Tag Archives: pandemic life

Year 2 of blogging

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It’s been two years since I started blogging!

My social life is mostly online… And that’s not enough anymore.

I certainly didn’t plan on this, on my social life being this way. Last Thursday, I went to see long time friends and neighbors perform live at a local bar. It’s the first time that I’ve left the house to go to a public place during a busy time in almost a year. It was amazing.

The Marshall family band is classic folk-country and played it before it was cool, and still are master musicians, and still getting better. Nostalgic, comforting, sad, beautiful. They’ve been the soundtrack to my past. A past now bittersweet, and a different life. (If you like, check out their music in the link below)

https://marshallfamilyband.bandcamp.com/

I’ve left to visit family, and my buddy C a couple times, but not in months. Between the fear of catching covid, work becoming my main focus, then getting covid, it’s been a solitary life.

Back in the before times… Before the pandemic, in 2019 (wow that feels so long ago), I was in the process of rebuilding my social life from scratch.

From scratch with friends. Love my family, but everyone needs friends. For a long time, I’ve been like a hermit. Mostly because I was in survival mode. It’s been lonely, as much as I enjoy solitude. Family visits help, but they’re only so often.

I’m online way too much. As much as a boon the pandemic was for personal healing, my social life has been paused. Everyone’s has. If it wasn’t for the social media dominant life due to the pandemic, I wouldn’t have appreciated or noticed how many people that care and like me as I am in my life. Several chapters with people ended. Deaths, and an awful break-up that where I was an asshole. My mistakes, my choices resolved in the worst possible way.

I’m not quite there yet. I still feel weary of public places with lots of people. Or places with close quarters such as grocery stores. Not that I can right now. I’m slowly healing from long covid. I’m excited to go into the world. Yet at the same time being mindful of my physical condition.

Soon.

Unfinished business I want to resolve

Dear neighbors: I’m sorry for the pot clouds I make smoking weed. This is my choice, and I never intended for it to affect others. I didn’t realize it’s been so bad, so long. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been selfish and didn’t take this into account. I honestly thought the smoke blew east due to how the wind whips around the backyard. This must be really annoying, and I hope that it hasn’t caused any problems. Thank you for being so patient and considerate.

To the neighbor and ex friend who I ghosted, and haunted two years ago: I’m sorry. I feel like I didn’t clearly say this back then. I feel like I left things ambiguous and that’s not fair. I misconstrued your words, and posted parts of it online. I promised to make amends, and broke that promise. I don’t expect us to ever make up, or for things to change. I don’t expect forgiveness. I wish that I could go back and change my behavior. What I did was unacceptable. I was an asshole. I’m not sure if you read those blog posts that are now private or deleted. Even if you never did or never will, and that’s understandable… If there’s anything I missed, I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry.

This whole situation was a wake up call, and I have worked to improve myself. I haven’t done those things since, and won’t ever again. I will continue to respect your privacy and boundaries, and leave you alone.

I don’t feel like I’ve been a good friend for a couple years.

Once again, that’s on me. I’ve been distant, a flaky communicator, and not put enough effort to making friendships work. Not being emotionally available is a large factor. I wasn’t, but am now because I worked on it. You gotta make social events happen as an adult. Now that I have a consistent work schedule, and there isn’t the incipient threat of the plague, socializing can resume. It still feels weird, even though covid isn’t completely gone, and will be a part of life. That’s life. It goes on, and you learn to cope and grow as you’re in it.

I don’t want to dwell on the past. Ruminating has been a problem I have at times and it’s something I work on with anxiety.

Despite everything, life is alright. Good at times. All of this is because I’ve grown, and value self improvement.

The best thing I can do is to learn, and let go. If I don’t let go, I’ll miss out on the present moment.

Merry Christmas 2021

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Coconut by the Xmas tree.

I’m sorry for disappearing

I’m sorry for not following through on the 10 recipe posts that I promised. I thought I could do this. (I need to start over and plan this out. On a schedule I can reasonably work on) I have professional experience and training doing so. I’m ashamed that once again, I failed. I need help with this mean perfectionist inner voice. I need to get a new therapist… It’s been too long and it’s time.

