Life Gone Awry
In the same place, I’ve been all my life. I hate that I’m still here.
Same house, same neighborhood, same inadequacy, same long Covid. (God, am I tired of long COVID)
I am lost, and I don’t know what I’m looking for.
I know that I want to be healthy, body and soul.
These days, I feel I’m healthier in the latter than the former.
Which should be a fantastic thing… But I’m not happy because I’m realizing what a selfish asshole (or toxic) man I’ve been in the past.
I’m so ashamed that I’m 37 and not independent. I’m this old and still don’t have a viable career or job. Yeah, most millennials are living with their parents. Yeah, times are hard with the cost of living.
I’m not doing anything even to try to move from my circumstances. (Well, I could do more)
I get I’m not much of a catch to the ladies. That concept that you have value as the way you are doesn’t feel possible to me. That seems out of touch with our capitalist hellscape.
This is to say that I don’t like myself because I don’t do anything valuable.
But I’m not giving myself a chance at what seems like longshot odds of attracting a lady who’d like me.
I’m pretty sure I blew two chances at a relationship with two different women at work earlier this year. I admit it was a terrifying prospect to date someone at work, considering my history of shitting where I eat. –Ending up covered in my shit because I was an asshole–
Maybe it’s the autism getting in the way or inexperience with women confusing intentions.
I blew it because both times, I was afraid. I blew it because I didn’t believe that hotties like them could be into an average loser like me. Which, sadly, isn’t the first time I’ve doubted a woman being interested in me. Every time I’ve frozen or flown (in the fight/flight/freeze/faun sense). I blew it because I got a crush on a blogger friend and was heartbroken.
I’m better now. At this point, I’m feeling frustrated at my past decisions, which led to that result.
Guess that shows my emotional unavailability and avoidant attachment.
I’m not sure I’ve fully healed from that traumatic break-up-down from three ago.
I’m not sure if I’ve done enough to make up for that: inner work, good deeds, and the like.
I could be wrong again, confusing friendliness with attraction. I was lonely before the pandemic, and it feels 100 times worse now.
I could be wrong again, confusing temporary frustrations and small failures with missing the forest of inner growth for the rotted trees of the old self.
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