I’m sorry for not following through on the 10 recipe posts that I promised. I thought I could do this. (I need to start over and plan this out. On a schedule I can reasonably work on) I have professional experience and training doing so. I’m ashamed that once again, I failed. I need help with this mean perfectionist inner voice. I need to get a new therapist… It’s been too long and it’s time.
I didn’t plan this gap of 2+ months without a post. I had two emotional events happen shortly after the previous post. It’s almost 10pm, and I’m writing this on the fly. I feel that I have to post something. I owe it to you.
I obsess over my mistakes and my faults. I haven’t forgiven myself for anything I’ve done wrong. I feel I deserve to suffer and be punished. If I don’t get from others, I punish myself. (Lately I’ve started to talk back to these thoughts saying “Blame yourself once and move on”, a great quote from The Simpsons)I don’t like this part of myself. Or the shadow part of me.
I’m alive, doing great at work, and okay overall. I have zero reason to be afraid of failing there. I work hard, my bosses trust me by giving me special tasks, and they see management potential in me in the future. I even got a small raise, and a bonus for the first time ever.
I should be ecstatic, but I’m worried about the other shoe dropping.
I’m so fucking tired of the pandemic. At least 1 more year of this in the US, and longer for many other countries. Someone I work with tested positive, so I’m worried about that. Everyone wears masks, being vaccinated is required at work, so the odds are low. I’ve had some minor symptoms, but I’m not sure if this is due to covid, my sinuses, or regular work fatigue.
I haven’t had a covid booster shot yet, it’s been about 2 months since the second shot wore off, and I have to wait to get tested again since it’s a holiday weekend. Maybe there’s openings tomorrow.
I’m also exhausted with the state of US politics and the news. It feels like the end of the world… I know this is bad for my mental health, but I feel I can’t stop.
… I need help with my personal life. Not sure where or how to start. I just kinda exist.
Lately I’ve been feeling: Why do anything? Christmas was okay, and ended early with a fight between my mom and brother. Basically the same problem both have had my entire life… The need to be right. Made worse by unskillful communication and insecurity. On the positive side, I was able to step back and observe, and be the neutral party. What the argument was about isn’t the issue. The problem like it’s been for years, is how things were said, not giving time for others to speak, and ineffective communication behaviors. It’s a continual learning process. I too have been guilty of these things.
Examples of ineffective communication behaviors are: sarcasm, guilt tripping, name calling, using fallacies, dominating conversation, or changing the subject when questioned. This is just a sample of ways that communication breaks down.
In previous conflicts I might have tried to clarify a point, or step in, but this time I didn’t. I helped my brother gather his presents and leave because it wasn’t worth getting involved. It wasn’t worth sacrificing my own peace of mind. It wasn’t worth trying to resolve the fight because I don’t have the skills to do so. Not worth it because both are stubborn. I’ve tried being middleman before, and been burned. You can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. My mom was really upset. I’ve been in her shoes before in this situation.
One good thing is that my mom accepted my feedback on how to improve this type of situation in the future. I suggested she by read Non violent communication by Marshall B Rosenberg, PHD. I was suggested this helpful book by my therapist earlier this year.
What is nonviolent communication? (Or NVC)
“NVC is based on the assumption that all human beings have capacity for compassion and empathy and that people only resort to violence or behavior harmful to others when they do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs.
NVC theory supposes that all human behavior stems from attempts to meet universal human needs, and that these needs are never in conflict; rather, conflict arises when strategies for meeting needs clash. NVC proposes that people should identify shared needs, which are revealed by the thoughts and feelings surrounding these needs, and then they should collaborate to develop strategies and make requests of each other to meet each other’s needs. The goal is interpersonal harmony and learning for future cooperation.“
The great thing about non violent communication is that only one person has to use it to be effective. It’s another tool to have in your own therapy toolbox.
At it’s simplest, What’s alive in you right now? What are you feeling?
I find the first question really helpful for writing.
Maybe its all great leftovers from Christmas dinner, but today I’ve felt like being a couch potato.
In other news, I spoke to my girlfriend on the phone last night for the first time! That was lovely!
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Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
It’s Christmas, but it doesn’t feel like it. I just couldn’t get into the spirit this year.
Life is going well, but I’m exhausted from 2020.
I’m fortunate that I had savings to get presents this year, despite being unemployed.
It’s a slim year for presents.
Even though I got everything my family asked for, today feels like an ordinary Friday.
I’m fortunate to visit with my family today.
I feel like I haven’t given my best for this Christmas.
I’ve already gotten everything I wished for this year. Friends, reconnected with family, therapy I’ve needed for years, being able to love a kitty again, being able to love again, to move forward in life, and a girlfriend!
I’m at the point in this long distance relationship where I’m wondering if my girlfriend is a catfish. We haven’t met in person yet because of coronavirus. The good news is that we have plans to meet.
Trust but verify.
I’m staying hopeful, but careful.
Damnit don’t be a catfish. No catfish will fool me. Never give a creative person inspiration. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d be this mature about this potential difficult situation a year ago.
Trust but verify. Take no shit, do no harm. Trust yourself, trust patterns. I’m prepared for any result.
Guess I’ll know when her present to me is delivered.
Take no shit, do no harm.
Also known as: “2020 in a nutshell.”
Shopping this year felt like I was the covid Grinch. Behind my masked face was a scowl at every person not masked, or not distanced. Each time out my heart shrunk in size.
;
I felt like George Bailey in my own wonderful life. I had to be my own angel on the bridge this year. I chose to continue on, and try one more time to get help. My breakdown and suicide attempt led to rebirth. I chose to say: Fuck you depression, no more!
What a wonderful world…
I’m so grateful for my sweet kitty.
This is the best I can do today. Happy holidays to all. Be safe!