I didn’t plan this gap of 2+ months without a post. I had two emotional events happen shortly after the previous post. It’s almost 10pm, and I’m writing this on the fly. I feel that I have to post something. I owe it to you.

I obsess over my mistakes and my faults. I haven’t forgiven myself for anything I’ve done wrong. I feel I deserve to suffer and be punished. If I don’t get from others, I punish myself. (Lately I’ve started to talk back to these thoughts saying “Blame yourself once and move on”, a great quote from The Simpsons)I don’t like this part of myself. Or the shadow part of me.

I’m alive, doing great at work, and okay overall. I have zero reason to be afraid of failing there. I work hard, my bosses trust me by giving me special tasks, and they see management potential in me in the future. I even got a small raise, and a bonus for the first time ever.

I should be ecstatic, but I’m worried about the other shoe dropping.

I’m so fucking tired of the pandemic. At least 1 more year of this in the US, and longer for many other countries. Someone I work with tested positive, so I’m worried about that. Everyone wears masks, being vaccinated is required at work, so the odds are low. I’ve had some minor symptoms, but I’m not sure if this is due to covid, my sinuses, or regular work fatigue.

I haven’t had a covid booster shot yet, it’s been about 2 months since the second shot wore off, and I have to wait to get tested again since it’s a holiday weekend. Maybe there’s openings tomorrow.

I’m also exhausted with the state of US politics and the news. It feels like the end of the world… I know this is bad for my mental health, but I feel I can’t stop.

… I need help with my personal life. Not sure where or how to start. I just kinda exist.

Song of the post:

35 years old

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selfie of author
A selfie of blogger Unknown Reilly.
I really need a haircut and my beard styled.

Today I turn 35 years old.

Happy Birthday, Reilly. This was quickly the most extended year of our life. Last year this time, it felt like your entire world imploded. Then the earth closed down because of the danger of coronavirus. Despite that, you also finally got the help you needed in therapy. That took ten-plus years for everything to line up right. The right combination of medicine, treatment, and groups. This was so effective because you were and are committed to doing the work. You made that happen by not giving up. You gave it another chance by resisting that call to end your life last year.

Cats

You got a new cat. It was tough to lose my old cat, Flip, in December 2019. Like other loved ones I’ve lost, I think about him from time to time. He was a great kitty that lived a long life of 18 years. But, nine months later, you found Coco (nut). She is fantastic in other ways than Flip, and I look forward to having her as my cat in the future.

Cat posing in grass on a sunny day
Coco the Siamese cat exploring the dry baking goods in the lazy Susan.
Coco exploring the dry pantry. She’s become an inquisitive teenager.

Work

You got another job, way better than expected, and did a good job. Sadly, the product didn’t sell, and it didn’t work out. That’s life. Thanks to that job, you have had two interviews in the past month. Finding work is way easier now compared to a year ago. There are so many job postings. Despite being laid off from your previous job in January 2020, if it wasn’t for your efforts to be successful, work hard, and achieve your goal of working there for at least a year… You wouldn’t have had unemployment to pay your bills all this time. I don’t remember ever thanking them, so I will now. Thank you, Willie’s Reserve, for hiring me and for that 14-month job experience.

pallet of cans, boxed

Dating

You tried several times to find a person to date, and you did. It was a short online relationship of two months. It didn’t last because we weren’t compatible, but she was still my first girlfriend. That was the first time I’d experienced romance, and it was terrific. I certainly did not think this was possible after that painful friend’s breakup/crush. Maybe I’ll return to online dating in the future, but for now, it’s on pause. The apps are deleted from my phone. I would consider dating someone I met in person. But that’s after I get the vaccine, and social stuff opens up again.

This would not have happened if I wasn’t committed to self-improvement and therapy. Thanks to youtube and the videos I watched, I found helpful advice from relationship coaches such as Susan Winter. I felt like I went through college-level classes in dating and relationship skills.

I know on an intellectual level that I’ve improved in many areas. But thanks to the weird anti-social world of the pandemic, I haven’t had many opportunities to practice them. This past year feels like an extended sports offseason.

