Last weekend, I got the news nobody wants to hear… A coworker came into work positively and spread it. They didn’t know they had it. I was feeling off on the 15th but was well enough to go about my weekend. Monday, I woke up and felt like shit. As I’d done the entire pandemic, I stayed home because I was sick.
Tuesday morning I still felt like shit and took the at-home test shown above. Results: positive. Fuck.
So, I’ve been home this week. Fever, chills, muscle weakness and pain, runny nose, head fog, dizziness, fatigue, occasional confusion, coughing, and trouble breathing sometimes.
It sucks. Thank science for the vaccine.
This after the previous week, I was promoted to department lead. That week, we did well, and I was blown away by all the positive feedback… But that’s another post. (On the way, been on hold)
I’m waiting on the PCR test results I took yesterday. Driving to get that and treating myself to Taco Time wiped me out.
Thankfully, work immediately took action, and the owner immediately bought take-home tests for everyone, and they tested everyone. Also, they finally increased our safety requirements which have been a bit lax so far. It seems more tested positive recently, so I hope it’s not too bad. We require everyone to be fully vaccinated and have for months. This incident goes to show just how dangerous the coronavirus is.
I’m only not boosted because my previous two appointments were canceled due to illness. (My doctor, then me.) I couldn’t get a booster appointment because it’s been so in demand in Seattle. Welp, I’ll be getting it eight weeks after I recover. (8 weeks after because that is the best time for your immune system to recover.)
Coco relaxing in her “office”. She stores important toys here.
Happy birthday Coco-nut!
The past week has been difficult… Finally some wonderful news! My kitty– a blue point Siamese– turns 1 years old today!
It’s been a wonderful 10 months with her. She’s grown so much since I adopted her last August as a baby.
Day one in on the car ride home with her.
Recent highlights of Coco.
Ocoat the window by the door for me to get home.
She explores every possible surface in the house she can fit into.
She yowls whenever one of us is outside, moving from window to window to follow.
She liked to knock things off of desks and tables to play with it. Rocks, pens, nail clippers, twist ties, pennies, a bag of shredded coconut… If she could drag it down and play with it, she did so.
She likes to hang out with people. Coco likes to be close by my mother or me whenever we’re home. The first time it was safe to visit after being vaccinated, Coco was social with other humans.
Coconut is fascinated with our older cat Lucy. They have (what I imagine) a sisters relationship. Coco bugs Lucy, then backs off like nothing happened.
She loves to stand in open windows to look outside.
In the hardest year of my life, 2020, she was the breath of fresh air desperately needed. She accepts the world as is, and is fascinated by it.
Coco kept me grounded, kept me mindful, kept me sane, made me appreciate every day again.
Coco was a constant companion in every zoom therapy group, and therapy appointment. I showed her to the regular “social connections” group like a day after I adopted her. She grew up on camera as I grew as a person working on myself in 2020. I made sure to bring her in on camera for my last time in that group… Which was right before I was hired at my last job.
My previous therapist knew her, and would ask about her every appointment if Coco wasn’t around.
The most affectionate cat, or animal I’ve ever had. Has giant purrs every time you go visit her. We have this routine where she climbs up me while I’m on my PC, and presses into me for lovies, then settles into my left arm as I hold her curled up. Coco then nuzzles on my neck while kneading. (Like a baby kitten nursing it’s mother) Often into my beard… At times her claws get stuck in my skin, and I have to carefully remove it. (This can be really painful)
Her new thing is to beg to go outside. I recently bought her a leash to do so. I gave in after months of her begging to go out. I planned for her to be an inside cat, as I plan to move out, and can’t guarantee my next place will be safe for her to be out. I’m worried someone might steal her because cocos so friendly. She’s in heaven so far.
I love my kitty. Happy birthday Coco-nut! I love you Coco. ❤️ I’m so happy to adopt you into my family. Happy first birthday, hears to many more!
I hit my goal of working for at least a year at one workplace. Despite all the friends I made there, it was time for a change. At the end of the month, the company closed and everyone was laid off. I’m glad I worked there, and grateful for all the friends made there.