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
I think… I have a girlfriend. 😳 The mysterious woman I met on Tinder that I’ve blogged about recently. We have communicated thus far over WhatsApp, but haven’t met in person yet because of the pandemic, and this new relationship. I’m euphoric that this is happening, and incredibly anxious because I’m worried she might reject me. I haven’t had a girlfriend before and now that’s so close I’m worried. It feels too good to be true… My dream of finding some I love, that loves me too is coming true. That also wants to meet in person. All of my suffering and hard work to become healthy has meaning. Because I earned meaning by being persistent. In my romantic life, 2020 has felt like a classic Romantic Christmas movie…. A Cinderella Christmas story for me? 2020 has also taught me to be patient, and be bold too. Please let this be real!
It’s been such a long time since I could jam to this music. Omg it’s really happening!
Covid test result: negative!
I got fantastic news today, I had a negative test result, so I don’t have Coronavirus! This is also true for everyone at work! I’m grateful for this! This means that I can meet my new beau in person soon. I’m so excited!
My love life is in bloom.This is the first selfie I’ve felt confident about my looks in a long time.
The end of the Tinder saga?
Today I got rid of all the dating apps I had on my phone. It was nice to get so many matches on Bumble, and even 1 on Hinge, but I’m a one woman man. Omg I can’t wait to see what life has next for me and my new lady. What an amazing turn of events!
Have love and a girlfriend is a thing I’ve secretly wish for as a Xmas present for years. And it’s here? Woah.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A batch of candy cane cookies I made in 2016. These are so delicious, yet I can’t have this recipe of this cookie because it requires butter. And are high in carbs, sugar, and calories. I need to find a low carb, sugar free, and dairy free recipe of these cookies. …I need to work on mastering low carb sweets. I’m looking forward to this project!This is our family recipe my mom got from cooks.com years ago. Delicious gluten, carbs, sugar, and dairy. Sugar is a hell of a drug, lol.
Pandemic Xmas, 2020:
I’m dreaming of a regular Christmas this year.
A regular Xmas with no threat of a virus. When I don’t have to worry about Covid-19, just because I want to visit with people. I’m frustrated because I’ve been following the rules since March. It’s nice to to know im not alone in feeling this way. One day the pandemic will be over. Don’t forget to be mindful and appreciate what is going well in your life.
It’s hit me that Xmas is coming up. And I really love Christmas. I like to show my appreciation for people in presents. Giving and quality time are how I express affection. I’m not sure how I like to receive affection yet. Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages is on my audible wishlist to read.
This is normally the time when I get my Christmas shopping done. This year isn’t my first lean Xmas either. So that means being a clever shopper and getting my Mom and Brother what they want on a budget! While all of us are on lean budgets for presents, that doesn’t mean we can’t get exactly what each of us wants.
I wonder what I want for xmas… That I couldn’t buy later for myself, that others can give me. Sometimes asking for presents feels weird because I don’t need much, and usually buy what I need. Patron Liberal Saint, Senator Bernie Sanders, please forgive me. Avoiding products that support the 1% is hard, and I’m only human.
I miss the joy of waking up on christmas day as a child. Only wanting a few things, and still feel utter joy from the presents I did receive. Like you had won the lottery because I got the newest Optiumus Prime or Power Rangers Zord toy as a present. Xmas as an adult is quite different from the experience of it as a child. It felt like you could ask for the world… I want to rediscover that feeling of wonder from childhood.
A dream Xmas present list
World peace.
Equality.
Nobody would be rich or poor.
Happiness for everyone.
A world free of suffering, free of disease, and starvation.
Universal understanding. Is this enlightenment?
A cure for coronavirus.
A a satisfying life where I meet my needs and give back to the world.
Sometimes text communication is hard.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard Star Trek: The Next Generation Imdb source
At times, I find the above quote helpful, said by Captain Picard from Star Trek: TNG.
“Geek wisdom: Life isn’t fair all the time. Sometimes you will given lucky breaks and sometimes unlucky ones. There are also going to be times when, even if you think you’ve thought of every possible bad thing that could happen and prepare contingencies for them, things may still not swing your way. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try things anymore. The important thing is that you try.” Source
Sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s okay. Keep on trying. I’m grateful that I learned this lesson this year. Life goes on. (Man therapy, and self care are awesome!)
I was going through the situation described in the link below this weekend with this new relation I’ve had entirely over text on Whatsapp with a new person:
While the target audience for this article is for women, this part spoke to me as an anxious man:
“In a new relationship, texting can be both exciting and filled with anxiety. Before you over analyze his texts, read this to find out how to text in style.“
“On the opposite end of the digital spectrum, the absence of a daily text or a change in routine can send many in new relationships and the lovelorn into an unnecessary panic attack. Let’s face it. Women often tend to over-analyze the word count and sentence structure of every text they receive from men.”
Turns out, what I thought was a red flag was easily fixed by communicating, and the situation is good. Guess this success at communication shows my growth in relationship skills this year. It wasn’t a disaster, it was my anxiety! And I handled both skillfully! Yay!
I’m grateful for this budding relationship, that’s life!
Making or visiting friends in the Pandemic! 😷😅
Understanding the pandemic through South Park episodes.
Lately life feels like the episode “Gluten free Ebola” from South Park season 18. And I feel like the lead characters Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. In the episode, they return to school after trying to get 10 million dollars from a startup. They failed, and try to make up their arrogant failure by doing something good to make up for it. The Gluten-Ebola outbreak in the episode is solved by turning the established thinking upside down and taking a new approach to a problem the world faces. They learn and adapt to the new reality.
Song of the post is not Christmas music. That is reserved only for December 25, not the entirety of November and December this posts song is: Imagine By John Lennon.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
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