfish and didn’t take this into account. I honestly thought the smoke blew east due to how the wind whips around the backyard. This must be really annoying, and I hope that it hasn’t caused any problems. Thank you for being so patient and considerate.
To the neighbor and ex friend who I ghosted, and haunted two years ago: I’m sorry. I feel like I didn’t clearly say this back then. I feel like I left things ambiguous and that’s not fair. I misconstrued your words, and posted parts of it online. I promised to make amends, and broke that promise. I don’t expect us to ever make up, or for things to change. I don’t expect forgiveness. I wish that I could go back and change my behavior. What I did was unacceptable. I was an asshole. I’m not sure if you read those blog posts that are now private or deleted. Even if you never did or never will, and that’s understandable… If there’s anything I missed, I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry.
This whole situation was a wake up call, and I have worked to improve myself. I haven’t done those things since, and won’t ever again. I will continue to respect your privacy and boundaries, and leave you alone.
I don’t feel like I’ve been a good friend for a couple years.
Once again, that’s on me. I’ve been distant, a flaky communicator, and not put enough effort to making friendships work. Not being emotionally available is a large factor. I wasn’t, but am now because I worked on it. You gotta make social events happen as an adult. Now that I have a consistent work schedule, and there isn’t the incipient threat of the plague, socializing can resume. It still feels weird, even though covid isn’t completely gone, and will be a part of life. That’s life. It goes on, and you learn to cope and grow as you’re in it.
I don’t want to dwell on the past. Ruminating has been a problem I have at times and it’s something I work on with anxiety.
Despite everything, life is alright. Good at times. All of this is because I’ve grown, and value self improvement.
The best thing I can do is to learn, and let go. If I don’t let go, I’ll miss out on the present moment.