Tag Archives: Post traumatic growth

April Springs Anew

Posted on by 2 comments
Shout-out to the people who haven't felt okay lately but get up every day and refuse to quit. You got this

It feels like a new chapter in life

Soon as I recover from long covid (gotta stay positive and wish for the best), I need to move. It’s been a goal of mine for years. I haven’t due to my mental health and constantly being in survival mode for work. A mix of Murphy’s law and things not working out. Life…

That’s settled in the past. I feel stable and confident with life again. (It’s been a long time since I felt like this. So long it feels unusual but familiar). I have work concerns, and I’m anxious about the managers’ meeting, but that’s normal, even for a good job. I like where I’m at—finally, the right thing at the right time. There’s a rumor that the trimmer crew will be moving up to the farm, which is about a 90 minutes drive (or longer during rush hour). That includes me in this new manager job. I’ll find out this week. I don’t want or like a long commute. I want to keep working at this company, so it’s a condition I am willing to accept. It will give me the motivation to go forward with moving.

(I had a playlist, but it looks like its only showing a preview. So… I had to redo it on youtube.)

Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver's side of a car. In picture is the driver's side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.
Photo of a blooming cherry tree in a park, shot from the driver’s side of a car. In picture is the driver’s side mirror, giving a perspective of past and future.

A change of scenery

It’s long past the time I move out. I’ve felt this way before. I couldn’t do anything about it because of not have work I could emotionally rely on. This is the only home I’ve lived in. The only place I’ve lived. I need to be on my own. I’ve been here too long; I don’t feel like I belong in this neighborhood. Seattle feels stale to me too. There are many other places which would be better. Rent will be expensive, but I am capable of making it happen. It’s going to hurt leaving the family cat, Lucy. I’ll miss Lucy so much. It’s going to be painful to break her heart. I will have to split up Lucy and Coco. I will miss mom, but I can come to visit. Not sure if Lucy will forgive me, being a cat. Eventually, I want to adopt a second cat for more company and a (hopefully) buddy for Coco.

I have to do this. I’ve noticed that when coming home from work, I feel progressively worse as I get closer to home. I’ve seen a constant low depression/anxiety/ and uncomfortable feeling being home with no reason to. I can be myself there at work, outside here at home, not. It’s simply not the place for me any longer. Nothing wrong with that. I don’t feel I can be the best version of myself here. Or live the life I want. I’ll still be me, and wherever I go, there I am. I’ve changed, and the neighborhoods changed. We’re on different paths.

With the covid situation here improving and my health improving, I can finally start toward this goal. It’s been one setback or letdown after another over the past four years. I can also have a social life and become more comfortable with the autistic pieces of me. Some things are not the same over zoom versus in person. I’m already experiencing this at work as I open myself up to others and feel safe.

This was the first Saturday where I felt an average amount of exhaustion. We did deep cleaning at work on Friday for a couple of hours, which was necessary. Once again, my boss showed up ready to do the dirty work with supplies and lunch—mad respect for that. I think the detailed cleaning triggered physical fatigue. So, while my physical condition is improving, and the day to getting boosted is close, I still got to be mindful.

Damn you long covid!

I haven’t been able to forgive myself

Tweet: Got to accept shit for what it is even if it's not what you want it to be.

For the relationship war crimes, I committed to a former friend. I’m guilty.

I don’t want to feel like this. I like this pain to be over. After two years, the pain has slowly lessened, but it comes up if I’m triggered or have flashbacks.

I don’t like hating myself for how badly I let my feelings get the best of me.

I’m tired of this loop replaying in my mind.

I don’t like being stuck in the past with this.

I have and am doing the work to being a better human and working on myself, communicating my needs, listening, and being mindful of others’ needs and addressing the grief, the ruminating thoughts, and fighting back against it.

I’m not a victim. I’m human. I make mistakes. I learn from them, at my own pace. This is due to me. I am responsible for that.

I can’t change the past. I can change the present and, therefore, the future.

I want this suffering to be over.

