Tag Archives: change

A Series of Changes

Siamese cat laying on a bench next to a partially opened window. It's bright and sunny May day outside.

I am unemployed and going through an Existential Crisis

Once again, I am going through a transformation period in my life. I feel unknown to myself, and the future feels murky. Some of these choices are my own. Some were not, and I had to decide what to do.

The upside to this is that I can receive unemployment again. Unlike the last time I received it, during the Pandemic Shutdown of 2020 and into early 2021 with the extensions, I have to apply for work every week. I really don’t want to look for work right now. I acknowledge that I can’t live this way forever and have to get work because that is the world’s cruel reality. Like most of my fellow millennials, I feel that I will not ever be able to retire. If I somehow do, it sure looks like the rising sea levels from the ice caps melting from climate change will ruin the future. Unemployment is the only vacation I’ll get. Which, as anyone unemployed for an extended period will tell you, is not a vacation. It’s stressful and not relaxing. I haven’t been able to enjoy any of the time to myself because I have been so stressed about the future. Yes, I will have some money for the future, at the cost of applying to 3 jobs a week that I don’t want. I hate working. This last job was the closest of meeting my needs until it didn’t.

I really would like to have work that meets my needs. I know it’s impossible to not work, so I’d rather do something that is meaningful, pays decently, and doesn’t drain me. I’m tired of numbing myself and avoiding reality because life sucks. Because I’m not living in alignment with my values and not living a life that makes me want to escape reality.

Black text on painted wood: May you have the courage to break the patterns in your life that no longer serve you. From Reddit.

I am very different than I was the last time on unemployment.

The difference? Long Covid. It’s going on for 15 months, and I’m still dealing with this. This is the main reason I quit my previous job. While there were other reasons, all of them I could handle while working or finding similar work in the field. But, my body gave out. Chronic fatigue is a bitch. No matter how much I tried to make it work and how much work tried to accommodate, it didn’t work out. More on why in the posts below:

On the positive side, I have changed in the two years since I was unemployed. I’ve done a bunch of healing and inner work from the books I read while working and from going to therapy. I healed through osmosis at my previous job by going through tough situations and being around good people. I have to give credit for the good too. That workplace became a complex relationship.

Another positive is that I haven’t consumed pot in over three months and only had one cocktail during that time. I made a margarita last week. While delicious, the hangover and depression the following days were awful. I may have to face the reality that I can’t drink again. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt awful after drinking. Now, because of my health conditions, I’m even more sensitive to it. I chose to stop both for health reasons and was told by my doctor that I’d recover. Now that I’ve recovered from Serotonin Syndrome (I think), and been sober, I feel much better despite the lows.

During those lows, I was on the edge of existence but held on and turned to help.

So, I am stressed out and frustrated because I likely can’t work in my previous fields of work. I can’t physically handle working full time anymore, and I don’t want to commit to a job because I plan on going back to school for the Fall college quarter in September.

The plan for the future… For now.

I am not 100% sure that I want to become a therapist by going back to school. While I have had a special interest in psychology, how relationships work, masculinity, and self-help topics to understand myself and heal myself, doing it for work to help others is a different thing.

I do like helping others who are struggling. I do like the idea of contributing to a healing industry. I like that I could be a small part of guiding people and healing societal problems. Maybe contributing to current psychological research.

I dunno. This kinda feels like I’m going through the motions because I have to make money at something. Yeah, while going to school I could change majors if it doesn’t work out, but that is an expensive gamble. At the same time, I do not want to do any more blue-collar work or “boot camps” because those are tied to heavy corporate or business-related careers. Work has been a chore I have to do to survive. Occasionally it has been fun because of coworkers, but not because of the work itself. I liked what I could do alongside the work, such as listening to music, audiobooks, or watching videos.

I could simply be biased by recent feelings and my existential-colored glasses.

Maybe I’m tired of betting on career potential.