So, Happy Birthday, Reilly. You made it another year. If I’m lucky, I have another 40-50 years. Maybe longer. Regardless, I made it another year in the most challenging year of my life. Hope is on the way, and I will appreciate all the little things I took for granted before the pandemic.

I feel like this song is a perfect reminder to be tender/patient with yourself and the world right now.

Song of the post: Try a little Tenderness by Otis Redding.

P.S. I’ll be returning to posting once a week on Saturday starting next week. Maybe I can post more often in the future. For now, once a week is the best I can do.

Two roads

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Two roads poem by Robert Frost, and made into a comic by ZenPencils.com
Source

When one door closes, another opens…

Next week, (and 2021… Next year?!) my current job with Cleen Craft (Link related work posts) ends on Monday the 4th, and on Tuesday the 5th, my new job as a political canvasser with Grassroots Team begins.

Grassroots.team is a political group that raises money for charities such as Amnesty international. I’ll be going door to door to raise money for that organization. Essentially, it’s a sales job. If I don’t “sell” enough monthly donations, I lose this job.

Because of the pandemic, I’ll be wearing a face-mask. My employer also mentioned two additional protection measures by offering a face shield and a 6 foot rolling mat to distance from people.

This will be the third time I’ve done this type of canvassing work. My past two experiences weren’t positive. The first time I didn’t get a donation, so I wasn’t hired on. Had the same problem the second time, and wasn’t hired on full time. I hope this goes well. If nothing else, it was something to do for a good cause. I’ll be able to be away from home, and be outside. This might be the hardest time in charity canvassing history to acquire more donors. So, its okay if it doesn’t work out.

Sales, and interacting with people isn’t a strength I have. This coming experience will be a good way to increase these skills. I have room to grow. This will be a good learning experience.

One major problem… I’m out of shape, and I gained 5 pounds last month due to comfort/stress eating carby food. 😅 I need to lose weight and get back in shape… 😅

Would you risk your life for a job?

That is what is at stake right now for unemployed people like me. Today I realized that an aspect I have to consider is: Is this job worth getting covid and possibly dying for?

My claim to receive benefits expired this week. Don’t get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have had this privilege this year. I don’t have to choose the risk of getting covid and dying, or basic survival. I already had one close call being exposed to coronavirus with my current employer… and everyone did everything right. So I guess that is why I have no problem with my new job. They’re honest and straight forward.

Today I heard back on a job I applied to on Indeed. But… It was temp to hire, required one weekend shift, only a couple days a week, and I was contacted through a recruiter. On top of this, the call ended early –Either I was hung up on or the other person lost connection– and the recruiter didn’t bother to call back or email me to see what happened. Yeah… I’m glad it ended soon. For a job with no guarantee of employment, paid only 15% more than minimum wage, and not knowing if I would have benefits… That was far too risky to work there. I was under the impression from the job description that I would be directly hired. Boy I’m glad I have this job with Grassroots.

Why can’t employers be honest?

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

5 things I learned from blogging in December 2020

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Coco on her princess throne.

Ugh…

So, I’m behind on the 31 posts I promised to deliver this month. I’m a couple posts behind as of today.

Why? A couple reasons. I haven’t felt creative because my life isn’t balanced right now. I’ve been stressed out because my unemployment ran out Saturday, and I only have one shift left at my current job.

Christmas usually fills a couple needs such as family connection, creativity, and expressing my love language of gift giving. Instead, covid shopping was stressful, Christmas turned into a family argument, and it felt like a lame birthday. Guess I’m burned out again.

Home doesn’t feel like home…

While this is the house I grew up in and lived all my life, it’s not home. Along with this, I haven’t left the country for 12 years. All because my combination of untreated depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism controlled my life.

Maybe its because my residence feels like a solitary confinement cell. While I can leave the house, I’m tired of all the surroundings in walking distance. I haven’t wanted to live here for years, and have been burned out by Seattle for years.

Work/life Catch-22…

While I should be grateful that I have this treated now, it’s frustrating to be here in the pandemic. Can’t move out because I need a job for money over time. Limited in work I can do because of my health. Apply to work, but not hear back from employers, or am not chosen. Can’t get a job farther away because I don’t have my own car. Can’t buy a car because I need to live off my savings because I’m unemployed and don’t know how long this will last. Every job has hundreds to thousands of people applying.