This is my mess, my journey. My choices led to this point. I have to remind myself to keep moving forward. Let me face my feelings and experience each moment. This is the consequence of my actions.

That relationship is broken and can’t be fixed. It’s far too late for that. All I can do is continue to change my behavior to be a better human in the future. I have since and continue to be, better.

These shame-powered flashbacks are setbacks and not full-stop roadblocks. I must remind myself that these triggers are happening less and less as time goes on. It’s factor that I’m vulnerable to this rumination because of my body fighting long covid. It’s a rarity.

I watched Rocky Balboa recently… Kind of the perfect movie for my mood at the time, and not feeling physically well. This scene is an excellent speech about life.

Just have to keep getting up and moving forward. Lots of good is happening. It’s challenging because it’s inner growth. That is progress. I am grateful. Noticing “good” is just as important as seeing “bad.” Keep moving forward.

Guilt, regret, resentment, sadness and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence. Eckhart Tolle.

I need to practice self-compassion and be kinder to myself. Having long Covid has been difficult. I’m not over it. Being mindful of my health has been a daily, hourly thing. Today has felt long, and I’m tired as I type this at 10:27 pm Wednesday. Yeah, you don’t have all life mastered or figured out. That’s okay. It’s okay to live one day at a time!

Year 2 of blogging

Posted on by 9 comments

It’s been two years since I started blogging!

My social life is mostly online… And that’s not enough anymore.

I certainly didn’t plan on this, on my social life being this way. Last Thursday, I went to see long time friends and neighbors perform live at a local bar. It’s the first time that I’ve left the house to go to a public place during a busy time in almost a year. It was amazing.

The Marshall family band is classic folk-country and played it before it was cool, and still are master musicians, and still getting better. Nostalgic, comforting, sad, beautiful. They’ve been the soundtrack to my past. A past now bittersweet, and a different life. (If you like, check out their music in the link below)

https://marshallfamilyband.bandcamp.com/

I’ve left to visit family, and my buddy C a couple times, but not in months. Between the fear of catching covid, work becoming my main focus, then getting covid, it’s been a solitary life.

Back in the before times… Before the pandemic, in 2019 (wow that feels so long ago), I was in the process of rebuilding my social life from scratch.

From scratch with friends. Love my family, but everyone needs friends. For a long time, I’ve been like a hermit. Mostly because I was in survival mode. It’s been lonely, as much as I enjoy solitude. Family visits help, but they’re only so often.

I’m online way too much. As much as a boon the pandemic was for personal healing, my social life has been paused. Everyone’s has. If it wasn’t for the social media dominant life due to the pandemic, I wouldn’t have appreciated or noticed how many people that care and like me as I am in my life. Several chapters with people ended. Deaths, and an awful break-up that where I was an asshole. My mistakes, my choices resolved in the worst possible way.

I’m not quite there yet. I still feel weary of public places with lots of people. Or places with close quarters such as grocery stores. Not that I can right now. I’m slowly healing from long covid. I’m excited to go into the world. Yet at the same time being mindful of my physical condition.

Soon.

Unfinished business I want to resolve

Dear neighbors: I’m sorry for the pot clouds I make smoking weed. This is my choice, and I never intended for it to affect others. I didn’t realize it’s been so bad, so long. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been selfish and didn’t take this into account. I honestly thought the smoke blew east due to how the wind whips around the backyard. This must be really annoying, and I hope that it hasn’t caused any problems. Thank you for being so patient and considerate.

To the neighbor and ex friend who I ghosted, and haunted two years ago: I’m sorry. I feel like I didn’t clearly say this back then. I feel like I left things ambiguous and that’s not fair. I misconstrued your words, and posted parts of it online. I promised to make amends, and broke that promise. I don’t expect us to ever make up, or for things to change. I don’t expect forgiveness. I wish that I could go back and change my behavior. What I did was unacceptable. I was an asshole. I’m not sure if you read those blog posts that are now private or deleted. Even if you never did or never will, and that’s understandable… If there’s anything I missed, I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry.

