Category Archives: Satire

One vote in seattle, part 4

This years candidates, Douche vs Turd x 37. Source: South Park season 8, episode 8, “Douche vs Turd”. 17:08 minutes in.

This is part 4 of a series of posts covering the candidates for governor in the WA state primary election. Here is part 1. Holy shit I’m only on 16/37 of all the candidates. What the fuck was I thinking? For those that have read the previous three posts, I apologize for not posting yesterday and promising I would. I was burned out after Friday’s post. I’m also frustrated at myself for not doing a small writeup. Now I have to finish this series in the next 2 days. While the in person drop off for ballot boxes is the same day on Tuesday, August 4th, the deadline for mailing the ballots is by tomorrow, August 3rd. Warning: post gets weird. 2527 words.

Since I discovered the Spotify embed in the WordPress editor last post, I’m going to change the format of future posts to have the music in the beginning. This week, I’ve been getting back into Incubus again. Back in the late aughts and early 2010’s, I used to have them on heavy rotation on my Microsoft Zune.

Edit: Damn, I thought I still had my Zune in a storage box, but I couldn’t find it!

How to register to vote in WA state:

https://www.sos.wa.gov/elections/register.aspx

How to vote in America: https://vote.gov/

Candidate profiles from: https://voter.votewa.gov/genericvoterguide.aspx?e=865&c=99#/candidates/57059

Photo by Aaron Schwartz on Pexels.com

Candidate #17: Gene Hart. Democratic Party.

Overall impression: A classic example of a candidate that has been in the politics game a long time. Election experience as a party delegate this year, along with military, professional, and community service experiences. In short a career activist on the path to being a politician. A bit over the top with statement tone and word choice. Maybe I’m nitpicking.

Weird stuff: (I figure it’s better to combine “Statement flaws + things that stand out” into this from now on)

Anyway… Weird stuff: “Multidisciplinary Studies at The University of Hard Knocks; Post Baccalaureate Graduate Studies in Business Administration, Healthcare Management, Law and Accounting” So, did he get a degree after his Bachelors, or is he bullshitting us by listing the classes he took, but didn’t go ahead and finish his degree? Probably bs, based on this cringy detail Multidisciplinary Studies at The University of Hard Knocks. Ugh.

“as Washington State Governor, I would most likely sign that reform, given my sense of it, as the next step for healthcare as an unalienable right.” Why are you wasting my time with most likely… AKA maybe? I’m already leaning Maybe No towards choosing you. “Our pandemical tsunami has changed the lay of the land.” GROAN.

“In my mind, it really is Full Mobilization, All Hands, Non-Profits, Profits and Government needed, urged, coached and inspired.” What the hell does this mean? Other than empty bullshit, once again.

“I will establish a Kitchen Cabinet concept in Office of the Governor” Lol, wut?

“Onward. We already have top quality, volunteers waiting in the wings.This is our home. We want, We deserve more. Putting People First, Keeping People First. It short, I want the good, better and best angels of our nature, fully mobilized, not the ugly, worst and flawed earth angels of our nature. My apology for long-winded polemic, but you did press the on button and it worked.The only limits to our realizations of tomorrows will be our doubts of todays. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.” Um…. Why is this familiar to me? Oh I know!

Needless to say, this strange turn is not going to convince me to vote for him.

Edit: oh he’s a sentient robot!

One vote in Seattle, part 3.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com

Part 1, Part 2. Prepare yourself for 2962 words!

This is part 3 of a series of posts I’ll be finishing before August 4th, the WA state primary election day. To prepare you, my politics is deep blue Liberal. I have been giving my thoughts about each candidate running for Washington state Governor. All 37 candidates…. Between the previous posts, there are 31 more to review before voting day. 😐With that in mind, I’m making making some tweaks to make writing this easier to do. I found it interesting to type the other candidates words by hand instead of copy-pasting, but it at times that felt like torture. Finishing this project, keeping my word to the readers, and to myself is what is important. I can’t count on finishing this sometime in the future, because all we have is this moment in time. Covid or not, nobody knows what the future will bring. There is no better time than now.

