Tag Archives: Radical Acceptance

Chop wood, Carry Water

A living tree that is in the lake shallows and horizontal to the water.

The problem with telehealth therapy me.

Recently I’ve been more depressed than usual. I’ve had depression for years now, and lately, I’ve felt that maybe I have to accept that this will be my life as long as I live—Ditto with Autism and Long Covid.

While I am seeing a therapist, she’s primarily a coach and has said so. It seems to be a design of the app I get telehealth therapy from, Ginger. Since she and my previous therapist are coaches, clients are supposed to be a max of 10 visits or less.

While I am struggling with life, I’m not sure I want to continue therapy. I need things outside of it which are fulfilling such as relationships, activities, emotional support, and meaningful work.

Hi, my name is Reilly and I’m an Internet addict.

I don’t want to do Zoom or telehealth because I’m addicted to scrolling social media and spend all of my time online or watching something. I admit that I have a problem. I meet my physical needs with porn.

The only way I could stop would be to switch to a non-smartphone, get rid of my PC and laptop, and use a computer at my local library for everything else. I’ve tried to stop many times to return to my previous habits. The allure and learned behavior are too strong, and I’m helpless against it.

You know it’s bad when you don’t enjoy doing it much, but continue anyway.

For the time being, I need in-person therapy only. For the time being, the mental health place that my insurance referred me to has Zero in-person openings across multiple Seattle locations for the next week. So, call back next week to seek openings.

The problem is that there is no easy or reasonable solution to this. This addiction isn’t like, say, Heroin, where you can go to a group, and there’s a support structure. You need the internet in this world. The last time I tried to get help, the only treatment center in 2020 was $30k for a three-month plan. (Which was the only internet addiction treatment center around then.)

And then?

Say that I do get this support, then what would I do with all that time? I’d likely need to make a lot more money. The yearly cost of monthly internet service and the few subscriptions I have are incredibly cheap. I don’t buy or play video games much anymore. The rare times I do, are ones I bought before.

The total cost I pay for that is $70 a month. This doesn’t include the other ways I can view content online if you’re savvy.

I am incredibly privileged to have low rent thanks to living with my mother and being very scrupulous with money. It’s not realistic. If I paid average rent plus expenses in this area, I’d likely have to pay a minimum of an additional $1400 more each month if I lived on my own. I do not want to live with roommates. If I cut all extra expenses out of my current income, I still wouldn’t make enough. What I could cut back wouldn’t be enough. I’d have no money to go out and do anything.

It doesn’t feel like an improvement to change. All this is assuming a best-case scenario where I am set up with a therapist that meets my needs, and we get on issues right away. Which, in my experience, has been a mixed bag.

I have to do something because I’m not happy, I’m lonely, and my needs aren’t being met.

I am the only person responsible for making this happen. Despite my bitching, I’m not doing anything different. I’m choosing this lifestyle.

I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of hating myself.

To be fair and kind to myself, I must acknowledge that I’ve worked hard to reach this point. I’ve given it my best each day, whatever my best that day was. I’ve made extraordinary progress because I’ve hung on and not given up. I wish I were much better than I am, but this is who I am. I’m a flawed, imperfect human being with strengths and weaknesses. I am enough.

Chop wood, carry water.

Quote from: https://quotefancy.com/media/wallpaper/3840x2160/558564-Buddha-Quote-Before-enlightenment-chop-wood-carry-water-After.jpg

Rollercoaster Ride of a week…

Rollercoaster track
Dear covid, please let me off. Please go away. Let me off, I’ve had enough of this rollercoaster.

Here we go again… Covid just doesn’t want to let go.

The past seven days have been a rollercoaster. I didn’t know I was going to be on one. I hate rollercoasters… They make me nauseous.

Song of the post: Patience (A guns n roses cover) by Chris Cornell


Another small covid outbreak at work… I know there’s another surge, but come on. Enough is enough. The timing is not great. My boss was nice about me notifying them about the doctor’s note I gave them about missing two days’ work. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I woke up with chest pain and had trouble breathing. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I got up, focused on breathing, got some water, and waited to see how I felt and to look up my symptoms on duckduckgo. I did get the vaccine two days earlier, the Moderna booster ( the previous two shots, the Pfizer vaccine series), so while I was concerned, I decided to see how I felt in the morning. I had similar but less severe symptoms, so I played it safe, called the nurse line for my healthcare, and sought advice, which was to go to urgent care. Thankfully after a series of tests, I’m okay. I can’t relax because I suspect this bill will be a couple of grand because of our shitty healthcare system in America. I have the best plan I can afford. I’m glad I’m okay on the typical tests, and this is likely a combination of panic attacks and mild booster symptoms, but ugh. I’m tired of the coronavirus and the pandemic… Tired of long Covid controlling my life. Ugh.

President Obama raising his hands like wtf

I’m already dealing with post-verbal warning emotions; I assume I was under close watch after my big mistake last week. Coco had to go to the emergency vet last Wednesday because there was blood in her urine. It turns out to be a UTI after tests. She’s been peeing in my room on clean laundry and my bed, even after I did all my laundry. I’ve had to use a spray bottle with water on Coco to stop her from peeing everywhere. We haven’t had to use this to correct her behavior for a long time. I had no choice. I take her off my bed, then she leaves the room, comes back, and tries to pee again. Thankfully it’s only a handful of drops, and I’m not seeing blood or pink-colored urine. It’s still gross. It’s frustrating because I don’t want her to suffer from pain or a UTI. It’s frustrating because I still have to deal with this while not doing great emotionally or physically. Thank goodness mom offered to help do laundry.

John Stewart saying Fuck!
Pardon me. This is how I’ve felt inside.
Astronaut brothers disguising disgust reaction.
And this.

Radical acceptance, one hour at a time.

Life’s been so stressful lately. I have to focus on what’s going well. I’m killing it with boundaries, values, and communication. I began from a Pot Hole and am choosing effective responses. The past seven days started with boundary mistakes and adjusted. I’ve been standing up for myself, what I believe is correct, and accepting feedback from others. The blow to my ego and shame from breaking my values at work is lessened. Sending an apology message to my bosses helped. Now, I have to have faith that things will work out for the best. I’m doing everything I can.

I’m not letting anxiety take over completely. Thanks past, Reilly! Because you didn’t give up on working on therapy, on yourself, or the problems you learned about Radical acceptance. I’m participating in life. I’m feeling everything. You did that. I’m filling my tank. It’s okay to ask for things you need. For help from others. It’s not black and white.

It’s not arrogant to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself when life’s tough. Or any regular day, for that matter.

Maybe this is that quote on self-improvement Instagram accounts that goes something like: “This situation is showing you what you can handle, and that you handle much more life that you think you can.”

This week is showing me that I’m ready for more. Soon as my mental and physical health recovers. I’ve been kicking ass at life, finally, despite long covid. Remember the good stuff. The small stuff. I am getting better, slowly. I am becoming a better adult, slowly. Slowly forward.