This whole situation was a wake up call, and I have worked to improve myself. I haven’t done those things since, and won’t ever again. I will continue to respect your privacy and boundaries, and leave you alone.

I don’t feel like I’ve been a good friend for a couple years.

Once again, that’s on me. I’ve been distant, a flaky communicator, and not put enough effort to making friendships work. Not being emotionally available is a large factor. I wasn’t, but am now because I worked on it. You gotta make social events happen as an adult. Now that I have a consistent work schedule, and there isn’t the incipient threat of the plague, socializing can resume. It still feels weird, even though covid isn’t completely gone, and will be a part of life. That’s life. It goes on, and you learn to cope and grow as you’re in it.

I don’t want to dwell on the past. Ruminating has been a problem I have at times and it’s something I work on with anxiety.

Despite everything, life is alright. Good at times. All of this is because I’ve grown, and value self improvement.

The best thing I can do is to learn, and let go. If I don’t let go, I’ll miss out on the present moment.

Shifting Winds

Posted on by 6 comments
Lake Washington at dusk, looking South. My Rainier in the distance.
Lake Washington at dusk, looking South. My Rainier in the distance.

Progress is Progress

Life lately has felt like being in a foggy blizzard. Piercing cold, hard to see around you, challenging to traverse, and slow trudging through knee-deep as snow. (Not that my sheltered ass knows what this is like… It just felt relevant. Such is creativity.)

Long Covid as a foggy blizzard

Since I last tested positive for covid, I haven’t fully healed. The worst has passed, and I’m grateful for that… But covid hangs on. Fatigue, brain fog, occasional dizziness, and shortness of breath rarely.

I suspected I had long covid, seeing as it’s been seven weeks. This explains why I’ve felt fatigued so quickly. Why was I briefly sick last week (a cold or food poisoning?)? Today I had it confirmed at a doctor’s appointment. Any symptoms after a month post-infection are considered long covid. It takes an average covid infected person like me three months to fully recover. All I can do is continue to focus on healing. I believe this is the longest I’ve been consistently mindful of daily. I’m slowly walking through the grief from getting covid, despite doing everything I could all through the pandemic, from the suffering of (likely) catching up at work. My past hard work of going to therapy and improving myself is paying off. A massive silver lining to surviving covid is that I’m not paranoid-terrified of covid anymore. It is still wary of social distancing and any place filled with people. I’m alive. While the pandemic isn’t over yet, hopefully, the worst is over here in the US.

One upside to this is that I stopped smoking weed while sick. I might have to stop because I physically feel worse after permanently. I do enjoy pot, but not the smoking aspect. I don’t enjoy being way too high. I certainly abused it in the past. It was and is helpful sometimes, but I don’t need it. So, a better compromise would be edibles. I can control the dose and responsibly enjoy it.

It’s frustrating that I likely caught covid from buying lunch for everyone my first week. Tight quarters with poor ventilation, lots of people in a small space with masks off… Even though everyone is vaccinated. Even though we distanced while eating, I’m lucky to be alive and fortunate that nobody else got infected. Shit… What a colossal mistake I made. Probably pandemic fatigue on my part, still… It’s my fault.)

The foggy blizzard of Long Covid will soon pass too. Not if I fight back. It doesn’t feel like it; we’re all frostbitten and weary. But this will give. Progress.

If you're serious about change, you have to go through uncomfortable situations. Stop trying to dodge the process. It's the only way to grow.

Here comes the New boss, same as the Old boss. 🎸🎶

I didn’t realize until today that I risked my life for my job. Why? Because they treat all of us well. As a lead, though, I have a different perspective. I’m grieving the loss of the old and processing the grief of failing. Oh, and figuring out my new job.

I failed as room lead, and it’s my fault. After three weeks (interrupted by having covid) and a month of training my coworker-replacement, I was moved into a new role at work. I’m still in management; now, I’m not overseeing employees much. It makes sense. People skills aren’t a strength of mine. Before I knew I was autistic, I assumed it was inexperience. That is part of it… It’s the recognizing emotions in myself and others that trips me up.