About 5# of cannabis sugar leaf to be ground into a fine ground product for joints.What it looks like to receive weed at a legal weed company.The last one was a joke meme I posted at work. Everyone got sick at work in January. Thankfully it wasn’t covid…
February: Where one door Slams shut, others open.
Old friendships end in an awful way. I never did end up apologizing to that person. I wish I said “I’m Sorry, I can’t do this anymore. I won’t enter your house again, or bother you again.” It’s best we went our own ways. “Sometimes it’s best to leave a relationship broken, than picking up the pieces and hurt yourself. I had to face reality and move on.”
I wasn’t alone anymore because the truth set me free. There was no way for me to continue on like none of this happened. That end marked new chapters with new friends.
March: the Pandemic Saga begins
I was pretty useless in March this past year. I was heartbroken from the rejection-breakup. I had to reevaluate my entire life and life choices because of that loss. I was grieving the death of my 18 year old kitty from December 2019, I was grieving being laid off from a job I liked. It was extremely stressful at home as Mom and I adjusted to being around each other all day at home. I had a nervous breakdown on day two of a new job at the end of February and had to quit that job. I felt suicidal… This time I asked for help from Mom and I went to the hospital. Because of this difficult experience, the psychiatrist there pointed me to the right help. At home, I lived on the couch in comfortable pajamas, wrapped in a blanket. I split my time on the phone, or watching relationship and psychology videos on YouTube. I started seeing my current therapist in March, and started doing groups over zoom too. As of the date of this post, 12/31/20, I haven’t met my therapist in person yet. It’s been a weird year for therapy. Oh and I started this blog on 03/27/20!
April: Bargaining & Depression
Looking back in my journal, I was torturing myself with excessive blame and trying to right my sense of sanity. Worse yet I had to deal with all this grief in a pandemic world away from family and friends. Weekday zoom therapy groups became my social life.
May… More of the same
It was still early into my recovery phase. But this month produced two of my personal favorite blog posts this year:
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
It’s Christmas, but it doesn’t feel like it. I just couldn’t get into the spirit this year.
Life is going well, but I’m exhausted from 2020.
I’m fortunate that I had savings to get presents this year, despite being unemployed.
It’s a slim year for presents.
Even though I got everything my family asked for, today feels like an ordinary Friday.
I’m fortunate to visit with my family today.
I feel like I haven’t given my best for this Christmas.
I’ve already gotten everything I wished for this year. Friends, reconnected with family, therapy I’ve needed for years, being able to love a kitty again, being able to love again, to move forward in life, and a girlfriend!
I’m at the point in this long distance relationship where I’m wondering if my girlfriend is a catfish. We haven’t met in person yet because of coronavirus. The good news is that we have plans to meet.
Trust but verify.
I’m staying hopeful, but careful.
Damnit don’t be a catfish. No catfish will fool me. Never give a creative person inspiration. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d be this mature about this potential difficult situation a year ago.
Trust but verify. Take no shit, do no harm. Trust yourself, trust patterns. I’m prepared for any result.
Guess I’ll know when her present to me is delivered.
Take no shit, do no harm.
Also known as: “2020 in a nutshell.”
Shopping this year felt like I was the covid Grinch. Behind my masked face was a scowl at every person not masked, or not distanced. Each time out my heart shrunk in size.
;
I felt like George Bailey in my own wonderful life. I had to be my own angel on the bridge this year. I chose to continue on, and try one more time to get help. My breakdown and suicide attempt led to rebirth. I chose to say: Fuck you depression, no more!
What a wonderful world…
I’m so grateful for my sweet kitty.
This is the best I can do today. Happy holidays to all. Be safe!
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A few minutes ago, my coworker called me. He got news from the company we rent the commercial canning machine from that one of the employees tested positive for Covid-19. The risk for exposure is likely low, as everyone wore masks and because of how the machine is set up, we are always 6 feet or more away. When we do canning, the spot for the machine is well ventilated. On top of this, I have been really on top of washing my hands.
