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I have a performance review at work coming up.

This week at work, everyone has a performance review meeting with management. It’s been in the works for a couple months, delayed by people catching covid and missing work like I did. Even though I’ve known it’s coming… I’m anxious about it now that it’s judgement day.

Okay maybe not that dramatic.

Had great feedback so far, and so much support and mentoring by my bosses.

I can’t help but feel worried about it. After last week, I have clarity what parts of my work self need improvement. I was brutally, then fairly honest on the self eval I did for myself. I was so brutal to myself that the big boss gave me a call to check up on me.

The same company that gave me a raise in last year’s evaluation. Said I had (now am) management potential? I’m not going to sit on my current success, or not keep improving. I’m practicing my job daily. I like working here with at this company with all these great people because I discover more about life. Because I’m discovering more about myself.

Work used a standard online survey with question boxes and multiple choice questions.

I learned yesterday that my review is delayed until they get more answers from the employees I’m in charge of, which will evaluate me and my department manager. I really hope we are doing well in their eyes. We work well together and he is a good dude. Much better with people than I am.

The anticipation is maddening. In the few hours since I learned that the employees would rate me too, I’m thinking back to every conversation, every interaction to try to determine if the good outnumbers the bad or potentially bad. Or that strange two face inner self that is half “positive reinforcement, Hope for the best” and half “Oh no, what if (insert catastrophe). The waiting is the hardest part…

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This got me thinking…

When was the last time I checked in with myself to evaluate my life in this format? Looking back I’ve been over 3 months, six months, a year? Or the opposite… Looking forward 3 months, 6 months, a year?

How am I doing in life? It’s been a while since I last felt the desire to ask: What do I want to do? Who do you want to be? Is the way I am living, the choices I’m actually making… In line with that?

I wouldn’t be able to have this privilege without how well the situation is at work.

Why can’t I have the life I want?

Why not me?

What do you want, Reilly?

All important questions to ask and valid. For today, or until I find out how I’m doing in the self evaluation at work, I unable to think about it. Gotta have faith that everything will work out no matter what happens.

A further dive within, and answering these questions is a topic for another time. To be continued…

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