I did everything they asked. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, or another person is better suited for the role. This became a learning experience.

Rule with an iron fist, lead with a velvet glove.

Plusses–

  • Learned how to manage quality problems when a disaster happens before you touch the product, then how to get the most out of it.
  • Starting a new job where I’m learning on the fly, having to lead people as a manager when I was previously an employee,
  • Met the future production goals most of the weeks I was lead or co-lead under my watch.
  • I created a production tracking sheet.
  • I learned how to navigate relationships with other managers by practicing communication skills and how to receive feedback on my actions.

Minuses

  • Need to work on my communication skills.
  • I need to work on managing my emotions.
  • Understand the company “setting” before trying to change the “mindset.”

In short, my inexperience and weaknesses created this failure—this learning experience.

Gloved hand holding a bud of Guava Gelato cannabis.
Weed strain: Guava Gelato

The life long inner journey

It’s time to return to therapy.

I can’t ignore or procrastinate on being autistic any longer. I feel it became an obstacle in my previous position. I couldn’t learn about this the past few years due to the pandemic and the lack of social situations necessary to grow. Well, maybe there was a handful with all the zoom therapy groups I did. A time or two at the jobs I had. Nothing consistent. Because I couldn’t relax and be comfortable that I would be working after three months, I had the Neurotypical mask on. This is a psychological “mask” autistic people put on to blend in with nonautistic people.

Along with autism, I still have other issues to work through with a therapist. I needed time after work with my previous therapist to give myself a break after all we had accomplished together. And I needed time to iron out significant problems, such as finding consistent work. It’s time. I loathe navigating my health insurance plan for mental health coverage. So far, it’s useless and doesn’t cover shit. It’s all I can afford, and other programs aren’t better in this price range. Fucking greedy, selfish billionaires.

I’m the only one who can change myself. I’m responsible for myself, and nobody is going to stop me. I have to stop myself. I have to save myself.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes!

Posted on by 2 comments

Just like that… Life changes

Time to face the strange.

On Tuesday, I was finally able to schedule the shot. The shot the world has been waiting for. As we watched the world behind a mask. Wednesday, with little fuss I got the first dose of the Pfizer covid-19 vaccine. The whole process took a total of 25 minutes once I arrived at Lumen field. In fact, it took longer to travel there than getting the vaccine.

Time may change me

13+ months following the rules for survival. Masking up every time I go outside… Passing people on sidewalks as I would a commercial truck passing a car like when driving. Glaring at assholes with their masks not on. People became hazardous objects. Practicing steady breathing each time I had to go grocery shopping. Holding my breath, pressing against aisles to maintain space. Anxiety spiking each time some selfish local dumbass not being courteous in closed spaces. Socializing existing on the internet only. The number of times I saw friends a family… I can count on one hand After the Pandemic.

The pandemic isn’t over yet. Like when Biden was sworn in on January 20th, I felt a huge weight lifted off me. One more shot to go, and I’ll be safe. Finally, an ending.

Just gonna have to be a different man

A new beginning. Today I got a new job! Full time work as a cannabis processor with a company that looks great to work for. I had a really good vibe in the interview Monday. I’ve been in shock today. My life is finally moving forward. My hard work the past year is paying off. A year ago I was at rock bottom. 15 months since my last full time job.

Therapy was amazing on Thursday. My therapist and me got to celebrate all these achievements. All the hard work paying off. All the hours last year on zoom working through my problems. Showing up every week ready to do the work. Choosing to be vulnerable, honest, and open to feedback.

Talking about everything made me cry. I wept tears of joy. I’m choosing to appreciate these wonderful feelings instead of the future. Its been a very long time that I’ve felt tears of joy because of a tough goal. A hard earned win. It’s been a tough year. Living through 2020 by itself is an amazing thing.

It is possible to change for the better.