Tomorrow I’m going in for a test. It will be the second time I have tested this year. The first being a couple months ago just to be safe, and to further science. This time is for the real thing. The nurse at my doctors office said it takes about 5 days to get results after.
I haven’t had any symptoms yet, but since I last worked on Friday, I might not be showing symptoms yet. Here is the current information from the CDC:
Watch for symptoms
People with COVID-19 have had a wide range of symptoms reported – ranging from mild symptoms to severe illness. Symptoms may appear 2-14 days after exposureto the virus. People with these symptoms may have COVID-19:
Fever or chills
Cough
Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing
Fatigue
Muscle or body aches
Headache
New loss of taste or smell
Sore throat
Congestion or runny nose
Nausea or vomiting
Diarrhea
This list does not include all possible symptoms. CDC will continue to update this list as we learn more about COVID-19.
When to seek emergency medical attention
Look for emergency warning signs* for COVID-19. If someone is showing any of these signs, seek emergency medical careimmediately:
Trouble breathing
Persistent pain or pressure in the chest
New confusion
Inability to wake or stay awake
Bluish lips or face
*This list is not all possible symptoms. Please call your medical provider for any other symptoms that are severe or concerning to you.
Call 911 or call ahead to your local emergency facility: Notify the operator that you are seeking care for someone who has or may have COVID-19.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A batch of candy cane cookies I made in 2016. These are so delicious, yet I can’t have this recipe of this cookie because it requires butter. And are high in carbs, sugar, and calories. I need to find a low carb, sugar free, and dairy free recipe of these cookies. …I need to work on mastering low carb sweets. I’m looking forward to this project!This is our family recipe my mom got from cooks.com years ago. Delicious gluten, carbs, sugar, and dairy. Sugar is a hell of a drug, lol.
Pandemic Xmas, 2020:
I’m dreaming of a regular Christmas this year.
A regular Xmas with no threat of a virus. When I don’t have to worry about Covid-19, just because I want to visit with people. I’m frustrated because I’ve been following the rules since March. It’s nice to to know im not alone in feeling this way. One day the pandemic will be over. Don’t forget to be mindful and appreciate what is going well in your life.
It’s hit me that Xmas is coming up. And I really love Christmas. I like to show my appreciation for people in presents. Giving and quality time are how I express affection. I’m not sure how I like to receive affection yet. Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages is on my audible wishlist to read.
This is normally the time when I get my Christmas shopping done. This year isn’t my first lean Xmas either. So that means being a clever shopper and getting my Mom and Brother what they want on a budget! While all of us are on lean budgets for presents, that doesn’t mean we can’t get exactly what each of us wants.
I wonder what I want for xmas… That I couldn’t buy later for myself, that others can give me. Sometimes asking for presents feels weird because I don’t need much, and usually buy what I need. Patron Liberal Saint, Senator Bernie Sanders, please forgive me. Avoiding products that support the 1% is hard, and I’m only human.
I miss the joy of waking up on christmas day as a child. Only wanting a few things, and still feel utter joy from the presents I did receive. Like you had won the lottery because I got the newest Optiumus Prime or Power Rangers Zord toy as a present. Xmas as an adult is quite different from the experience of it as a child. It felt like you could ask for the world… I want to rediscover that feeling of wonder from childhood.
A dream Xmas present list
World peace.
Equality.
Nobody would be rich or poor.
Happiness for everyone.
A world free of suffering, free of disease, and starvation.
Universal understanding. Is this enlightenment?
A cure for coronavirus.
A a satisfying life where I meet my needs and give back to the world.
Sometimes text communication is hard.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard Star Trek: The Next Generation Imdb source
At times, I find the above quote helpful, said by Captain Picard from Star Trek: TNG.
