I’m still feeling shitty from Serotonin Syndrome –see the previous post about it here—. At least, I assume it’s still Serotonin Syndrome based on my symptoms. I haven’t been able to sleep consistently, have frequent headaches, and am extremely sensitive to light and sound; I have random aches and pains in my back and neck, and barely able to take care of myself before I park in my office chair and scroll mindlessly or watch comfort tv/movies because mental effort makes my head hurt.
It concerns me enough that I’ll be calling the nurse line at my doctor’s office to get medical advice. I should be doing better by now. My doctor said that this condition should resolve in two weeks. Yet I don’t feel much better and can’t leave the house. I tried so last Thursday because I was craving ice cream from a trendy fusion spot, and I paid the price for days because it was bright and sunny. This was even though it was a 20-minute round trip. That was a mistake.
I guess that was the eye of the storm where I briefly felt better. I’ve been doing the right thing, yet I still feel shitty.
And my original paid leave expires Monday. I have no reason to think that work wouldn’t be okay with me taking more time off to feel better… (Well, I have some apologies to make due to mistakes I made before medical leave). Maybe this awful feeling that something is wrong is anxiety.
Well, that’s probably a side effect of stopping the antidepressant that caused this. …Or just because.
I’m so tired of struggling with my health. I’m sick of experiencing horrible side effects with medicines.
On top of this, I’m going through an existential crisis and a breakthrough in a way. The little time I have not been in pain I’m thinking about my future. Is this the best I can do? Is this the life I want? Being alone with your thoughts with few distractions does that. I’m ready to change my life whenever I’m healthy. I’m ready.
I’m not going to make a promise when I am blogging again regularly because I don’t know when. It currently hurts me to exert myself, which causes pain when I write mentally. I must take care of myself and get my life back on track. See you all soon!
P.S. I guess being able to write this post is proof that I have recovered somewhat. I’ll take that win.
I’m back, but out of work on Paid Family Medical Leave
Thank my state for being civilized with paid medical leave. An outlier in the US.
Since the second week of February, I’ve been experiencing new strange symptoms. Some went away, such as increased dry mouth, thirst, and excessive sweating while sleeping. Some symptoms did not. The concerning ones stayed.
My brief history of prescription medications
As a man long familiar with prescription medication, I am all too familiar with the risks from side effects. Prescription drugs and specialized support in preschool saved me from a seizure disorder I had as a toddler. I haven’t had a seizure since. Thankfully.
The only other time I needed medical attention was began seeing a psychiatrist for help and was prescribed Vivance, an amphetamine medication used to treat ADD. It caused me to have a heart attack in my early twenties. Worse yet, when my mother called him to tell him what happened, he coldly said: “What do you want me to do.”
After recovering with no damage to my heart and healthy results from tests on my heart, I tried again with a different psychiatrist. I discovered that I had severe chest pain or other similar heart attack-like symptoms with every other amphetamine-type medicine for ADD. In 2010, there were two nonamphetamines ADD medicine options (the exact same as the day, to my knowledge), Strattera and Guanfacine. The former didn’t help. While the latter did help, it wasn’t generic. It wasn’t covered by insurance (Typical because insurance companies play these games to make a profit over helping people. AND add insult to injury and tell you to try medications you’ve already tried before.)… Which meant it was $150 a month in 2010 dollars. I couldn’t afford it until two years later at Washington Apple Health.
After changing jobs and careers a couple times I learned first hand how screwed up insurance companies are with coverage regarding medicines. Whatever they say the cost of prescriptions is on your plan (with the exception of Washington Apple Health which is state Medicaid and covers stuff 100%) is a lie. Often they say they cover non generic, but try to fill it and they decide they don’t want to because it’s “too expensive” aka not profitable. (This is the case Even if you are paying for private insurance). Even if it’s the only medicine that works for you. The only place to get the actual price is to ask a pharmacist outside of your insurance what the out of pocket price is. No matter the insurance company or coverage, the bullshit was the same. It is confusing, deliberately made to be hard to understand your coverage, and if you have a serious accident, you go into debt. Lots of jobs tie insurance to it. Lose your job in most states and you lose coverage. If you are poor in America, you’re fucked.