Gratitude

I’m only here because I didn’t give up on therapy. I gave it another shot because I asked for help. My needs weren’t being fulfilled, and I couldn’t do it alone anymore. I’m here because I used the past year to work on myself full time. Daily therapy zoom groups, weekly therapy appointments with homework, reading relevant books, youtube videos about relationships and psychology, Mark manson articles, subreddits, Spotify meditation/mindfulness/positive affirmations tracks, and blogging. All thanks to being laid off from Willie’s Reserve. Thanks unemployment! Thanks WA Applecare! Thanks Mom! Thank you blog readers! Thank you friends!

No more covid Limbo

I can finally feel safe to visit people. The world will return to normal. All we have to do is persist a little bit longer. The end of the pandemic is on its way. All thanks to the covid-19 vaccines.

Thank you, science!

P.S. This isn’t to say I’m not anxious or free from doubts. It’s just nice to appreciate good things happening.

It hasn’t hit me that I actually have a full time job on Monday. With this I can get a new car. With this I can move out on my own. With both the vaccine and the job, I can live life again. I wonder what I’ll be like a year from today?

Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays!

Posted on by 2 comments

Covid Christmas

It’s Christmas, but it doesn’t feel like it. I just couldn’t get into the spirit this year.

Life is going well, but I’m exhausted from 2020.

I’m fortunate that I had savings to get presents this year, despite being unemployed.

It’s a slim year for presents.

Even though I got everything my family asked for, today feels like an ordinary Friday.

I’m fortunate to visit with my family today.

I feel like I haven’t given my best for this Christmas.

I’ve already gotten everything I wished for this year. Friends, reconnected with family, therapy I’ve needed for years, being able to love a kitty again, being able to love again, to move forward in life, and a girlfriend!

I’m at the point in this long distance relationship where I’m wondering if my girlfriend is a catfish. We haven’t met in person yet because of coronavirus. The good news is that we have plans to meet.

Trust but verify.

I’m staying hopeful, but careful.

Damnit don’t be a catfish. No catfish will fool me. Never give a creative person inspiration. I certainly didn’t feel like I’d be this mature about this potential difficult situation a year ago.

Trust but verify. Take no shit, do no harm. Trust yourself, trust patterns. I’m prepared for any result.

Guess I’ll know when her present to me is delivered.

Take no shit, do no harm.

Also known as: “2020 in a nutshell.”

Shopping this year felt like I was the covid Grinch. Behind my masked face was a scowl at every person not masked, or not distanced. Each time out my heart shrunk in size.

;

I felt like George Bailey in my own wonderful life. I had to be my own angel on the bridge this year. I chose to continue on, and try one more time to get help. My breakdown and suicide attempt led to rebirth. I chose to say: Fuck you depression, no more!

What a wonderful world…

I’m so grateful for my sweet kitty.

This is the best I can do today. Happy holidays to all. Be safe!

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!


Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Goal: Go on 1 date before 2021!

Posted on by 7 comments
Picture of flowers

At the beginning of this month in therapy, I set a goal to accomplish before the end of the year: To go on one date. Which in 2020 means in person, physically distanced, wearing a mask.

How I feel about dating… Of all the characters in futurama, I identify with Zoidberg the most.

It’s time for me to rejoin the dating pool. Yes, I know the pandemic is in full swing. That fear of getting covid-19 hasn’t left. According to recent news… It seems that the virus will be around at least far into 2021, and possibly 2022. I am not waiting any longer to date. I’m ready now. It’s been 7 years since my last date, and I’m fed up with having a lackluster dating history. That said, I’m looking forward to dating.

How I feel about dating right now. I had to make this gif myself, and its the first I’ve ever made! Sorry for the quality, lol.

Dating obstacles:

Obstacles: Better profile pics. I Need help making a profile that reflects my strengths. This means I need to do some work in therapy discovering what my strengths are. This time it would help if I had a professional photographer take some photos of me.

Last Sunday I joined Tinder for the first time, along with a couple other dating apps. Tinder has overall been a mixed bag… Mostly bots and scammers. But I did match up with and have some nice chats with two women on there! So far so good! After my last awful experience with OK Cupid, Match, and Craiglist like 10 years ago, I stopped trying at online dating. Going 1/1000 can do that. Struggling with mental health at the time didn’t help. Thankfully I have that managed now. Now I’m learning how these new dating apps work. Apparently I have some matches on some of them, but I can’t see who or respond until I pay money. I’ve really struggled with self worth for a long time, especially in dating, so it’s nice to see that women find me attractive! I don’t expect to find the person for me right away, but its a nice start!