Distanced Girlfriend…

I have an girlfriend, but it’s online only for now, essentially a long distance relationship due to the coronavirus risk. I’m paranoid she’s a catfish. Positive signs are that she hasn’t asked for things, she wants to meet up, the gift she promised was delivered, and the background research I’ve done has checked out. With this, I’ve prepared myself by researching how catfish scams work. On the positive side, I’ll get to experience all the wonderful things I’ve missed out on once we meet. She is my first girlfriend ever. Hopefully the last if things continue to go well! (I like to think I’ll be okay for whatever happens. There is no guarantee in love or life.)

The tie Xmas present from my lady!

I hate that catfishing is a thing…

The blog in 2021

On January 2, 2021 (This Saturday! Holy crap! 2020 is almost over!!!), I’ll be returning to posting once a week. I feel the quality of posts has declined lately, and with the pandemic not likely to end soon, it’s the best I can do. I need more time to refill the creative tank. Catching up with friends, family, and my lady over text doesn’t fill my needs for human connection much.

Writing every day has been fulfilling. Every person, and especially creative people need to be a part of the world. I’m no different. My tank is low and I need a refill. This goal was great because it forced me to push me to improving. To find my limits, and grow.

I didn’t think I would feel this need for social connections with people as a former hermit… As a person recovering from social anxiety. 2020 has been a strange year…

Song of the post:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!


© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Previous December blog marathon posts:

I might have covid-19

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Source

Get tested for Corona virus! Info here.

A few minutes ago, my coworker called me. He got news from the company we rent the commercial canning machine from that one of the employees tested positive for Covid-19. The risk for exposure is likely low, as everyone wore masks and because of how the machine is set up, we are always 6 feet or more away. When we do canning, the spot for the machine is well ventilated. On top of this, I have been really on top of washing my hands.

Tomorrow I’m going in for a test. It will be the second time I have tested this year. The first being a couple months ago just to be safe, and to further science. This time is for the real thing. The nurse at my doctors office said it takes about 5 days to get results after.

I haven’t had any symptoms yet, but since I last worked on Friday, I might not be showing symptoms yet. Here is the current information from the CDC:

Watch for symptoms

People with COVID-19 have had a wide range of symptoms reported – ranging from mild symptoms to severe illness. Symptoms may appear 2-14 days after exposure to the virus. People with these symptoms may have COVID-19:

  • Fever or chills
  • Cough
  • Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing
  • Fatigue
  • Muscle or body aches
  • Headache
  • New loss of taste or smell
  • Sore throat
  • Congestion or runny nose
  • Nausea or vomiting
  • Diarrhea

This list does not include all possible symptoms. CDC will continue to update this list as we learn more about COVID-19.

When to seek emergency medical attention

Look for emergency warning signs* for COVID-19. If someone is showing any of these signs, seek emergency medical care immediately:

  • Trouble breathing
  • Persistent pain or pressure in the chest
  • New confusion
  • Inability to wake or stay awake
  • Bluish lips or face

*This list is not all possible symptoms. Please call your medical provider for any other symptoms that are severe or concerning to you.

Call 911 or call ahead to your local emergency facility: Notify the operator that you are seeking care for someone who has or may have COVID-19.

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/symptoms-testing/symptoms.html

This is why you wear a mask, and distance from people. I’ve done everything right, and potentially still might have it.

How to properly wear a mask:

source

How to properly wash your hands:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19! 

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Xmas, South Park, and Texting. These are a few of my favorite things…

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A batch of candy cane cookies I made in 2016. These are so delicious, yet I can’t have this recipe of this cookie because it requires butter. And are high in carbs, sugar, and calories. I need to find a low carb, sugar free, and dairy free recipe of these cookies. …I need to work on mastering low carb sweets. I’m looking forward to this project!
This is our family recipe my mom got from cooks.com years ago. Delicious gluten, carbs, sugar, and dairy. Sugar is a hell of a drug, lol.

Pandemic Xmas, 2020:

I’m dreaming of a regular Christmas this year.