Back to the future
2023. All these years later on my personal mental health journey for sanity and I’m still struggling with the same stuff as 13 years ago. That is to say, to find a medicine to treat depression that won’t kill me, or makes my life worse than before taking it. I’m glad to say that Guanfacine works to treat the ADD I have and became generic a couple of years ago, so it is affordable. My struggle with antidepressants continues.
What is Seratonin Syndrome?
“Serotonin is a chemical that the body produces naturally. It’s needed for the nerve cells and brain to function. But too much serotonin causes signs and symptoms that can range from mild (shivering and diarrhea) to severe (muscle rigidity, fever and seizures). Severe serotonin syndrome can cause death if not treated.”
Usually, when googling symptoms online, it’s common to get a worst-case scenario for whatever health-thing you are going through.
In this case, it was true.
I started having these symptoms two weeks after my doctor suggested that increasing the dose of my antidepressant could help with depression. Since I’ve been taking this medication for months without side effects, upping the dose didn’t seem to be a risk.
We were both wrong. While I eventually returned to work on February 22nd, and worked the next day, I had to take Friday off due to a migraine. And despite work helping me out with reasonable accommodations by adding a new policy, and buying me sound-reducing earplugs, and me buying brand new sound-dampening headphones, I had another migraine sick day last week.
So, while these symptoms are diagnosed as serotonin syndrome by my doctor, the noisy environment likely didn’t help. Being autistic and having long covid each make me sensory sensitive.
Therefore, starting today I will be off work under paid medical leave until the 27th to recover. And I didn’t know until today, that I have wait 15 to 20 days to receive this pay. Which is bullshit. The process is annoying when you’re healthy—figuring it out while sick is cruel. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was due to lobbying by the insurance industry. 15 to 20 days for an online application is unacceptable.
Well, I did it and now I have to wait to complete my application. The insurance company won’t (I asked the people at the doctors office). Can’t do anything else.
At least I am able to write again. I physically couldn’t due to headaches.
Even before this happened, I wondered if continuing was worth it. I loathe the SEO process, and having to advertise to get readers and feel that I’ve lost my purpose of blogging. I do not want to do SEO for a living or social media marketing. It feels like this is the only way to get noticed. Reading about how to articles or forums feels like I’m surrounded by snake oil salesman who only care about making money over the content. I lost the few friends I made doing this for different reasons, and its going on three years of blogging. I don’t want to blog for a living.
The past two weeks have been tough health-wise, and will be taking a break from blogging. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I’ve been experiencing increasingly in intensity, weird new symptoms that are listed on the “Severe side effects, seek medical help immediately” section of the antidepressant I take.
I’m back home and recovering. But this is why I’ve missed posts. I haven’t physically been able to write due to this combination of shit. I’ve been emotionally, physically, and mentally wiped out.
It’s going to take a bit to recover, so I’ll be back in a week or two when I feel better.
03/06/23 Update: Extending the hiatus one more week. I am doing better. However, I need more time to rest.
Song of the post: The Four Seasons – Summer – Allegro non Molto. By Antonio Vivaldi
I took my physical health for granted
I caught the coronavirus in January 2022, during the omicron spike in the US. I saw it at work after I bought pizza for everyone on the first Friday of the week I was promoted to department lead. (Which later changed). My place of work is a tiny building, and the break room doesn’t have excellent airflow, so I likely caught it there when everyone was eating… Masks down. I can’t remember if I went outside to eat. Everyone was vaccinated, and some were boosted; I wasn’t boosted due to the high demand during the winter Omicron surge. While we have safety measures at work, and ownership was generous to offer us a couple of hundred dollar bonus for the initial vaccine, there never was a booster policy. I, along with others who were concerned, asked, but it never became a requirement.