Well, doing something is still better than staying the same. 😮‍💨 🤷

On a separate note, it feels like the traffic on the blog is dying. I haven’t made this easier as my post times have become inconsistent. I’ve also questioned lately whether I am still interested in continuing to do this as I don’t want to play the SEO game or do the other little things that are required to make this blog relevant in the eyes of search engines or others. I don’t know why I’m doing this anymore, as it is a lot of work to write this to the quality I prefer, and it is disappointing that this blog isn’t growing. Maybe this is the best I can expect for a personal blog with random topics that don’t consider the audience or me following the rules a blogger needs to do for success. Maybe this is just me externalizing my feelings of feeling lost and pressured to find the next thing that pays the bills. Or my drive to feel like I have accomplished something in life and produced something of note. I don’t like feeling like a failure or a loser in life. But it sure looks like I am one at 37 in my life. The one thing that I have complete control over, I fail.

I guess I could continue with this random post schedule without doing SEO stuff (and it’s not worth it to hire someone for a tiny blog with a limited audience such as this blog) and doing the little advertising I do. A big reason I started blogging is to connect with others. It’s very frustrating to work hard on a post after blogging for three years, and nobody comments or likes it. I know that I can’t force y’all to do it, but I’d really appreciate it. I’m way too isolated as is.

New job, New path.

Picture of an evergreen forest

Monday was the first day of my new life.

I wonder if I’m making the right choices? Work was good yesterday, and I have no complaints. Felt like a typical first day on a job. I think I kept up? I’ll have to ask.

I have to be much more careful now with blogging. The impression I got from the handbook was that this new company is much stricter than my previous place of work. Maybe I’m anxious because I’m new and don’t feel secure because I’m on the first ninety days.

It could be depression from the job separation. Or because it’s been six weeks since I was last on antidepressants. I had to stop drinking, weed, and aspirin, too, since all interacted with Seratonin Syndrome. (Been a couple months now since taking those). All those small amounts built up over time, and my body needed space to recover—not being able to take the minimum dose of aspirin or the like sucks. It helped treat long COVID symptoms.

I am seeing a new therapist/coach; however, help is limited. She’s more of a temporary coach, and I need long-term help with my issues. She has been helpful so far.

Last week I completed the application for college and FAFSA. I know that it’s the right decision, and it will be good for me long term. I also acknowledge that it is the right decision to leave my previous job because of my physical and mental health needs. The goal for now is to become a therapist. Which will require a Masters degree.

All this change is difficult. I’m worried it won’t work out. I feel insecure because I haven’t been here before. I felt 100% certain after high school that I wanted to become a Chef and work in the restaurant industry by first going to college for an associate’s degree. I don’t regret that time in college. It took me several years to realize that wasn’t me anymore. I did delivery work for a few years, then stopped for the same reason.

I feel that way now about weed. Still have to work, and I’m good at this type of work.

I miss my former colleagues.

Change is hard.

Tired of being exhausted, tired of struggling with depression and medication side effects, tired of the pandemic, tired of being tired.

I’m back to one hour, one day at a time, until I’m secure at work; saving time on my commute is nice.

Two weeks notice

Quote on black background: By experiencing both victory and defeat, running away and shedding tears, a man will become a man. It's okay to cry, but you have to move on. Shanks from One Piece.
Source: One Piece by Eiichiro Oda and source

A necessary change of scenery.

In sports lingo, “a change of scenery” refers to players who need a change in their career, to a new team or city, for various reasons.

Sometimes a player has been on one team for many years and, while still performing well themselves, may feel the need for a change due to the team around them. Such as a star on a rebuilding (losing) team who wants to win a championship on a current playoff team. Other times, the player is struggling or not a fit in a new coaching staff’s strategy scheme and would be a better fit on a different team. Or it is the final year of their contract, and their current team doesn’t want to give them an extension.

In my case, it would be like requesting a trade or being released from my contract. Since I’m not a professional athlete, I don’t have a contract and am an hourly worker; I sent my resignation to my bosses. I have my two weeks’ notice. This is the first time in my life that I’ve done this.