A regular Xmas with no threat of a virus. When I don’t have to worry about Covid-19, just because I want to visit with people. I’m frustrated because I’ve been following the rules since March. It’s nice to to know im not alone in feeling this way. One day the pandemic will be over. Don’t forget to be mindful and appreciate what is going well in your life.

It’s hit me that Xmas is coming up. And I really love Christmas. I like to show my appreciation for people in presents. Giving and quality time are how I express affection. I’m not sure how I like to receive affection yet. Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages is on my audible wishlist to read.

This is normally the time when I get my Christmas shopping done. This year isn’t my first lean Xmas either. So that means being a clever shopper and getting my Mom and Brother what they want on a budget! While all of us are on lean budgets for presents, that doesn’t mean we can’t get exactly what each of us wants.

I wonder what I want for xmas… That I couldn’t buy later for myself, that others can give me. Sometimes asking for presents feels weird because I don’t need much, and usually buy what I need. Patron Liberal Saint, Senator Bernie Sanders, please forgive me. Avoiding products that support the 1% is hard, and I’m only human.

I miss the joy of waking up on christmas day as a child. Only wanting a few things, and still feel utter joy from the presents I did receive. Like you had won the lottery because I got the newest Optiumus Prime or Power Rangers Zord toy as a present. Xmas as an adult is quite different from the experience of it as a child. It felt like you could ask for the world… I want to rediscover that feeling of wonder from childhood.

A dream Xmas present list

  • World peace.
  • Equality.
  • Nobody would be rich or poor.
  • Happiness for everyone.
  • A world free of suffering, free of disease, and starvation.
  • Universal understanding. Is this enlightenment?
  • A cure for coronavirus.
  • A a satisfying life where I meet my needs and give back to the world.

Sometimes text communication is hard.

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard Star Trek: The Next Generation Imdb source

At times, I find the above quote helpful, said by Captain Picard from Star Trek: TNG.

“Geek wisdom: Life isn’t fair all the time. Sometimes you will given lucky breaks and sometimes unlucky ones. There are also going to be times when, even if you think you’ve thought of every possible bad thing that could happen and prepare contingencies for them, things may still not swing your way. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try things anymore. The important thing is that you try.” Source

Sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s okay. Keep on trying. I’m grateful that I learned this lesson this year. Life goes on. (Man therapy, and self care are awesome!)

I was going through the situation described in the link below this weekend with this new relation I’ve had entirely over text on Whatsapp with a new person:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-texting-and-dating-ma_b_7153950

While the target audience for this article is for women, this part spoke to me as an anxious man:

“In a new relationship, texting can be both exciting and filled with anxiety. Before you over analyze his texts, read this to find out how to text in style.“

“On the opposite end of the digital spectrum, the absence of a daily text or a change in routine can send many in new relationships and the lovelorn into an unnecessary panic attack. Let’s face it. Women often tend to over-analyze the word count and sentence structure of every text they receive from men.”

Turns out, what I thought was a red flag was easily fixed by communicating, and the situation is good. Guess this success at communication shows my growth in relationship skills this year. It wasn’t a disaster, it was my anxiety! And I handled both skillfully! Yay!

I’m grateful for this budding relationship, that’s life!

Making or visiting friends in the Pandemic! 😷😅

Understanding the pandemic through South Park episodes.

Lately life feels like the episode “Gluten free Ebola” from South Park season 18. And I feel like the lead characters Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. In the episode, they return to school after trying to get 10 million dollars from a startup. They failed, and try to make up their arrogant failure by doing something good to make up for it. The Gluten-Ebola outbreak in the episode is solved by turning the established thinking upside down and taking a new approach to a problem the world faces. They learn and adapt to the new reality.

Spoilers: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gluten_Free_Ebola?wprov=sfla1

What 2020 will feel like looking back…

Song of the post is not Christmas music. That is reserved only for December 25, not the entirety of November and December this posts song is: Imagine By John Lennon.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Tinder saga part 2: Success?

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Maybe it's not the fear of the unknown, but a fear of the known coming to an end -Dr Jaime Zuckerman.
Saw this on Instagram today, from #anxietyproblems page. It really captured how I feel lately. Maybe this is why I subconsciously started this blog… Because I was afraid I didn’t know myself enough. I guess knowing yourself is a lifelong process.