Mid-January, I caught coronavirus and was out for two weeks.
I wasn’t boosted for lack of trying. I could have gotten one if I had shown up to specific locations with extra shots after they closed. The fact is that I didn’t. Testing at that time was complex; you had to go to a drive-thru location and hope they had open appointments. This was before the at-home tests became widespread in the US.
I haven’t been the same person since
Today is one of many days that I have had to call out sick because of Long Covid symptoms. I took a short hike with my mom on Sunday afternoon at our favorite local park: Seward Park. It’s a park on Lake Washington in Seattle, close enough to walk to, an excellent workout that will leave you sweaty, and a good couple of miles with varied terrain. I used to be able to walk there, walk the loop around the outside of the park, and back. Since January, I can walk 10 minutes on flat terrain and be okay.
Up until July, I could go to work and back on most days and crash when I get home. Combine this with the depression, anxiety, inflammation flareups, and PTSD as a result of how about a third of the world refusing to vaccine or distance… Or another third not putting on their mask correctly, and brain fog. And I haven’t followed up on treatment. Which didn’t yet exist because this condition is so new.
On Sunday, I went on a short, roughly 30-minute hike with my mom at Seward Park.
If you zoom in, you’ll see several turtles on the log. From 2021
Tiredness or fatigue that interferes with daily life
Symptoms that get worse after physical or mental effort (also known as “post-exertional malaise”)
Fever
Respiratory and heart symptoms
Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
Cough
Chest pain
Fast-beating or pounding heart (also known as heart palpitations)
Neurological symptoms
Difficulty thinking or concentrating (sometimes referred to as “brain fog”)
Headache
Sleep problems
Dizziness when you stand up (lightheadedness)
Pins-and-needles feelings
Change in smell or taste
Depression or anxiety
Digestive symptoms
Diarrhea
Stomach pain
Other symptoms
Joint or muscle pain
Rash
Changes in menstrual cycles
Post-exertional malaise
In the past 8 months, I have had all of these symptoms except for rash, change in smell/taste, and menstrual cycles (for obvious reasons). The most common are: fatigue after effort, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, and diarrhea. I have slowly gotten my energy back, and have more good days than bad, yet the condition hangs on.
On Sunday, I decided to go on a walk in Seward Park with my Mom. One of the things that my therapist suggested was to spend time in nature. When I was in therapy the last time, going to the park and walking for exercise did help. I have gotten out of doing both of these things due to my health. It has been a long time since I pushed myself to exercise. I have been doing short ten-minute walks a couple times a week at work. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah.. The walk at the park.
Dory, a metaphor for brain fog.
The Park
From Wikipedia: Seward Park is a municipal park in Seattle, Washington, United States. Located in the city neighborhood of the same name, it covers 300 acres (120 ha; 0.47 sq mi). The park occupies all of Bailey Peninsula, a forested peninsula that juts into Lake Washington. It contains one of the last surviving tracts of old-growth forest within the city of Seattle. The park is named after U.S. Secretary of StateWilliam Seward. The 300 acres (120 ha) of Seward Park have roughly 120 acres (49 ha) of surviving old growth forest, providing a glimpse of what some of the lake shore looked like before the city of Seattle was founded. With trees older than 250 years and many less than 200, the Seward Park forest is relatively young (the forests of Seattle before the city was fully mature were usually 1,000–2,000 years old).[1]Source
The Walk
Normally this walk, this is as the cliche goes… Is a walk in the park.
Normally, or life before I caught covid, I could easily walk any route around Seward Park and back. I would be sweaty and be tired from a long cardio workout, but nothing that I couldn’t recover from. If I would go the long route, walking there and back, on the longest route, this would be about a 60-90 minute brisk walk. Which has always been doable, even in recent times where I have been out of shape.
Ever since I caught covid in January, and later Long Covid, I haven’t been physically able to exercise outside of work and every day chores. Since July, I have been able to do 10 minute walks on breaks a couple times a week. So, I thought it would be okay to try some longer exercise.