How to register to vote in WA state:

https://www.sos.wa.gov/elections/register.aspx

Without further ado, here are the next 10 candidates, starting with candidate #7 Liz Hallock.

Candidate profiles from: https://voter.votewa.gov/genericvoterguide.aspx?e=865&c=99#/candidates/57059

Photo by Aaron Schwartz on Pexels.com

Candidate #7: Liz Hallock. Green Party.

Overall impression: Finally a woman! I like that she is wearing a mask in her photo. Has election experience, experience with the law, and a small business owner. Normally I’m weary of any candidate that runs for the Green Party, but Hallock’s statement profile is a perfect example of what to do right. Each section filled with relevant experience, is to the point, and I know exactly where she stands on issues without over the top political spin. It’s nice to see a Green Party candidate that doesn’t have views that are impossible to achieve in our life times, or have a criminal record. I feel she could have won another race for office instead of the competitive governors race this year. Guess we will all see what she does from now on.

Things that stand out: “Involved in Citizens’ Climate Lobby, Yakima Humane Society, Yakima Immigrant Resource Network, First Descents Cancer Survivor Support Program, ESL Tutoring, Financial Education Courses for Domestic Violence Survivors, Recalling elected officials who actively encouraged citizens to defy Local Health Authority COVID-19 Stay-at-Home orders.” This is how you demonstrate community service.

Statement flaws: “mother of two.” Being a parent is not professional experience. “Finally, Amazon’s practices have been anti-competitive and predatory. We need to transform Amazon into a public utility owned by the people.” While this is true, I don’t see this ever happening in my lifetime. America already has the USPS. I admire the thought of dreaming for the impossible instead of the bullshit compromises the Democrats make with Republicans in DC.

One vote in Seattle, Part 1.

I’m about to piss some people off with this series of posts over the next few days. Frankly, I’ll probably lose some family members who are on the other side of the aisle who are supporters of the current POTUS. I don’t care anymore. I’m proud to be a liberal, a far left politics person in the United States. America has become an embarrassment under Trump. Nobody is safe, not even here on the west coast in the liberal cities. I thought this would be easy to do in one post, but this year’s voter guide is a doozy. So, I’ll be giving them the good old free press treatment and roast all of them. Comedy and satire is the most accurate journalism these days. I encourage every voter to seek out as many possible voices to make an educated choice on who to vote for. Here is my voice from the political left… 1448 words.


WA state mail in ballot.

2020 primary ballot

My ballot for my local primary election arrived in the mail this week. Arriving the same day as the ballot was The Washington State voters guide. Part of the fun for me voting is reading this for the candidate profiles. Some profiles like “GOODSPACEGUY” are so insane that it’s hilarious. Though in the Trump world, I fear he might actually be elected. More on him later.

I’m struggling with this reality we live in current day America. A narcissist President who denies Science and empathy for his own selfish ends. But he is one man. I’m terrified and disgusted on a human level with his supporters. Wearing a facemask is a political issue to them. The entire world in a pandemic. A disease has no politics. The two requests: wear a facemask when leaving your house, and keep six feet of distance between other humans… Is apparently to much for local Seattelites to do at the park near my house. Every day on my walk, maybe half of other locals at the park or exercising like I am, are wearing a mask. Then 10% of those people are wearing it on their chin, or forehead until they get close to others. I feel I have resting bitch face when I’m out walking because of this shit. Then I’m seeing parties at houses with many people. Packed boats at the lake with nobody wearing masks… I fear the covid case count is about to spike sharply in the next month. All this in Left leaning Seattle. Though I’m a far left politics person, it feels like a tiny haven from the horrors of Trump. Where’s the hope for America when fellow Americans only care about themselves? Nobody survives alone in our world. It’s impossible to do all of the work by hand in our capitalist world. It’s hard to be empathic to fellow humans when their physical presence alone is a threat to your survival. Not voting is not a choice. It’s life or death for all Americans.

How to vote in Washington state: https://www.sos.wa.gov/elections/current-election-information.aspx

Source

Register to vote in the United States: https://www.usa.gov/register-to-vote

Source

Okay… That was a sobering end to the first paragraph. I started writing this intending for this blog entry to be funny. Well, I’ll let those running for WA State governor say it best… In their own words and profiles. I present to the absurdity of the August Primary!