“Geek wisdom: Life isn’t fair all the time. Sometimes you will given lucky breaks and sometimes unlucky ones. There are also going to be times when, even if you think you’ve thought of every possible bad thing that could happen and prepare contingencies for them, things may still not swing your way. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try things anymore. The important thing is that you try.” Source
Sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s okay. Keep on trying. I’m grateful that I learned this lesson this year. Life goes on. (Man therapy, and self care are awesome!)
I was going through the situation described in the link below this weekend with this new relation I’ve had entirely over text on Whatsapp with a new person:
While the target audience for this article is for women, this part spoke to me as an anxious man:
“In a new relationship, texting can be both exciting and filled with anxiety. Before you over analyze his texts, read this to find out how to text in style.“
“On the opposite end of the digital spectrum, the absence of a daily text or a change in routine can send many in new relationships and the lovelorn into an unnecessary panic attack. Let’s face it. Women often tend to over-analyze the word count and sentence structure of every text they receive from men.”
Turns out, what I thought was a red flag was easily fixed by communicating, and the situation is good. Guess this success at communication shows my growth in relationship skills this year. It wasn’t a disaster, it was my anxiety! And I handled both skillfully! Yay!
I’m grateful for this budding relationship, that’s life!
Making or visiting friends in the Pandemic! 😷😅
Understanding the pandemic through South Park episodes.
Lately life feels like the episode “Gluten free Ebola” from South Park season 18. And I feel like the lead characters Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. In the episode, they return to school after trying to get 10 million dollars from a startup. They failed, and try to make up their arrogant failure by doing something good to make up for it. The Gluten-Ebola outbreak in the episode is solved by turning the established thinking upside down and taking a new approach to a problem the world faces. They learn and adapt to the new reality.
Song of the post is not Christmas music. That is reserved only for December 25, not the entirety of November and December this posts song is: Imagine By John Lennon.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
To be honest, I have no plan for achieving this writing goal of 1 post a day for the month of December. I’ve been thinking about goals, and decided to just go for it and do it. Last month I wanted to do Nanowrimo, but I didn’t do it because I was distracted by the arduous 2020 election here in the US.
I’ve been a Biden Supporter, so it was fantastic to see him win. I’ve been horrified this year as Trump made the corona virus pandemic into a political issue rather than a human issue. Then Trump challenging all the swing states in court drew the election out further. I don’t have a problem with him wanting recounts to verify results. Acting like a buffoon wasn’t necessary. 50 days to go until he is out of office for good. After that, it will be another few months until the new politicians in DC come up with an plan to tackle Covid-19. So, I’m preparing myself for another 6-8 months of lock down life. I hate lock down life. And I feel like an idiot because I’ve been wearing a mask, avoiding people and groups by distancing, and staying at home since March… All while half this country doesn’t because they don’t care about other people. Because of that this disaster will drag on into 2021. It’s not like wearing a mask over your mouth and nose is difficult, or standing 6 feet away from people, or avoiding crowds. The covid pandemic has permanently changed my mind about America. My feeling is that now it will require harsh laws to get people to follow. I really wish Joe Biden would say: “Shut the fuck up, put on a mask, distance from people, and grow up. Nobody gets their way 100% of the time.” It’s bullshit that these people get access to vaccines. It’s rewarding bad behavior. Instead of a stimulus check, these people should be sent a bill to pay for the hospital costs of the dead. I’m tired of being bitter.
Yeah, Yeah, I’m tired of beating the dead horse about this too…
274,743 Americans are currently dead. With more going to die into next year from Covid-19. 9/11 happened when I was a teenager, and during that time, those same people were saying we needed to unify as a country to prevent another 9/11 from happening. That it could happen every day. Well, here we are. In the past 3 days alone, more people have died from covid than during 9/11. 2996 people died then, 3281 people in the past 3 days in the US from covid. Source. Though the war in Afghanistan goes on, it doesn’t have to. Humanity has no idea what the long term effects of Covid-19 exposure are. I forgot where I was going with this, so in summary, I am ashamed to be an American. I’m embarrassed at other American adults right now in the pandemic. No I won’t forget how you acted this year. Not following the safety guidelines is a moral issue. To not follow them, or scoff at this simple request is a demonstration of your poor values. I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper in the following scene from the movie They Live (If you haven’t seen it before, I recommend you watch it today! I don’t want to give away too much, but it is a Sci-fi masterpiece):
Shut the fuck up and put on your mask properly outside. Stand 6 feet from others. I’m done being polite.
