Some days, some weeks I feel like this:
This week it makes perfect sense. I’ve already posted twice, on Sunday, and Tuesday for the One vote in Seattle posts. On Monday I went with my mother on a trip to Mount Rainier National Park, on the Sunrise area.
If you haven’t been there before, it truly is spectacular. This was only the second time in my life I had been to Mt. Rainier, and that was when I was a teenager and didn’t appreciate it.
More information about Mount Rainier here on it’s website:
In all, it was a day trip from Seattle. I almost made the mistake of driving there with only a half tank of gas. By the time we arrived at the entrance, the tank was on empty. Which meant driving back 40 miles to Enumclaw to get gas, because we also missed the only gas station nearby. If we had continued on, we would have ran out of gas on the windy 10 mile climb up the mountain pass to the Sunrise visitors center.
On a clear day, you can see Mount Rainier from town. Of course as I write this, it’s a typical overcast day in Seattle. The classic stereotype of Seattle is that it rains a lot, but in reality, its mostly daunting overcast grey skies. There is a reason why Grunge, Starbucks, and why pot was legalized here.
Here is an example of typical weather, today:
So, though I truly enjoyed the trip to Mt. Rainier, and the escape from the city, and the same surroundings for walks… Between this and the two long posts, I’ve been physically and emotionally exhausted this week. I haven’t driven this much since I drove to Yakima to visit family with my mother.
I been feeling guilty because I’m unemployed and haven’t really done much to feel I’ve earned the right to be exhausted. Fuck, I’m tired of being isolated. I’m tired of feeling lost in life. Before 2020, my life was just starting to turn around. I had a job, I had a career direction, I made new friends, I was starting to save money to move out, and I felt ready to date. Now I feel I’m going backwards.
The good news is that I do have savings, though how much will depend on how long the pandemic lasts in the U.S. . I did have an interview for a job a little while ago, but I wasn’t hired. It’s hard to apply to work where you will lose money compared to unemployment benefits + my awesome state insurance, Applecare. All I qualify for is minimum wage work, and that rarely offers health insurance. When it does, it barely or doesn’t cover medications or therapy. So that’s $300 out of pocket a month right there. That’s without considering the brutal job market right now.
I am interested in going back to school, but I don’t know what I want to do, and college is expensive. In person classes are up in the air right now. I’m wary of more online stuff because I already feel I’m addicted to the internet between streaming, Reddit, and Facebook. I don’t want to live this way. I’m anxious of growing the blog through social media for this reason.
I have made progress this year with dating. Though both attempts led to rejection. The first one was an end to a relationship, and the second merely bad timing. I tried Hinge out for a couple hours this week, and I already hate it. Clearly I’m not ready to get back into dating. (I already went and paused that profile.) Yeah… I know that is barely any time invested. Dating is like having a job these days.
It’s hard to have faith when you aren’t religious, and your dating history is a big shutout online and in real life. Well, I’ve had a handful of dates before. Of the 5 official dates I’ve had, 2 were awful, and 3 were okay to disappointing. Between that those times, I wasn’t really emotionally available to date. (Admitting this is probably a mistake…) Life would be so much easier if I was asexual and a-romantic, but I’m not either of those things. I don’t mind being single or being by myself. I dunno, maybe this is another grass is greener thing.
I am grateful to still have friends, but the loneliness is getting to me. Texting and Facebook only help so much. It’s been months since I’ve seen friends in person.
In short, I’m burned out.
“What is burnout?
Burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to:
- physical and emotional exhaustion
- cynicism and detachment
- feelings of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment
When in the throes of full-fledged burnout, you are no longer able to function effectively on a personal or professional level. However, burnout doesn’t happen suddenly. You don’t wake up one morning and all of the sudden “have burnout.” Its nature is much more insidious, creeping up on us over time like a slow leak, which makes it much harder to recognize. Still, our bodies and minds do give us warnings, and if you know what to look for, you can recognize it before it’s too late.”
I am really drawing a blank. I’m frustrated that this post is late, and I apologize for that. So here is a funny meme I found yesterday:
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