I’m sorry for not following through on the 10 recipe posts that I promised. I thought I could do this. (I need to start over and plan this out. On a schedule I can reasonably work on) I have professional experience and training doing so. I’m ashamed that once again, I failed. I need help with this mean perfectionist inner voice. I need to get a new therapist… It’s been too long and it’s time.
I didn’t plan this gap of 2+ months without a post. I had two emotional events happen shortly after the previous post. It’s almost 10pm, and I’m writing this on the fly. I feel that I have to post something. I owe it to you.
I obsess over my mistakes and my faults. I haven’t forgiven myself for anything I’ve done wrong. I feel I deserve to suffer and be punished. If I don’t get from others, I punish myself. (Lately I’ve started to talk back to these thoughts saying “Blame yourself once and move on”, a great quote from The Simpsons)I don’t like this part of myself. Or the shadow part of me.
I’m alive, doing great at work, and okay overall. I have zero reason to be afraid of failing there. I work hard, my bosses trust me by giving me special tasks, and they see management potential in me in the future. I even got a small raise, and a bonus for the first time ever.
I should be ecstatic, but I’m worried about the other shoe dropping.
I’m so fucking tired of the pandemic. At least 1 more year of this in the US, and longer for many other countries. Someone I work with tested positive, so I’m worried about that. Everyone wears masks, being vaccinated is required at work, so the odds are low. I’ve had some minor symptoms, but I’m not sure if this is due to covid, my sinuses, or regular work fatigue.
I haven’t had a covid booster shot yet, it’s been about 2 months since the second shot wore off, and I have to wait to get tested again since it’s a holiday weekend. Maybe there’s openings tomorrow.
I’m also exhausted with the state of US politics and the news. It feels like the end of the world… I know this is bad for my mental health, but I feel I can’t stop.
… I need help with my personal life. Not sure where or how to start. I just kinda exist.
I’m having a hard time keeping my head straight. One hand I’m choosing to be mindful of these wonderful feelings. To accept all the love and affection I’m feeling.
Oh, love is a wonderful feeling when it’s the right time, the right person, the right self. I fear it’s a drug that will swallow me.
I worried that I’m oversharing this budding relationship on the blog.
Balancing radical honesty and healthy boundaries is tough.
I’m learning. This change has come so fast that I’m blown away at how amazing life can be with romance!
A dream is coming true… Be patient.
Christmas shopping in pandemic.
Yesterday I went Christmas present shopping.
It was time.
Hard to believe that Xmas is a week away.
I listened to Christmas music all yesterday and it felt right. I wasn’t rushed into it in November at stores because of the pandemic. It was time to do my presents shopping.
I usually buy presents throughout the year as spend time with people. I listen to things they say they would like, and I write it down to give them as a present.
I’m in the mood… I’m in the mood for Christmas.
Outside shopping right now is like choosing to be John McCain in Die Hard. To don your mask, and drive to a store to go shopping is to willingly put yourself at risk of contracting Coronavirus. I know because I was exposed at work despite everyone following the guidelines.
I took the risk because I’m tired of staying at home.
I feel like I have to consider the risk of the health risks of loneliness by being safe, or risk getting covid because of my natural human need to see the world, and be around my fellow humans.
I assumed stores wouldn’t be too busy on a Thursday evening.
Despite everyone in the 3 stores wearing masks and distancing, it was also a bit thrilling.
Sometimes the aisles wouldn’t allow 6 feet of space between you and the other person. Even with both of u having masks on, it felt dangerous. I took pre-pandemic life for granted. When all you had to worry about at the store was what you were going to buy as a gift for a loved one… Without the risk of dying yourself.
I have a love-hate relationship with Xmas. I love gift giving, wrapping presents, and being with family. One of my love languages is gift giving. I enjoy getting presents for people that gives them joy. I hate the consumer-capitalist aspect of Xmas. So, I like to be a sly shopper while buying what people want for presents.
This Christmas is lean for me. Problem is, is that I have so many new friends in my life that I want to give a present to. And I want to do something for all my family members who stepped and supported me this year.
Time to get creative.
Another day in the pandemic. Where all we can do is be patient and do the best we can with what we have.
I hope I get a new job by the end of the year.