What do I want?

  • Someone who says what they mean. Tell me exactly what you feel and what you want. No subtext. Don’t hint. Don’t make me guess. Blurt it out if you have to.
  • Is emotionally available.
  • A secure attachment.
  • Inter-dependent.
  • No alcoholics or addicts.
  • Mutual attraction.
  • I don’t want to be anyone’s “rock” Be your own rock.
  • No Republicans or Trump voters.
  • Must have relationship status on social media be “single”.
  • This will be my first romantic relationship and girlfriend. I don’t want to be a third, or side piece. Maybe in the future if things change, but not now.
  • I don’t want to date a single mom. This is simply too much for me as a person who hasn’t had a girlfriend before or dated much at all. That said, there sure are a lot of sexy single moms out there.
  • Is confident in herself and doesn’t seek constant approval and external validation.
  • Understands that “No means No”.
  • Respects my boundaries.
  • Respects my need for space.
  • Communicates fairly during conflict.
  • Views going to therapy as a positive thing.
  • Does self care.
  • Is okay that I have depression, anxiety, adhd, and high functioning autism. I need support, not care-taking because this is my responsibility.
  • Is not deceptive on their online dating profile. Don’t waste my time.
  • Is patient with me and my dating inexperience.
  • Likes cats.
  • Doesn’t mind that I smoke pot.
  • Has their shit together.
  • Kind and compassionate.
  • I want to have kids in a few years.
  • No second chances.
  • No long distance relationships
  • No waiting to get together. I need Quality Time, and it is possible to safely meet during the pandemic.

I probably forgot some things in that list, so if you have any thoughts, feel free to leave a comment below.

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook, or now, Pinterest! Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance (6 feet) from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Ikegai: or, finding meaning and purpose

Posted on by 6 comments

I need to let go of some things from earlier this year. It was wrong of me to blog about the friendship fallout online. So, I am deleting all the related posts. (It is possible to do harm with a bad apology.) What served me in the past, is not who I want to be in the future. Our present becomes our future selves. Keeping those posts online is only keeping the past alive.

“In the Tao Te Ching it says: By letting go, it all gets done” This is how the meditation below begins. Since I found this meditation on Spotify, I’ve began to use to sleep every night since July.

Therefore I must change. To begin by removing and editing the posts that talk about this relationship. From now on I’ll keep these things private. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I chose to break up. I said that I would keep my word and move on, and I haven’t. It was cruel and immature for me to vent about this online. I regret doing this, and am ashamed that I did this. It’s time to move on. I hate how things ended. This is reality. It ended how it did, and I can’t change that. It’s in the past and will always be a small part of me like every other experience I’ve had. I don’t know what she wanted of me, but I don’t need to know. I didn’t want to end it. All I know is that for my own health, for my own future, it was time to move on. You give yourself closure. No relationship lasts forever. No one is entitled to a friendship with you. We weren’t compatible for any future relationship. That chapter of life is over. I did her a favor.

In order to step forward in life, I need to stop shooting myself in the foot every time I make a mistake.

“Apparently, the Buddhists say that any time we suffer misfortune, two arrows fly our way. The first arrow is the actual bad event, which can can, indeed, cause pain. The second arrow is the suffering. That’s actually optional. The second arrow represents our reaction to the bad event. It’s the manner in which we chose to respond emotionally.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dont-shoot-the-second-arr_b_5102701

This is explained better by this awesome blog post where I first learned of this concept:

https://bullshitpositivity.com/one-step-at-a-time-a-meditation/

I highly recommend this blog called: “The Bullsh*t Positivity Project: “A tribute to self-love, grace, and real people living real lives.”

Continued on page 2…

Pages: 1 2

Milestones among Gravestones

Posted on by Leave a comment

Surprise milestone post! It’s already been 1 month since I started this blog! Yay!