Maybe I should start bringing a 6 foot pole around.
This interview of President Obama really hits the nail on how I feel right now. Exhausted. Boy it’s nice to watch a president and feel at ease.
Despite how maddening right now is, I am doing all I can, which is the only thing I can control. I’ve felt like a hermit this year, spending the year working on my problems and myself because I can’t do anything else. While I have spent the other part of the year online, browsing Reddit, watching anime, tv, and movies, I’m tired of it. As a recovering agoraphobic, I didn’t think that I would miss being around people. I certainly didn’t expect that I would be comfortable talking to women or being comfortable to date. I think I’ve struggled the most this year with if I have made progress or grown as a person. Internal validation only goes so far when your struggles are around socializing with people. I think the only reason I’ve stayed somewhat sane this year is by focusing on goals.
Yeah that. The #1 goal this year.
Current goals:
Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
Goal: find a long term career.
Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
Goal: hang out with friends.
Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.
Songs of the post:
Tired of being alone by Al Green
Living in America by James Brown
No scrubs by TLC
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
This year, I have focused on self improvement. It’s been my major goal for a long time to be mentally healthy, and I finally was able to break through this year thanks to having a therapist. Thanks to having professional support and guidance. Thanks to the right mix of medications. I’m not perfect, and I have things to work on, and that is okay! Finally my hard work and persistence is paying turning into massive positive change. Finally I’m turning into the person I’ve always dreamed I could be.
Though 2020 has been really hard, I’m healing. I am recovering from my mental illnesses. Those that I can’t escape are managed. Lately I don’t even recognize this person that I’ve become. For a long time, I never thought that I would be enough as I am. That I would like to be around people. I didn’t think that I would like to talk to new people. That I would have so many cool people in my life I can call friends. I’m not alone, and I am comfortable being single, by myself. It would be awesome to have a girlfriend to share my life with. I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am an awesome person by myself. I can be my own friend and help myself. I am a recovering depressed person. I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I am a recovering hermit. I am a recovering Nice guy. I am enough. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming everything and everyone else. I am responsible for myself and my life. I was watching Avengers: Endgame for the second time, and this quote really resonated:
“I Used To Have Nothing. And Then I Got This – This Job, This Family – And I Was Better Because Of It. Even Though They’re Gone, I’m Still Trying To Be Better.” -Black Widow, Avengers Endgame.
Though this quote is about loss, I feel it really describes what the world currently feels like. Only interacting with friends, family, and people online isn’t the same. We are connected, but not. I really miss pre pandemic life. I took it for granted. Even before this, I was touch starved. Thankfully I’ve had kitties fill this void.
Thank goodness for my dear kitten Coconut.
It’s not like I wasn’t like I wasn’t hugged or had caring touch from family. I simply crave affection. The need for touch, intimacy, tenderness, and affection is a human need. Missing out on romance sucks too. It’s tough for me to admit this.
More on touch starvation:
“The COVID-19 pandemic has meant increased isolation for a lot of people. Even with lockdowns no longer as stringent as they were in March, many people are still working from home, minimizing their social outings, and avoiding intimate contact with people they don’t live with. The truth is, hand-holding, hugging, or kissing outside of your pod will probably feel risky until there’s a coronavirus vaccine. And for people who are super strict about avoiding that risk, that lack of contact can have a serious psychological impact, causing something called touch starvation.
Psychotherapist Alisa Ruby Bash, Psy.D., L.M.F.T., tells Bustle that contact with peoples’s bodies, whether it’s the hug of a friend or interactions with hairdressers, massage therapists, ornail techs, can be a key part of our self-care — and when we’re deprived of it, we experience higher levels of stress. “This has had devastating impacts on the mental health of most of the population,” she says, pointing to the fact that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) have found higher rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts across the U.S. since the pandemic began. “Even one long genuine platonic hug from someone we trust may be enough to help our mental and physical health.”