Not gonna lie, getting presents is awesome. What I want most for Christmas is to be able to spend quality time with my family and friends without fear.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Donât forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
A batch of candy cane cookies I made in 2016. These are so delicious, yet I can’t have this recipe of this cookie because it requires butter. And are high in carbs, sugar, and calories. I need to find a low carb, sugar free, and dairy free recipe of these cookies. …I need to work on mastering low carb sweets. I’m looking forward to this project!This is our family recipe my mom got from cooks.com years ago. Delicious gluten, carbs, sugar, and dairy. Sugar is a hell of a drug, lol.
Pandemic Xmas, 2020:
I’m dreaming of a regular Christmas this year.
A regular Xmas with no threat of a virus. When I don’t have to worry about Covid-19, just because I want to visit with people. I’m frustrated because I’ve been following the rules since March. It’s nice to to know im not alone in feeling this way. One day the pandemic will be over. Don’t forget to be mindful and appreciate what is going well in your life.
It’s hit me that Xmas is coming up. And I really love Christmas. I like to show my appreciation for people in presents. Giving and quality time are how I express affection. I’m not sure how I like to receive affection yet. Gary Chapman’s 5 love languages is on my audible wishlist to read.
This is normally the time when I get my Christmas shopping done. This year isn’t my first lean Xmas either. So that means being a clever shopper and getting my Mom and Brother what they want on a budget! While all of us are on lean budgets for presents, that doesn’t mean we can’t get exactly what each of us wants.
I wonder what I want for xmas… That I couldn’t buy later for myself, that others can give me. Sometimes asking for presents feels weird because I don’t need much, and usually buy what I need. Patron Liberal Saint, Senator Bernie Sanders, please forgive me. Avoiding products that support the 1% is hard, and I’m only human.
I miss the joy of waking up on christmas day as a child. Only wanting a few things, and still feel utter joy from the presents I did receive. Like you had won the lottery because I got the newest Optiumus Prime or Power Rangers Zord toy as a present. Xmas as an adult is quite different from the experience of it as a child. It felt like you could ask for the world… I want to rediscover that feeling of wonder from childhood.
A dream Xmas present list
World peace.
Equality.
Nobody would be rich or poor.
Happiness for everyone.
A world free of suffering, free of disease, and starvation.
Universal understanding. Is this enlightenment?
A cure for coronavirus.
A a satisfying life where I meet my needs and give back to the world.
Sometimes text communication is hard.
âIt is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.â Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard Star Trek: The Next Generation Imdb source
At times, I find the above quote helpful, said by Captain Picard from Star Trek: TNG.
“Geek wisdom: Life isnât fair all the time. Sometimes you will given lucky breaks and sometimes unlucky ones. There are also going to be times when, even if you think youâve thought of every possible bad thing that could happen and prepare contingencies for them, things may still not swing your way. That doesnât mean that you shouldnât try things anymore. The important thing is that you try.” Source
Sometimes things don’t work out, and that’s okay. Keep on trying. I’m grateful that I learned this lesson this year. Life goes on. (Man therapy, and self care are awesome!)
I was going through the situation described in the link below this weekend with this new relation I’ve had entirely over text on Whatsapp with a new person:
While the target audience for this article is for women, this part spoke to me as an anxious man:
“In a new relationship, texting can be both exciting and filled with anxiety. Before you over analyze his texts, read this to find out how to text in style.“
“On the opposite end of the digital spectrum, the absence of a daily text or a change in routine can send many in new relationships and the lovelorn into an unnecessary panic attack. Let’s face it. Women often tend to over-analyze the word count and sentence structure of every text they receive from men.”
Turns out, what I thought was a red flag was easily fixed by communicating, and the situation is good. Guess this success at communication shows my growth in relationship skills this year. It wasn’t a disaster, it was my anxiety! And I handled both skillfully! Yay!
I’m grateful for this budding relationship, that’s life!
Making or visiting friends in the Pandemic! đ·đ
Understanding the pandemic through South Park episodes.
Lately life feels like the episode “Gluten free Ebola” from South Park season 18. And I feel like the lead characters Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. In the episode, they return to school after trying to get 10 million dollars from a startup. They failed, and try to make up their arrogant failure by doing something good to make up for it. The Gluten-Ebola outbreak in the episode is solved by turning the established thinking upside down and taking a new approach to a problem the world faces. They learn and adapt to the new reality.
Song of the post is not Christmas music. That is reserved only for December 25, not the entirety of November and December this posts song is: Imagine By John Lennon.
Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Donât forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!
Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!
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