17 pages of the whopping 88 pages is candidates running for the office of state governor. It can’t be that bad… Right?


The first two candidates

Picture of voters guide. First two candidates for WA governor. An interesting note which will be soon demonstrated in the corner near the page numbers: " King County Elections does not correct punctuation, grammar, or fact check candidate and measure statements." Buckle up kids.
First two candidates for WA governor. An interesting note which will be soon demonstrated in the corner near the page numbers: ” King County Elections does not correct punctuation, grammar, or fact check candidate and measure statements.” Buckle up kids.

So it begins…

Alex Tsimerman is first. For context, WA state has no requirement for candidates to choose a political party to be able to run. In its place under their name is their political party of preference. My impression of his photo is that he looks like an evil-idiot-bizarro George Carlin. (Evil George Carlin pic)

Source

Tsimerman’s political party? StandupAmerica. What the fuck is that?! Elected experience: none. Gotta start somewhere, right? Other professional experience: Business, Business consultant, and Caregiver for my mother. While I applaud him for being compassionate towards his parent who needs care, this is a job interview by voters! Oh, maybe he got his degree in nursing! (Reads next paragraph…. Nope!)

Education: College, University, Master degree in Engineering & management. And… How could a college graduate with a master’s degree be so stupid? First off, if you have a college degree, all you need to say is that I have a ______ in _____. I know because I have an AAS in Catering & Banquet Operations aka a Culinary Arts degree. I’m inclined to think he’s lying about his education on first impression. Second, anyone with a high school education knows that you don’t need to put “College, University” before your degree title. Well, I know I’m not voting for him. Sigh… But I must press on to finish this blog post. As the great Eric Andre said on the YouTube show, Hot ones (a show where host Sean Evans interviews people while both eat spicy chicken wings sauced with the world’s spiciest hot sauces), “Gotta give the internet what it wants”

Read more

Reddit, we need to talk.

O RLY? The classic Oh really Owl Meme.
My favorite Meme of all time. Boy this shows my old man internet status! If I had to justify by bullshit for explaining why I like this meme its probably because it shares 3 letters with my first name. I’m such a narcissist lol. (Source)

This is a fictional satire of how I would break up with the website Reddit.com as if it was a real person. Clearly Reddit and I have some things to work on. Also, no I won’t post a picture of Reddit. It doesn’t need any more attention!

Reddit, we need to talk:

It’s time to break up. This relationship has almost been 6 years, but it’s over. I’ve become a different person, and I can’t live this way with you anymore. I can’t leave the house without you around. I’m ashamed to browse you around other people. I rarely see friends because you constantly want attention. This is an unhealthy relationship. We are Codependent. Yet, I’m never good enough for you. You are incredibly smart, and taught me so many interesting things such as history tidbits, psychology, science, and relationships that I’m in awe. However, you are also shallow, a vain narcissist who only cares what you give to it, yet has no sense of self.

You drive me crazy with your immaturity. Which is saying a lot because I’m what you call your biggest fans, a Neckbeard. (A slur for men online who are have nerdy interests and can have mental health problems.) Apparently that’s okay for you to insult me, while I burn to keep you warm. (An idiom I learned from you!) What does that say about you? That you want my attention and presence, yet despise me? You might be unique, and famous. I don’t care. I’m done feeling like shit because of you. So I’ll change the only thing I can. Which is being around you. I’m sure you could explain every reason why we should stay together. Why I’m acting this way, supported by science. Reasons supported by psychology and so on. The problem is, you refuse to even consider what I feel or my opinions. Relationships go two ways. They take work to maintain.

Translation: Yeah, Really. I’m serious about this! (Source)

Don’t contact me. I’ll be ignoring your favorite advice for relationships:

1) I won’t delete Facebook or other social media. I’ll simply block you. While Facebook is flawed, I know exactly what to expect from it. Yeah, it’s an evil giant corporation. But so are you. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

2) I won’t be hitting the gym because I’m not into that. I prefer walks. I’ll lose weight because I won’t be stress eating worrying about our relationship anymore!

