Blue Sparkly Shoes

This story originally posted on Facebook. This is an updated, rewritten version of the post. In early January, I was looking for a new everyday pair of sneakers to use for work. Hard to believe it will be 4 months since it was closed by the corporate owners, and all 30 people lost their jobs at once… 

Like many people I buy most of my stuff online through the Amazon borg. I would prefer to buy shoes at a store, but the past few times I have, the service was awful and the selection limited. For a couple years, I’ve wanted to have blue sneakers that were decent quality and not too expensive. Earlier in 2019, I had a different pair of blue everyday sneakers. Unfortunately, they started to smell like a garbage dumpster, and no amount of cleaning would get rid of the foul odor. I guess that’s what happens when you wear some sneakers without socks during the summer. I made do for months with a pair of red Rockport shoes as seen in this picture:

(Despite this entry being about shoes, I’ve never been someone known for fashion or spending much money on clothes. I lean toward comfort and practicality. Some times you gotta say “Fuck it” and try something out!) 

Usually, Amazon is pretty on point with suggestions and items that fit what you are searching for. I searched: “Men’s sneakers”. I expected sneakers and running shoes. Logical. What was illogical was this pair of shoes….

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Actual product description…

ON THE FIRST RESULTS PAGE for “Blue men’s sneakers”. So, having normal human curiosity for strange shiny things, a propensity for unique experiences… Yeah, I clicked on them. How could I not?

Inside was further comedy gold. Such as: “FASHION LOAFERS – Less dressy than Bal oxfords, Can be worn with jeans assuming they are casually styled”. This makes a massive assumption. Any casual style jeans? Did the author of the description actually interact with this product?! 

More: “COMFORTABLE – Faux Leather upper plus breathable ultralight soft insole let you feel good and lessen joint impacts” Just, no. You have to focus on maintaining your balance like an ice skater to wear these if not on a flat level surface. 

Continued: “A GREAT GIFT – If you know your dad, husband, brother or boyfriend’s shoe size this will be an amazing gift for them on their birthday, Christmas or any other suitable occasion” Oh lord…You do not surprise men with these shoes as a gift they didn’t ask for. Well, if you want to start a fight I suppose. Lol. 

More from the page… SLIP-ON – they are a product of comfort and convenience. Hahahaha. I supposed wearing these is like wearing high heels. These are not comfort shoes. You wear these to stand out. I’m astounded that women put up with wearing heels every day.

My favorite gem: “for everyday wear and easy to pair up with an outfit; Whether going to a barbeque, wedding, business meeting, or shopping; these shoes can get the job done in style without causing unnecessary pain” I can’t top that with commentary. According to the ad, clearly the shoes can be unnecessary by using them abusively as described here. May cause unnecessary pain by surprising people with them as a gift, by wearing them without accentuated clothes, by lying about how wearing it feels. If you want even more fun, check out the rabbit hole of related products. It gets stranger and stranger the more you search. You too can easily wear 80s pop musician clothes! …Ugh, I just wrote an awesome ad without meaning to.

Part 2: 2000 steps wearing them.

These aren’t shoes you wear everyday. They aren’t particularly comfortable to wear. My one regret with these shoes is not wearing them at my old job. The timing was bad. I bought the shoes in early January. By the second week, I and everyone else had an awful cold. At one point only a handful of people were at work, while everyone else was out sick. I believe it was the typical winter common cold, but maybe it was Covid-19. I probably won’t know until mass testing is available around town. We had a pretty casual uniform requirement for clothes at work. So, you could wear anything that was appropriate to wear at work. Usually this was expressed through dank t-shirts and hoodies. One of my former coworkers started to wear some pink sneakers that any sneaker head would be jealous of. My wardrobe now hasn’t changed much since then, and I’m still figuring out how to express myself through clothes. Before I bought the shoes, I saved the link on my amazon wish list and showed everyone at lunch, much like sharing funny memes at work. I didn’t tell anyone that I bought them. I had them stored in my car in a burlap bag, with the intent on wearing them to make everyone laugh. Unfortunately, work was very stressful for the last 2 weeks of January, and I wasn’t brave enough to go through with my plan to wear these audacious shoes. It’s not something I had done before. By the last week of January, there was a strange vibe in the building and we didn’t know why. On Friday of that week, we learned that the business was closing, that was our last day working there, and Corporate decided on this. So…. I decided to wear the shoes the very next time while visiting friends I made while working there. (Or whenever it would be funny or cool) Here’s what happened.

Shoes with Mom…

I first wore them for a surprise joke two when my Mother and I were watching The Wizard of Oz. The infamous scene with Dorothea murdering the Wicked witch of the East with her house. Dorothea steals the ruby red slippers for herself, and denies it! Teenagers… (Man… The wizard of oz is dark as fuck watching as an adult.) So without saying anything while Mom was enthralled with one of her favorite movies, without her noticing, I put on the shoes and came back to our living room. Took her 10 minutes to notice… Only after I leaned back on the couch and put the shoes on the living room coffee table. 

I  later bought a tie to bring the outfit together. Shoes like these need matching clothing akin to what Prince, or the Pimps from the Players Haters Ball skit from Chappelle Show would have. I decided to wear them and the tie to board game night with friends. You can’t wear the sparkly blue shoes every day. Walking in these feels like you’re doing the moonwalk and you are wary of scuffing the shoes. As I got out of my car to go into her house, I didn’t take into account how difficult it would be walking in these shoes on a hill, then up stairs to my friends house. If these shoes were an armor item in a Role play video game, it would give your character minus15% speed. The shoes were a smash hit! Game night was a blast, and my friend’s sister in law, and mother in law couldn’t stop talking about the shoes. Writing about them doesn’t quite capture experiencing them in person.  As is tradition with sparkly shoes, as I was leaving, I clicked my heels three times and said “There’s no place like home.” LOL.

Shoes with friends

The last time I wore the shoes was when I went to another friend’s house. We’d been meaning to hang out since the layoff, and it happened to be a few days after the rejection-breakup, so I was really looking forward to hanging out. It was really great to hang out, meet his girlfriend, and cats. We chilled, played a bunch of old school video games and his girlfriend made us dinner. His cats were obsessed about the shoes. I guess the sparkly shoes just look like a massive cat toy to them. His cat Parker, an orange long haired tabby kept smelling the toes, and rubbing his face against the shoes. Then again, Parker is a really affectionate cat that wants constant attention. My friend’s other male cat, Gigi, a sleek grey tuxedo cat, watched the shoes as they sparkled in the brighter kitchen lights of the apartment, with a “Woah” expression. My girl cat Lucy hardly paid any attention to the shoes. Normally she likes everything frilly, soft, or bright colors. I had a lovely time, and it was a welcome escape from the lightning bolt shock of heartbreak. This was right before the quarantine lock down. While we’ve kept up messaging, it’s frustrating that I haven’t been able to hang out with all my friends in person. I miss them. I’ve taken my in person time with my friends and family for granted. 

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This won’t be the end of stories about these shoes. They’re way too much fun not to wear every so often. I know there are a few people I want to surprise by showing up wearing them.

Picture of me wearing the shoes. They look like cowboy boots, but aren’t. I know stuff is hard to get in quarantine, but there’s no need to drop a house on me to acquire these baller shoes! Check them out here:(https://amzn.to/35r6srk ) If you buy them, I get a small cut through this affiliate link!

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Song of the week: Blue suede shoes by Elvis.

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© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.