How this journey into the Unknown began: https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/03/

Tinder saga part 2:

I’m worried this new relationship is too good to be true. I’ve been texting a lady I matched with on Tinder. It’s been going well for a couple weeks! It’s so new that it feels fragile. I’m hopeful that it will continue to go well. There isn’t any guarantee of course, but I feel that I’m showing up and being comfortable expressing my needs, being myself, and communicating with her.

Bolero performed by The London Symphony Orchestra.

I’m a romantic relationship noob. The reason I chose Bolero for this post, is because this piece of music is how I feel about the romantic relationship dance. Be patient, but brave. It’s healthy to go slow, and grow. You want a partner with you, not anyone to complete you. The best analogy I’ve heard to describe a healthy relationship is from Russell Brand’s youtube channel. I couldn’t find which video this quote is from, so I’ll paraphrase it… Something like: A healthy relationship is like two buildings next to each other. Each one needs to have a healthy sense of self. Two separate beings next to each other.

I haven’t been as mindful and in the moment for a romantic relationship as I am in this one. It’s been easy to be myself and be vulnerable. I am worthy, I am strong, I am enough. I can handle myself and any problems that come up!

So am I ready to love?:

https://ousoescrever.com/2020/11/28/are-you-ready-to-love-article-requested-by-reilly/

So, as I promised Alexandra Marie Santos in the blog post above, I will answer her response to my question on her blog. Below are questions she posed in her post:

  • Being single doesn’t mean waiting for love entrance, which is the wrong move. When you wait, you slow down your movement towards what is waiting for you. 

Thankfully, I learned this lesson the hard way earlier this year. I’m not waiting for someone again.

  • When you are single, it doesn’t mean that you are emotionally broken, unlovable, incomplete, or missing out on life. In reality, this is your opportunity to glow and master your tools as a future partner by educating yourself. 

It’s not that I feel I’m missing out on dating because I’m single, it’s more like I’m curious what that aspect of life feels like. I haven’t dated much before because I had to focus on my mental health. I’ve been on this journey for 12 years, and finally got the help I’ve sought for for long. To be mentally healthy has been my biggest goal in life for a long time. I’ve been constantly educating myself in whatever way I could over the years.

  • Confidence. When you embrace your singlehood and stop think when and how love will materialize in your life. You build your confidence but also peace of mind. 

Love and relationships don’t just happen. I didn’t learn this until this year. You have to work at it. I simply don’t want to be single for the rest of my life, and would not want to be. I feel like I have to accept this weird contradiction to finally find the right person. Like I have to give up wanting to be with anyone to find someone? Huh? I get that you need to be healthy on your own, and have your own life. How am I supposed to practice relationship or dating skills? You have to practice with people.

  • Singlehood offers the opportunity to explore what you want to explore without being a doormat of somebody else whimsical demands because we tend to choose bad partners or reject good ones when we don’t feel great about ourselves.  

Agreed.

  • Being single isn’t a synonym for death, but a great period to evolve and understand that love and partnership is the merging of two souls, not as a Hollywood portrait, but as how real-life demands. 

Agreed.

  • How do you feel about your single life and being single?

Though the pandemic life right now sucks because I can’t go out and see friends or family in person, or not be able to go try activities with people, I’m comfortable being single. I’m already introverted so I am careful with people I bring into my life.

  • Are you using this time to fulfill your emotional needs and also discovering new parts of yourself? Or are you ruminating about how in the future it will be having another person by your side?

Yep. Basically why I started blogging earlier this year. To fulfill my needs, and discovering parts of myself. I’m not ruminating about anyone anymore because I already made that mistake and waited 7 years for someone to be available. It ended in an embarrassing, ugly, bitter breakup. I feel I’ve learned from it and moved on.

  • Not all relationships will survive, but I see, and research has shown that around 90% of intimate relationships fail because people don’t have mental clarity about what they want, don’t know themselves. And don’t explain how they want to be loved by their partner or think there is someone always better waiting for them. And this takes us to another important point: the necessity to acknowledge their’s and our’s romantic dynamics history. How many serious relationships they had? They were the ones who ended it? At what stage, the relationship ended? What about us? Do we need to chase people? Do we need to prove ourselves and our worth, and so we tend to chose unavailable partners?
  • I know what I want, and have explained to my new person what I want. We haven’t talked much about our histories, yet. I’m not chasing anymore, and I don’t think I’ve been trying to prove myself to my new person. I am enough as I am right now.