It simply felt like the right time for a change.

I saw an opportunity at a different employer and decided to go for it. They felt the same about me and offered me the job. I accepted the offer. It seems to be (without having worked there yet) a better fit for me now.

“A change of scenery” is an idiom that is defined as the following by thefreedictionary.com :

“a change of scenery
A change in one’s usual surroundings, perhaps precipitating a change in one’s life. It is most often used when one is moving to a new place.
I decided to move across the country for college because I really wanted a change of scenery after growing up in this small town.
Heather’s looking for a new job because, after 10 years at that company, she needs a change of scenery.
I can’t wait to go to the beach next week—I really need a change of scenery!”


Sometimes things change in a flash in life.

Things changed fast in March. When you’re feeling shitty and spend much time in solitude, you get to reflect on your life. I physically couldn’t do anything but be in a dark, quiet room and rest. Th re was no way to escape from myself or distractions. I was going through a potentially deadly medical experience, Serotonin Syndrome, and by week three, when my head began to clear up, I thought: “What am I doing with my life? Is this the path I want to continue? Do I want to go another year simply by getting by? Is this life what I want?” The answer was no.

I’ve been doing well at work but have been wholly exhausted or drained coming home every day. We tried accommodations and modifications to my duties. The workload has been different and suitable for me by trimming weed, but this is temporary. It reminded me that I miss doing this work and am still good at it. I’ e had energy after work to do things other than tv or browse the internet because I’m not wiped out. I could write on days off and did not need the entire weekend to recover. (I had to use this writing time for a work issue this past weekend, however, it’s a positive sign.)

My long-term outlook changed at about the same time.

The plan is to attend a four-year college to get a bachelor’s and master’s degree and become a therapist. It will be complicated with my current health condition, and I’ll have to go back to community college for a transfer degree to afford school. I can’t do that if work takes all my energy and focus. I have specific health needs and have to be able to do work to pay bills while going to school.

School is the plan because I’ve already tried the blue-collar path through working in restaurants, truck driving, and various temp labor work in my twenties. At first glance, College looks expensive. I’ll likely have debt after. On the plus side, because of the disabilities I have, my current income, and my background, I should qualify for financial aid and grants.

With this change, I can write about some experiences in the past year I kept to myself because I didn’t know how to write about them without a social media policy at work. I didn’t write about any of it, even innocent fun memories, because writing about people you know without their consent is tricky. I promised myself before starting this job to avoid this and to focus on my life because I made this mistake in the first year of blogging. Then, when I was promoted, it became unethical to do so. Now that time has passed and I’ve matured as a writer, it’s worth another look.

It’s worth a shot as fiction. Probably something like Kitchen Confidential meets Half-Baked. To do it right would be to create new characters and a fictional setting. Something to consider for a future project, as I have yet to finish any story project I’ve started, and been working on a little something that I want to complete first as I have more to work with regarding it. Stay tuned, as I plan on making Thursday posts for fictional stories. Monday will remain personal blogging content.

Guess this means that my future is as a therapist for work and a writer for fun.

First things first. I have two weeks left here and adjust to the new job after.

Stay tuned; this Thursday is Duck season, chapter 1, rough draft.

P.S. It’s been one of those days. I intended to give my notice in person today, but my Prius key fob battery was dead. I assumed my Car wouldn’t start and had to be opened manually because of the fob. So I have to call out of work. Walk to the corner store, and it’s closed. Get the FOB battery changed later in the day, and… Car still won’t start. I assume it’s the regular battery due to the pouring spring rain today. So I’m hoping the problem is just that.

Work was incredibly kind and thoughtful regarding my resignation/two weeks’ notice. I’m so grateful to have worked with them and our journey for almost two years. Despite being the right time for a change, and I did it the right way considering the circumstances, it’s sad to say goodbye.

I look forward to and am anxious about the next two weeks…