That was a mistake.
I was mindful to pace myself and to not overdo it because I hadn’t pushed my body this hard in months.
Yet, after 15 minutes of slowly walking through the evergreen forest and windy trails common to the inner forest path we chose, I was dizzy, wheezing, my heart was pounding, and I had to stop to catch my breath. I felt like I was hiking a mountain or sprinting at full speed, not shuffling along like a snail on a gentle park trail. I have walked this trail and others in the park several times a year during the summer, every year of my life without any problem.
This time, I felt physically like I did shuffling around the hospital wing after I had a couple heart attacks as a severe side effect of Amphetamine based ADHD medication at age 22. (Thankfully I recovered, there was no damage to my heart, and all tests after said I was healthy). It was a struggle and I felt weak after. I really hope these current symptoms are not current heart problems because of Long Covid. I don’t get treated. I am more afraid of the insane cost of treating chronic health problems in our messed-up healthcare system.
Thankfully, my mother drove us to the park. I would not have been able to walk back.
Monday was Labor Day, so this was a short work week. Even so, I was only able to work two half days. All I could do Tuesday morning was to drag myself to shower and dress before I was too exhausted to continue. Even though I have slept more, and taken it easy, I’m still not recovered as I write this today, the following Saturday. Work has been great with my health issues, with me missing so much time this year and I’m very grateful to them for that. I’ll always have a little fear of being fired, even if there isn’t evidence that I will be, but I am glad to have their support. Thankfully, I have sick leave accrued, so I’ll be okay this time.
I contacted my doctors office, and did an E-visit checkup. There still isn’t a cure or a specific treatment for Long Covid, but they can treat symptoms. Hopefully I’ll get some answers at the next in person appointment later this month. Just like the pandemic as a whole, I have to wait for an unknown time for this to be over. Maybe this is how my life is from now on.
All things considered, my life is alright. I’d like it to be better, to be different. The struggle with this chronic condition is so hard. Especially because there isn’t a cure or specific medical treatment yet. A lot of days, I wonder if what I’m feeling is due to this condition or a flare-up of the preexisting depression or anxiety that I manage. Well, one day at a time. I’m so tired of being patient. I’m so tired of chronic health conditions that I have little control over. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.
It took me much longer than usual to write this week. It’s hard to write when your health gets in the way and you need to prioritize that. Do you or anyone you know struggle with Long Covid? Let me know in the comments! If you like this and are a new reader, subscribe below and checkout my latest posts! Thank you for reading!
The first result was negative for covid. This is the home test supplied by the American government. There is hope in our cloudy future.
Or waiting for the results 2022…
What a busy day. It’s 10:54pm Friday, and I’m in bed trying to sleep. Cue: The Beatles – A day in the life.
Been here before with a negative result and a positive result. This possible result could be worse than the positive test result for covid. There are scarier diseases in the world than covid. I simply now know what’s going on with me right now. That’s the problem of diagnosing health issues online with duckduckgo or any search engine. It could be a cold or rare cancer that a thousand people have worldwide. To be safe, I texted out from work.
Friday was test day…
A PCR covid test, a dentist appointment, and an STD test. I had no idea I’d need the latter a week ago, this time because I was a virgin. A former 36-year-old virgin. I’ve mentioned it on the blog… I think I’ve mentioned it on the blog. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck. 😂🤣😎. Gotta laugh at your own stupid jokes. Guess I had to get a fuck to not give a fuck, hahaha. 😉
…
Okay, I’ll stop.
I’ve talked about it online anonymously. Me being a virgin, that is. Other than that, I’ve only told a friend I lost contact with and my pandemic therapist. I don’t talk about it because it’s embarrassing. After a certain age, you are mocked or thought of as less of a man by women and men. My biggest secret is that I’ve only felt safe discussing online with other virgins and masked. In a future post, I’ll write more about my long experience as a wizard (a man over 30 that is a virgin). For now, I’ll say that I was a safe and consensual one-night stand. Suffice it to say I’ve been really happy.