If you would like to read the whole blog post, here is the link again:

https://ousoescrever.com/2020/11/28/are-you-ready-to-love-article-requested-by-reilly/

New all time record!

This is a picture of my old dream board. In 2017, my goal was to finish a novel I started. I made it 47,458 words on a draft. I want to finish it. Man, I need to clean this… 🙃

This is significant because, the total word count for this blog before this post is:

Total word count on this picture of a dry erase board is 47,284
Word count for this post is 1108 currently.

Considering some of that is quotes from other people, I’m going ahead and say that I made it! This is officially the most writing I have ever done in a single year! Woohoo!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

2/31 posts done for the December writing marathon!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Blog Post Marathon, 12/01/20

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To be honest, I have no plan for achieving this writing goal of 1 post a day for the month of December. I’ve been thinking about goals, and decided to just go for it and do it. Last month I wanted to do Nanowrimo, but I didn’t do it because I was distracted by the arduous 2020 election here in the US.

I’ve been a Biden Supporter, so it was fantastic to see him win. I’ve been horrified this year as Trump made the corona virus pandemic into a political issue rather than a human issue. Then Trump challenging all the swing states in court drew the election out further. I don’t have a problem with him wanting recounts to verify results. Acting like a buffoon wasn’t necessary. 50 days to go until he is out of office for good. After that, it will be another few months until the new politicians in DC come up with an plan to tackle Covid-19. So, I’m preparing myself for another 6-8 months of lock down life. I hate lock down life. And I feel like an idiot because I’ve been wearing a mask, avoiding people and groups by distancing, and staying at home since March… All while half this country doesn’t because they don’t care about other people. Because of that this disaster will drag on into 2021. It’s not like wearing a mask over your mouth and nose is difficult, or standing 6 feet away from people, or avoiding crowds. The covid pandemic has permanently changed my mind about America. My feeling is that now it will require harsh laws to get people to follow. I really wish Joe Biden would say: “Shut the fuck up, put on a mask, distance from people, and grow up. Nobody gets their way 100% of the time.” It’s bullshit that these people get access to vaccines. It’s rewarding bad behavior. Instead of a stimulus check, these people should be sent a bill to pay for the hospital costs of the dead. I’m tired of being bitter.

Yeah, Yeah, I’m tired of beating the dead horse about this too…

274,743 Americans are currently dead. With more going to die into next year from Covid-19. 9/11 happened when I was a teenager, and during that time, those same people were saying we needed to unify as a country to prevent another 9/11 from happening. That it could happen every day. Well, here we are. In the past 3 days alone, more people have died from covid than during 9/11. 2996 people died then, 3281 people in the past 3 days in the US from covid. Source. Though the war in Afghanistan goes on, it doesn’t have to. Humanity has no idea what the long term effects of Covid-19 exposure are. I forgot where I was going with this, so in summary, I am ashamed to be an American. I’m embarrassed at other American adults right now in the pandemic. No I won’t forget how you acted this year. Not following the safety guidelines is a moral issue. To not follow them, or scoff at this simple request is a demonstration of your poor values. I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper in the following scene from the movie They Live (If you haven’t seen it before, I recommend you watch it today! I don’t want to give away too much, but it is a Sci-fi masterpiece):

Shut the fuck up and put on your mask properly outside. Stand 6 feet from others. I’m done being polite.

Maybe I should start bringing a 6 foot pole around.

This interview of President Obama really hits the nail on how I feel right now. Exhausted. Boy it’s nice to watch a president and feel at ease.