That said, I am working on my need for romantic connection as demonstrated by working on myself, and joining the limited online dating scene.
Current Goals:
Goal: Within 6 months buy a somewhat new car with great MPG.
Goal: Within a year move out from my Mom’s house on my own.
Goal: Within 3 months get a job that pays enough for me to be independent. Might take longer, that’s okay.
Goal: Within 1 month go on one date, in person, distanced, wearing a mask.
Goal: Write 30 posts in 30 days of December 2020. Can be any kind of writing.
Goal: Don’t go on Reddit or Facebook for 30 days in a row. I need a break. Limit my time around time sink websites that don’t help better myself.
Goal: find a long term career.
Goal: Be the change you want in the world, and yourself.
Goal: hang out with friends.
Goal: Get a Girlfriend by becoming someone women want to date.
Songs of the post:
Make yourself by Incubus.
Like a Rolling Stone, Live at Winterland, covered by Jimi Hendrix
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
I am completely wiped out today. This past week was really busy. On an average week, I need at least one day to rest and not do anything strenuous to recover. This past week was really busy. I had a job interview on Monday and was hired on the spot. I started on Tuesday and worked 10 hours. I haven’t worked a shift that long since 2019. I was wiped out, sore all over on Wednesday, but it felt good to be productive!
My new job is for a startup hemp infused soda company called Clēēn Craft:
For now I’m packing cans of soda into boxes and cardboard trays for orders. It’s a tiny company, so I’ll be taking on more as I learn everything about the business. I like the impression and vibe so far.
I apologize for the late post. To be honest, I’ve had trouble writing much the past few weeks. Between my grandpa dying, adjusting to a higher dose of my antidepressant, American politics because of the ineptitude of Trump, the invisible threat of corona virus outside, and working on improving my life… I’ve been exhausted. I need to do something different to refill the creative tank.
Despite the healthy exhaustion, this past week had some positive things happen!
I started a new job! I’ve only worked there a total of 2 days so far, but I really like it!
I got a really nice rejection letter from another infused beverage company that I had a zoom interview with last week.
I believe I was hit on by the attractive clerk at my local pet store, so that’s cool… :0
I am so glad I adopted my new 4 month old kitten, Coconut! She is very affectionate, loves to snuggle, and is a ball of energy that plays all the time. Such a good kitty!
I had a nice visit with My Aunt M, and Uncle D on Saturday. I haven’t visited with either in person in like a year! It really is so great to have the option now to do distance visits in person, even with masks on. The pandemic has made me really appreciate all the wonderful people in my life.
Also yesterday, I went to visit my brother N and my buddy N for my buddies kid’s 2nd birthday. From my aunt’s house it was a 90 minute drive, but I didn’t mind doing it. It was nice to drive alone for a long time. I listened to a couple parts of audiobooks, and had a wonderful visit. I got to meet my brother’s new puppy for the first time, and it was nice to visit with my Buddy and his family for the outside social visit… Distancing, and wearing masks. In person beats online every time.
On the ferry ride there, a pod of Orcas swam by. They were a good mile ahead of us, but that was a first time seeing them that close in the wild before!
It was nice to be around people again.
Writing this post has been an absolute grind. It’s been a one word at a time thing. Recovery days look like wearing pajamas, resting in bed or a comfy chair, and not doing anything.
Sorry this isn’t the best post. It’s a day late, and I feel a bit sloppy being a first draft… But there is no need to beat myself up like I have in the past. So, I think I’ll take an editing pass, and work on this some more tomorrow. I need to figure out some long term goals and direction for future blog posts. My life is changing for the better, this is the best I can do today. One day at a time…
Song of the week:
Running on Empty by Jackson Browne
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. I share updates and news if posts are late there. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!