Tried for a long time to lose it in a romantic relationship… It is what it is.
Some coworkers know I got laid because they were at the bar for the punk rock show, but not the significance. I didn’t feel comfortable saying so. Gotta stay professional and be careful with my sharing in real life. I feel comfortable blogging about not because this is a safe space.
The fact is that I’m single and don’t have a girlfriend. This one-night stand is in the past. I hope that I have an official girlfriend soon. I’m 36, and this was a wonderful gift. I deserve good things too. I deserve a woman who says she wants to date me. Who wants me. I’m done wasting my time with women who don’t want me. Or with anyone who doesn’t want to be my friend or wants to be in my life. Show up, or show yourself out. I’m saying this from a place of calm self-acceptance. What if it all works out?
I’m not getting any younger. I have goals to work towards. I have wanted this all my life. I’m a regular dude and a good man. I’m not giving up this peace or confidence.
Groovy Baby! Yeah! 🥰 Finally!
I feel comfortable sharing on the blog because it’s the one place I have control. This is my place in the world. By taking ownership of this aspect of this piece of information about me, it makes me strong. One of the big reasons why I blog is self-acceptance by making sense of the unknown. When I started blogging, I was at rock bottom and completely alone… I felt alone. In any case, I’ve written enough. I’m doing well. No need to dig up the past. It’s gone. I’m not a virgin. I’m not that immature person anymore.
It gets easier.
Saturday morning, the results… Russian roulette-style:
The title feels right but maybe too grim. Hopefully, this will ease some tension?
I wouldn’t know my fate until today, 05/28,2022…
Covid PCR results:Negative.
This is how healthcare in the world should be. Free. Or very low cost, with no wait. Click. Empty chamber.
STD test results: Negative.
Thank goodness. These were the tests I was most afraid of.
The urgent care location I went to is not covered by the insurance network… I’m so tired of health insurance bullshit.
Maybe I can bill through them or as a tax deduction. Life has been expensive this month.
I called my insurance company nurse line, and while the initial person took the time to connect me to the right department, She couldn’t get an appointment until 10pm in south Renton… Which I couldn’t do on Friday. I was too wiped out by sickness, too stressed to do an in-depth analysis of my options, and barely made it to drive downtown for same-day urgent care STD testing… ASAP.
Continuing the Russian roulette theme… Two clicks, empty chambers.
Dentist appointment results: Negative. A clean bill of health. Empty chamber.
Veterinarian results for Coco: no signs of a UTI. Tests clear.
She might have a heart murmur or heart condition. The estimated cost is $700+ at the vet I go to. God damnit. How is this fair? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Fuck You, capitalism. Fuck you for doing this. Sigh. I’ll deal with this a bit later.
So maybe something might happen with my dear kitty. I sure hope not.
In summary: I’m okay!
Rip savings.🥲
P.S. About Life, & …
There’s this cultural meme in dating/relationships that whatever song you hear when you meet is to become your song. For me, after I was walking home after my one-night stand… It was When doves cry by Prince.
I’m reading the lyrics to When doves cry, and wow! What a coincidence that I happened to hear this song that night. It’s amazing how music can sometimes describe your life at the moment.
Even the parts of life I keep private have gone well. Been a good week again, despite the challenges of life.
Prince
While we are on the subject of Prince… Or the artist formerly known as Prince, I’m a late fan and didn’t know or really appreciate him until the last few years. Which, man. I missed out. Prince is awesome. If you can search for Prince – Super Bowl XLI halftime show on youtube. I can’t link it here, but trust me. This halftime show and live music performance is legendary. And the event documentary of it, too, by the NFL. One last thing. This comedy spoof bit by Dave Chappelle about Prince is hilarious! A cultural millennial legend.
(If you can’t see it in your country, It’s called “Chappelle’s Show – Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories – Prince – Uncensored.)