Despite how maddening right now is, I am doing all I can, which is the only thing I can control. I’ve felt like a hermit this year, spending the year working on my problems and myself because I can’t do anything else. While I have spent the other part of the year online, browsing Reddit, watching anime, tv, and movies, I’m tired of it. As a recovering agoraphobic, I didn’t think that I would miss being around people. I certainly didn’t expect that I would be comfortable talking to women or being comfortable to date. I think I’ve struggled the most this year with if I have made progress or grown as a person. Internal validation only goes so far when your struggles are around socializing with people. I think the only reason I’ve stayed somewhat sane this year is by focusing on goals.

Yeah that. The #1 goal this year.

Current goals:

  • Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
  • Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
  • Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
  • Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
  • Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
  • Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
  • Goal: find a long term career.
  • Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
  • Goal: hang out with friends.
  • Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.

Songs of the post:

Tired of being alone by Al Green
Living in America by James Brown
No scrubs by TLC

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

December Goal: Post 31 days in a row!

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From Mt Rainier wonderland trail.

It’s time to set more goals. The first I set in a long time was to go on 1 date by the end of the year in this post: https://theunknownreillyblog.wordpress.com/2020/11/14/goal-go-on-1-date-before-2021/ .

This year, I have focused on self improvement. It’s been my major goal for a long time to be mentally healthy, and I finally was able to break through this year thanks to having a therapist. Thanks to having professional support and guidance. Thanks to the right mix of medications. I’m not perfect, and I have things to work on, and that is okay! Finally my hard work and persistence is paying turning into massive positive change. Finally I’m turning into the person I’ve always dreamed I could be.

Though 2020 has been really hard, I’m healing. I am recovering from my mental illnesses. Those that I can’t escape are managed. Lately I don’t even recognize this person that I’ve become. For a long time, I never thought that I would be enough as I am. That I would like to be around people. I didn’t think that I would like to talk to new people. That I would have so many cool people in my life I can call friends. I’m not alone, and I am comfortable being single, by myself. It would be awesome to have a girlfriend to share my life with. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am an awesome person by myself. I can be my own friend and help myself. I am a recovering depressed person. I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I am a recovering hermit. I am a recovering Nice guy. I am enough. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything and everyone else. I am responsible for myself and my life. I was watching Avengers: Endgame for the second time, and this quote really resonated:

“I Used To Have Nothing. And Then I Got This – This Job, This Family – And I Was Better Because Of It. Even Though They’re Gone, I’m Still Trying To Be Better.” -Black Widow, Avengers Endgame.

Source

Though this quote is about loss, I feel it really describes what the world currently feels like. Only interacting with friends, family, and people online isn’t the same. We are connected, but not. I really miss pre pandemic life. I took it for granted. Even before this, I was touch starved. Thankfully I’ve had kitties fill this void.

Thank goodness for my dear kitten Coconut.

It’s not like I wasn’t like I wasn’t hugged or had caring touch from family. I simply crave affection. The need for touch, intimacy, tenderness, and affection is a human need. Missing out on romance sucks too. It’s tough for me to admit this.

More on touch starvation:

“The COVID-19 pandemic has meant increased isolation for a lot of people. Even with lockdowns no longer as stringent as they were in March, many people are still working from home, minimizing their social outings, and avoiding intimate contact with people they don’t live with. The truth is, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing outside of your pod will probably feel risky until there’s a coronavirus vaccine. And for people who are super strict about avoiding that risk, that lack of contact can have a serious psychological impact, causing something called touch starvation.

Psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that contact with peoples’s bodies, whether it’s the hug of a friend or interactions with hairdressers, massage therapists, ornail techs, can be a key part of our self-care — and when we’re deprived of it, we experience higher levels of stress. “This has had devastating impacts on the mental health of most of the population,” she says, pointing to the fact that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) have found higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts across the U.S. since the pandemic began. “Even one long genuine platonic hug from someone we trust may be enough to help our mental and physical health.”

Source

https://www.bustle.com/wellness/touch-starvation-symptoms-ways-to-cope-experts

That said, I am working on my need for romantic connection as demonstrated by working on myself, and joining the limited online dating scene.

Current Goals:

  • Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
  • Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
  • Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
  • Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
  • Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
  • Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
  • Goal: find a long term career.
  • Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
  • Goal: hang out with friends.
  • Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.

Songs of the post:

Make yourself by Incubus.
Like a Rolling Stone, Live at Winterland, covered by Jimi Hendrix

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates! 

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.