3) I’ll only lawyer up if necessary. I assume you’ll handle this breakup like an adult.


It’s not you, it’s me…

You changed when you got big. I’ll be moving on with Blog. I know you are familiar with her. You think you know everything about her, and everything else in human civilization. I don’t care. Despite what you think, you’re not perfect. I don’t care if you literally know everything. I don’t care if you can take any appearance to suit your vanity. I’m never good enough. You never feel good enough as you are. I don’t care how many millions of followers you have. You are a mirror. Like a vampire you have no reflection, drain everyone’s energy, and become them. Once your target becomes a vampire because of you biting their neck, draining their life force, they lose their sense of self. Like a disease, they have to feed on other people’s energy until everyone is like you. That isn’t being human. While you were created by humans, you aren’t human. Somehow you are both the best and worst of humanity at the same time. I’m tired of your emotional outbursts to get attention. While Blog is much older than you, She’s willing to grow with me. She doesn’t play games. She knows who she is and what she wants. She respects me as I am, and accepts me, flaws, strengths and all. 

I’m tired of putting all the work in for someone that doesn’t care. I thought you would change if I became someone else. If I did something to get your attention. But this is impossible since you change at will. How can a person love something that is anything but itself? It wasn’t love between us, it’s addiction. Hopefully you get the help you need. Internet addicts, social media addiction, closing myself off from the world, codependency, don’t interest me. I can’t help you fix yourself. Not my problem anymore. You’re smart, you figure it out! Goodbye.

This is from the classic “Vader No” Meme, which is from Star Wars episode 3. Warning, the following link is loud sound. It’s hard to believe that this is considered ancient in Internet Meme history. https://dvnooooo.ytmnd.com/

Farewell Reddit. (In case you didn’t notice, this is sarcastic.) Would Reddit tell me to break up with itself?!


   

Misc thoughts

I figured the blog needed a silly breakup post to balance my own super serious posts before. I hope it’s not too ridiculous, lol. I do use Reddit too much. Honestly, people in my generation use the internet so much that it is like we are dating it. We use our phones like our grandparents smoked cigarettes. But, with the internet, it quickly becomes an unhealthy relationship because the internet runs off of money. Massive websites such as reddit cost a lot of money to maintain. And you can’t have a healthy relationship with a thing that’s sole purpose is to enrich itself by any means.

I hope all the mixed metaphors and satire hit its mark. I haven’t had this much fun with something in a while. Blogging is hard, but satisfying. As I go through my final edits of this post I realize… Who is this post for? Lol. There’s so many specific jokes that few people would understand. The target audience: early thirties or late twenties internet users who remember these old memes, and use Reddit. This plan is so crazy it might work! (What plan? Write an awesome blog post with more traffic than last weeks post!)

 I can’t wait for the quarantine to be lifted. This solitary life at home feels like I’m in a hamster wheel. Online interaction only goes so far, and I don’t want to live this online life any more. I’ve already had long periods in my life living with little human interaction when my depression was at it’s worst. When I didn’t have the right mix of medicines for my health issues. When I didn’t have a therapist I trust and connect with. In the future I want to be online less often.

As for me, I’m feeling okay more often than not. This amazing Seattle spring, and the perfect sunny weather is welcome relief. Despite the stereotype of Seattle, it actually doesn’t rain that much here. The reality is looming passive aggressive grey clouds… You never know if it will rain. This is why I sarcastically assume Grunge became big in the PNW. Long term residents are cold socially to new people that move in because the grey grinds their once sunny disposition into hazy clouds. Amazing springs and summers can only heal the soul so much. It’s not personal, its the weather.

I know that I don’t have a focus yet for the blog. I’m planning to add sections for content once there is enough to fill them. Maybe in the future, I’ll split stuff into separate blogs. I’m pacing myself so I don’t burnout or lose interest. I want to enjoy the journey. This has been an eventful year for me so I’m interested to see how my “Top songs of 2020” will look at the end of the year on Spotify.

The song of the week is dedicated to the stone age of memes, Ytmnd.com. I’ll leave the surprise in this Link.


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I’m working on figuring out Pinterest, so that will be another option in the near future. Don’t forget to wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Have a good week!

Reilly.