What a week! Maybe this means the time is close for a girlfriend? Certainly ready for friends of all types! 😮 (Maybe these symptoms, me feeling sick is too long, covid or a cold. Everything else is ruled out. Oh well.)
Finally, I’m a man in all aspects of life. Victory! 🏁🏆
Single and ready to mingle. I also don’t remember when I felt so comfortable with myself. The last time I had so much attention from women. A big deal for me because I’ve been a nerdy, socially anxious, depressed, shy man, most of my life. Fuck yeah. 😁❤️
In the meantime, I’m getting extra rest this holiday weekend! Excuse me as I leave to jam out to Prince.
Thanks for reading! I would like to hear from you about a time you had days like this. You can subscribe below.
Another small covid outbreak at work… I know there’s another surge, but come on. Enough is enough. The timing is not great. My boss was nice about me notifying them about the doctor’s note I gave them about missing two days’ work. I went to urgent care on Sunday because I woke up with chest pain and had trouble breathing. I wasn’t sure what was happening. I got up, focused on breathing, got some water, and waited to see how I felt and to look up my symptoms on duckduckgo. I did get the vaccine two days earlier, the Moderna booster ( the previous two shots, the Pfizer vaccine series), so while I was concerned, I decided to see how I felt in the morning. I had similar but less severe symptoms, so I played it safe, called the nurse line for my healthcare, and sought advice, which was to go to urgent care. Thankfully after a series of tests, I’m okay. I can’t relax because I suspect this bill will be a couple of grand because of our shitty healthcare system in America. I have the best plan I can afford. I’m glad I’m okay on the typical tests, and this is likely a combination of panic attacks and mild booster symptoms, but ugh. I’m tired of the coronavirus and the pandemic… Tired of long Covid controlling my life. Ugh.
I’m already dealing with post-verbal warning emotions; I assume I was under close watch after my big mistake last week. Coco had to go to the emergency vet last Wednesday because there was blood in her urine. It turns out to be a UTI after tests. She’s been peeing in my room on clean laundry and my bed, even after I did all my laundry. I’ve had to use a spray bottle with water on Coco to stop her from peeing everywhere. We haven’t had to use this to correct her behavior for a long time. I had no choice. I take her off my bed, then she leaves the room, comes back, and tries to pee again. Thankfully it’s only a handful of drops, and I’m not seeing blood or pink-colored urine. It’s still gross. It’s frustrating because I don’t want her to suffer from pain or a UTI. It’s frustrating because I still have to deal with this while not doing great emotionally or physically. Thank goodness mom offered to help do laundry.
Pardon me. This is how I’ve felt inside.And this.
Radical acceptance, one hour at a time.
Life’s been so stressful lately. I have to focus on what’s going well. I’m killing it with boundaries, values, and communication. I began from a Pot Hole and am choosing effective responses. The past seven days started with boundary mistakes and adjusted. I’ve been standing up for myself, what I believe is correct, and accepting feedback from others. The blow to my ego and shame from breaking my values at work is lessened. Sending an apology message to my bosses helped. Now, I have to have faith that things will work out for the best. I’m doing everything I can.
I’m not letting anxiety take over completely. Thanks past, Reilly! Because you didn’t give up on working on therapy, on yourself, or the problems you learned about Radical acceptance. I’m participating in life. I’m feeling everything. You did that. I’m filling my tank. It’s okay to ask for things you need. For help from others. It’s not black and white.
It’s not arrogant to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself when life’s tough. Or any regular day, for that matter.
Maybe this is that quote on self-improvement Instagram accounts that goes something like: “This situation is showing you what you can handle, and that you handle much more life that you think you can.”
This week is showing me that I’m ready for more. Soon as my mental and physical health recovers. I’ve been kicking ass at life, finally, despite long covid. Remember the good stuff. The small stuff. I am getting better, slowly. I am becoming a better adult, slowly. Slowly forward.
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