Today marks 9 weeks since the breakup in Pivot. 2 months since I had a nervous breakdown and went to the hospital.  It’s been 2 months since I quit drinking alcohol. 3 months since everyone was laid off at my previous employer. Friday was the first day I felt neutral. Joy sprinkled throughout the day.

Milestones among gravestones

The rejection/break up was my last attempt at dating that woman. I couldn’t move past my feelings despite the long tenure of the relationship. I tried, failed badly, and couldn’t be friends with someone I loved, who didn’t feel the same. I chose to end it. I told myself over and over again in 2019 that I would accept the outcome, no matter what happens. I was tired of all the baggage from the relationship and wanted a different life. You miss all the shots you take, and I didn’t want to regret missing out. In a cruel twist I got regrets and missed. Sigh…

There were good times, despite the nuclear end. This is my biggest disappointment in life so far. Now I know it’s better to shoot for the stars and fail. I tried and had nothing to lose!  I wish I was A-romantic or Asexual, but I simply am not. All I know for certain… Is that I am Heartbroken. My guess is that I have a long time still to grieve. I have a pile of things to fix about myself. No more shitty apologies. No more vague goodbyes. No more being a coward.

For readers considering a confession letter themselves… Don’t. Ask them out in person. In fact, don’t write a love letter at all unless you are already dating. Are officially committed to another. Have been together for years.  If you fail, it hurts far worse than a normal rejection. When you end a relationship, do it in person (unless it is not safe to do so). I did everything wrong. What I regret most is not communicating clearly. I believed in the fantasy of the crush, in soulmates and all that bullshit… When in retrospect, we had grown apart over the years. We are different people… Opposites. And that’s okay! Oof.

It wasn’t meant to be anymore. As soon as I can, I’m moving out. It’s far past time. I’m sick of being a man-child hermit. For too long I’ve used my mental health problems as a crutch. I’m disappointed how it ended. I’m disappointed that I couldn’t fully be myself in that relationship anymore. I have to move on. It hurts too much. It’s over.

A new beginning…

I was a casual social drinker. I did enjoy the aroma and taste of some liquors, but being drunk was meh. Every type of drink gave me immediate hangovers. Beer and wine the worst. That day 2 months ago I poured out my liquor cabinet and haven’t looked back since. It did suck to pour out a $75 bottle of absinthe, and a $40 bottle of bourbon (Seattle booze prices are crazy. But it’s how nobody in the state wants to pay income taxes despite all the wealth.). I later learnt that there were 3 consecutive generations of men on my father’s (Credit to my grandfather who quit and never looked back!) side with alcohol problems. My dad died from drunk driving after 1 drink. (I’m planning a post later this year about it.) I don’t mind if you do drink. There is no excuse for drunk driving. Ever. Get an Uber, ask for a ride, take the bus, walk. Don’t do it.

A week after the end of the relationship, I had a nervous breakdown. All the grief hit me at once. Here I am now despite being burned again and again by therapy. That darkness was depression. Whispering lies to me at my most vulnerable. Don’t be afraid or ashamed of having mental illnesses. It’s a health problem just like breaking a leg. I admit treatment is tricky because insurance makes it impossible, and because our brains are incredibly complex. Nobody tells you it’s a marathon journey to healing. The benefits like receiving dollars for pennies. We’re all going to die anyway. So, be the best version of yourself that you are right now. Failure and mistakes are necessary for success. Might as well take a chance. You might succeed.

Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.”

― Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman. 

Songs of the post:

I by Kendrick Lamar:

A change Gonna Come by Sam Cooke:

Thank you for reading this, if you enjoyed it, please give it a like, tell me what you think in the comments, and share on Facebook. Don’t forget to subscribe to my email list for updates!

Please wear a mask outside that covers your mouth and nose, wash your hands, clean your cell phone, and keep your physical distance from others to fight Covid-19!

© Reilly Anderson. 2020. All rights reserved.

Edit: Whoops! Repeated a paragraph!