It’s been 6 months since I started this blog in March! The anniversary was last Sunday, but my dear Grandfather passed last week. It felt wrong not to honor him in a post. It’s still hard to believe that he’s gone…
Grief is a difficult thing to deal with, and it comes in waves. I’m sad. I’m grateful and happy to have known such a wonderful human. That I had an example of what a good man, a great human. I strive to be as good a man as he was. The hardest part about this loss is that its dangerous to visit family due to the threat of covid-19. Visiting online through Facebook and zoom helps… But it’s not the same. I really wish I could visit family, and give hugs. 2020 has been a long year.
It’s important to celebrate the little things… To acknowledge the steps forward I’ve worked hard for. Despite this unusual year, there have been good things that have happened. More after the pictures.
I feel like I have grown alongside this blog. This next section is about life this past month, and goals for the future. Healthy self esteem is giving credit to your growth.
Personal growth this year:
Restarted therapy despite years of struggling to find the help I’ve wanted, and finally got it! I’m growing every day.
Finally found an antidepressant that works!
Made a bunch of new friends from coworkers from my last job. I haven’t been able to visit much in person with them this year. I want to in the future. All of us were laid off when the company closed on Jan 31st out of the blue.
Reconnected with family.
Learned about self love, and self care. How to take care of myself. How to assert myself, continue practising communicating my needs. Continue practicing boundaries.
Started a meditation practice.
Started exercising on a regular basis again.
Started a blog.
Practicing gratitude and appreciation for the good things in life.
Restarted therapy, and being fully committed and engaged in the process.
Practicing Forgiving myself when I feel depressed or anxious.
Continued practicing being assertive and speaking up for myself.
Committing to being the best possible version of myself.
Fighting with depression when it lies to me.
Being independent for myself.
Learning mindfulness and practicing it.
Learning to listen to others, and not interrupt when they are talking.
Sorting through old unhealthy thoughts and patterns and deciding whether they serve me now, and the future.
Saying thank you.
Learning how to apologize.
Hanging out with friends before the pandemic happened.
Respecting other peoples needs and boundaries.
Admitting when I have made a mistake.
Being accountable for myself.
Quit drinking for good! I don’t miss consuming it. 7 months since I stopped!
Reduced my cannabis consumption from 4 bowls/2 dabs to one bowl maybe once or twice a week!
Started reading books again.
Being comfortable expressing my feelings.
Rebuilding validation from within instead of from others.
How it the blog started!
Goals for the next 6 months:
Note: all of these things will depend on how the Covid-19 pandemic lasts.
Get a car. Hopefully something from the past 10 years. The last two cars I’ve owned/shared have been over 15 years old and were constantly in the auto shop for repairs. The cars were a 2000 Volvo s40, and a 2005 Dodge avenger. I spent several times more than what I paid for them in repair costs, and both had awful MPG. I have some savings, so once I get a job I can buy a car. I’ll do what I have to, to get to work… Be it Uber or public transportation for a little while more.
Get a job. I had an interview this week, so that is a good sign!
Move out. I’ve lived in the same house my entire life, and I’ve wanted to move out for years. I haven’t been able to until now because my mental health. I finally have it managed after 12 long years.
Keep blogging. I don’t know my long term goal for the blog. For now I want to keep growing and have each post get more traffic and comments than the last. Right now, I love talking to other bloggers in the comments, and reading their blogs.
Keep writing.
I want to go back to college and pursue a new career and degree.
I do not want to continue working minimum wage jobs the rest of my life. What worked for the past doesn’t line up with my future.
Hang out with friends, and make new friends. Hang out in person.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I am over my friends-breakup from earlier this year! I am ready to date again! I learned so much from this failure that I am a better person today.
I want to date, and have a girlfriend.
I want to visit with family.
I want to love, and be loved.
I want a healthy relationship where I can be support my partner and take care of myself. To have healthy boundaries and clear communication.
Continue working through my issues in therapy.
Once the pandemic is over, parties for friends and family.
I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything. But I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do, interfere with what I can do.” -Edward Everett Hale.
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